Golfer Tiger Woods, denying rumors that his wife chased him down with a hybrid wood and “whacked him upside the head,” released a statement today saying the explanation for his early morning accident was with the vehicle.
“As a golfer, I understand these things better than most. I believe the Escalade [...]
In a startling leak from the White House, My Tabloids has learned that President Obama will scrap plans for an escalation of the war in Afghanistan and will instead invade South Carolina, Louisiana and Florida.
According to an unnamed source, the President’s “war council” made an about-face after they realized that [...]
In a newly released poll, over 87% of American’s answered “no,” when they were asked the statement, “Is Sarah Palin qualified to give an interview on any subject whatsoever?” [...]
After great consternation and many weeks of high level meetings, President Barack Obama has decided on a bold course of action as related to the concurrent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Today I have decided to send forty-thousand Iraqis to Afghanistan to help fight that ongoing conflict. It’s a win-win for [...]
Steelers QB “Big Ben” Roethlisberger was “totally stoked” when he heard that the NFL would be celebrating “Breast Awareness Month” by wearing pink ribbons, shoes and underwear.
“Now this is something I can totally get behind,” Said Big Ben, with a wink. “I mean, I’m not into the pink stuff, but [...]
David Letterman, who admitted he’s been regularly having sex with multiple young woman on this staff, has decided to change the name of his production company from Worldwide Pants to Worldwide Zippers.
According to spokesperson Tiffany Amber D’Alessandro, it was an effort “To more accurately reflect the reality of this wonderfully [...]
Former President George W. Bush showed up in Copenhagen, Denmark today and made a strong case that the International Olympic Committee should consider Crawford, Texas as a “Damn fine place to hold them Summer ‘Lympics.”
Bush contends that Crawford has most of the amenities that Rio, Madrid, Chicago and Hong Kong [...]
After clearing having been outflanked by his political adversaries on the “public option” for a health care, President Obama has decided instead to concentrate on the Olympics.
“This has got to be easier than dealing with Congress.” The President was overhead saying. “I am totally sick of that shit!”
On October 2nd, [...]
After having spent the last two months getting ready for the G20 Summit, and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars cleaning up the city for its debut on the world stage, Pittsburghers relaxed today and got back to “business as usual.”
Looking out over the dismal post-apocalyptic landscape, Crafton resident Manny [...]
Calling it a “world altering conference” with “far reaching repercussions” the members of the G20 nations today closed their event and issued a “communique” in which they made the following statement.
“We, the undersigned, agree that the tasty vegetable soup, served in the monumental “Bowl of Nations,” was excellent.”
Little other [...]
A so-called “sonic weapon” has apparently been deployed in Pittsburgh, where the G20 Summit is underway today. The device is intended to disperse unruly crowds. There is, as of this moment, no clear report on whether it has been utilized or not.
“The weapon was developed for the Army over the [...]
Protesters at the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh ransacked a Boston Market restaurant on Thursday, breaking plate glass windows and raising havoc, but it apparently had nothing to do with the ills of globalizaton nor the use of genetically-modified crops.
“We were just pissed because the green beans sucked.” Said protest leader [...]
In an attempt to turn their flagging fortunes around, baseball’s worst team today used the excitement of the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh as a spring board to introduce a completely new team, made up entirely of Burmese monks.
“The chanting alone will be a big audience draw, I guarantee you!” Said [...]
According to reports coming to us from the just-opened G-20 Summit, most protesters are “staying away in droves.”
“We’ll wait for a better city.” Said Larry Corrado, and organizer for People Against Lots of Stuff. “I mean, I’m not going to waste my time and energy in this backwater burgh. I’ll [...]
Number of comments: 1 Due to security restrictions imposed by the arrival of the G-20 Summit in Pittsburgh, most businesses in the “golden triangle,” found that their employees could not get to work today.
“So we fired them all.” Said Chamber of Commerce President, Alan Blank, speaking for the business community “All of the business [...]
A group calling itself, “Fans Against Failure” stormed PNC Park in Pittsburgh today, just days before the G20 Summit officially opens in that city.
“We are hear to protest the most pathetic baseball team in history,” Said organizer Terry Blanchard. “No one should be forced to deal with a team that [...]
In one of his most forceful speeches yet, President Obama today called on the Israelis and Palestinians to “start talking about talking about negotiating talks.”
“Every President before me has failed to get you people together in any real way,” Said the President, “And I feel that now is my time [...]
In a bold and unprecedented move, officials in Pittsburgh are confirming reports that they will employ the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive team to help protect delegates during the upcoming G20 Summit, though
they are mum about what precise form the defense will take.
“I’m not sure if we’ll run the dime or not” [...]
In response, the President called Wilson a “Thuggish, toad-sucking Southern douche bag.” In moments, the two men were face-to-face and Congressional aides had to intervene.
Overall, pundits gave Wilson points for “brevity” and Obama points for “color and alliteration.”
“I thought the Pres really won this round.” Said West wing insider Charles [...]
President Barack Obama spoke directly to millions of school children today, and, as had been expected by many on the Right, he went “off script” and suggested that, while “Studying is all well and good, following a well-crafted manifesto” is really the way to obtain success in the world.
“You may [...]
When former President George Bush was forced to curtail his reading of the classic “My Pet Goat,” many American schoolchildren were sorely disappointed. This week, Barack Obama will make up for that huge loss, when he speaks directly to the nation’s kids.
“The President will indeed complete the last two exciting [...]
Swindler Bernard Madoff is apparently dying of cancer. US officials have decided that, due to his declining health, he will be flown to Lockerbie, Scotland to live out his final days in relative comfort amongst the most “compassionate people in the world.”
“We think he’s paid enough for his crimes. After [...]
While his proxy Senators are floating the idea that the so-called “public option” may be dropped from health care legislation, others made it clear this weekend that the President will never give in on his “core belief” that all citizens should have “free and complete access to band-aids throughout their [...]
Michael Vick is back in the NFL, after serving almost two years of a sentence on a felony dog-fighting conviction.
The former Atlanta Falcons QB has signed with the Philadelphia Eagles and claims that other than being “dog tired” after two-a-day practices, he’s “Anxious to take off the leash and sink [...]
While only a fiction, the GOP, dominated by addled-brained nitwits, are right to fear the establishment of “death panels,” which, if modeled after the Nazi’s, would lead to the euthanizing of “stupid, moronic and otherwise mentally weak-minded individuals.”
“I wish they were true,” Said a Democratic Senator privately, “‘Cause I know [...]
In the first 18 hours of operation, the brand new Rivers Casino in Pittsburgh helped liberate 1.3 million dollars from local gamblers.
“It was a really grand, grand opening.” Said Theresa Simcovich of Carnegie. “I took everything I had saved for my grand kids and just pissed it away on the [...]
No sooner have former President Bill Clinton helped broker the release of two female journalist held by the North Koreans since March, than new information leaked out about a “party” on the returning flight.
“Tell you what,” Said an unnamed source, who was on the plane, “I think this whole thing [...]
Democrats in the Senate say that since “Cash For Clunkers” has proven to been so successful, it might also be used to rid the nation of quite a few GOP lawmakers who have “overstayed their welcome and are running on empty.”
“We’re adding some extra money to the new legislation,” said [...]
What was meant to be just a “single beer” turned into “just one more” and then “one for the road” and then a “nightcap” this afternoon, and by the time the three men left the Beermeister Room at the White House, none of them could see straight.
“The President was telling [...]
Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday and could play in regular season games as early as October.
Goodell said the “conditions” included the following;
Vick must learn to “sit, stay and not urinate inappropriately.”
It’s that third one I’m most worried about.” Said Godell, privately. “If he [...]
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger admitted today that he “may have been confused by an “unfamiliar TV remote,” but he denied molesting or physically threatening Harrah’s hotel employee Andrea McNulty.
“I couldn’t find the freakin’ mute button,” the Steelers QB said, in a brash and honest news conference, “And I asked [...]
In a newly released poll, over 87% of American’s answered “no,” when they were asked the statement, “Is Sarah Palin qualified to give an interview on any subject whatsoever?” [...] 