David Blaine may be only human to live through EPA regulations.
Now everyone will have to wait to exhale, according to EPA Administrator Lisa Tito Jackson.
The EPA's recent ruling that carbon dioxide endangered human health put the agency in direct conflict with power plants, factories, and' [...]
No one is safe. Tiger accidentally puts move on large brass urn.
Two Los Angeles cocktail waitresses who didn't sleep with Tiger Woods have finally stepped forward.
May Brunt and Kellie Frugar said they did not sleep with the billionaire golf pro. So far, they are the only' [...]
First it was the Easter Bunny. Then it was Santa Claus. Now it's the gods of science.
Despite having two non-working nipples, Percy Prescott has faithfully believed in the theory of evolution and other precepts of science. Now he finds his rock solid belief in agnosticism [...]
Pampered Chef presenter Wilma Flanders is struggling to explain how Vice President Joe Biden was able to crash a recent party at a Nashville couple's house yesterday.
To make matters worse, it was Jerry and Sheila Dorfmeyer's first attempt at hosting a party. And maybe their last.
"I have no" [...]
Penn State climatologist and creative mathemagician Michael Mann said the Penn State Nittany Lions have been ranked too low in the Bowl Championship Series.
His numbers indicate that the Nittany Lions' position in the poll is higher now than it ever' [...]
Lincoln's holiday czars stick it to Americans seeking three-day weekend.
During the Civil War, as the death count piled higher and higher and the country lay in ruins, not to mention that even the ruins lay in ruins, President Abraham Lincoln decided it was time to celebrate.
And [...]
Senate Democrats, who are hoping to spend the country into a communist revolution, are crafting another stimulus program that's designed to get Americans back working. And have their children pay their wages.
The new program, called No Child Left A Dime, will release another "couple few hundred billion" [...]
Terrorists reportedly thrilled to take customized "Sex and The Jihadi" tour.
Attorney General Eric Holder-n-Releaser is training a crack group of New York City tour guides to handle the rush of Gitmo prisoners.
"We really want to show them the town, as they say," Holder said. "We" [...]
President has bow movement in front of Japanese Emperor
President Barack Obama may not be getting many more invitations from foreign governments after an embarrassing display of submissiveness in front of the Japanese emperor and a delegation of Chinese technocrats.
Members of the Obama team say he's' [...]
Scene of new movie "Unemployable."
Tyrone had its day in the spotlight and now it looks lit's time for Bellwood's closeup.
Location scouts for the feature film, Unemployable, visited the town that they say is sandwiched between Altoona, Tyrone, and Hades. The action movie, [...]
Here we go Beerlers. Here ee go!
Pittsburgh Steelers place kicker and keg kicker Jeff Reed was the first to sign the Sheetz petition to allow the convenience store chain to sell beer.
"It's a democrantastic style of government, brother," a drunken Reed mumbled. "Party!" [...]
As the temperatures climb into the 60s, central Pennsylvania's last sign of warm weather falls away like a brown leaf clinging to the deciduous tree.
Communities throughout the area will host the final Parade of Unwed Welfare Mothers this week. A tradition of the warmer months, mothers-on-assistance parade their [...]
Suicide Bombers protest lack of tolerance in America.
Alak Hussein Hallam is just an average American citizen who believes he must blow up other American citizens.
He shares this belief with dozens--or perhaps hundreds--more Al Qaeda sleeper cells that are filtering into America.
Why then, Hallam, [...]
"We didn't know where he was!" redneck mama Lurdale Haffenfoot, of Snyder Township said, as tears of joy streamed down her face.
Lurdale was pleased to find out that her 8-year-old boy, Clifford Rusty Wallace Haffenfoot, was found alive near a 30-foot Mylar balloon shaped' [...]
When Gummi Bears attack. Global warming shrinks chewy bear habitat.
While Hollywood stars and former Vice Presidents warn about the implications global warming will have on mythical creatures like polar bears and Eskimos, one group is fighting to save the struggling Gummi Bear population.
Brent Hartson, leader [...]
New Dave and Buster's token pays tribute to this year's Satire Prize winner
In a stunning move, the Obama Satire Prize Committee has awarded its prestigious Satire Prize to the Nobel Prize Committee.
Siting the Committee's "consistent ability to cause people to shake their heads and wonder how good" [...]
Neffer was replaced as captain of his basketball team after failing to negotiate a foul called by [...]
Obama finishes up book on how Lincoln read reports on strategy before opening reports on strategy.
The Obama administration is grappling over how they will open a report on Afghanistan strategy that was prepared by General Stanley McChrystal.
"Holy crap, we didn't even know there was a'" [...]
Racism is not dead, according to the majority of white people in a recent poll.
The Plue Research Center, of Toledo, OH, announced that 75 percent of white people (plus or minus two NASCAR fans) believe that "more than 70 percent" of white people are "really" racist. The poll further revealed [...]
Hollywood stars say they're ready to give up car, clothes for Clap and Trade tax.
Gillie Sanderson hasn't had a paying acting job since a dog food commercial in 1998. And she walked off the set of that job after continual artistic differences with the director.
Now, thanks [...]
Congress sings "Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Rum" at first Talk Like A Patriot Day.
On September 11, 2001, America changed temporarily.
The terrorist attacks that led to the destruction of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and a heroic effort to stop an attack [...]
School children to take quiz about "Dear Leader."
Following President Barack Obama's talk to school children today, the minions... errr... students will be asked to take a simple quiz. A Dotpenn reader was able to secure an early version of the test.
You can view this, but [...]
Van Jones, former Green Job commissar for the Obama Administration, was tossed under a green hybrid bus, the President's spokesman said today.
The hybrid bus runs on a mixture of hydrogen and hype. The two substances are then converted into energy, which is then distributed to the wheels, which [...]
What's best about high school football?
According to Conan, the Barbarian, there are three things: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Conan, a proud [...]
Chicken turns out to be hero in Grange Fair food incident.
A quick-thinking Grange Fair-goer saved the life of a visitor to the fair after the victim slumped out of the picnic bench and underneath a Chick-a-Kabob vending stand last night.
Tim Dampers, a compulsive fair food sampler and [...]
Dalton Schweneker is packing away his thick gold chains and baggy pants.
Schweneker, a white rapper who goes by the handle, "Double Jelly," said he's growing tired of rap and wants black musicians to invent some' [...]
Refusing to budge and smiling mindlessly, four polite Huntingdon drivers are now trapped at a four-way stop intersection following a traffic anomaly.
The incident unfolded noon yesterday when four extremely polite people [...]
Bill Doots, of Johnstown, remembers the go-go mid-2000's with relish... and mustard... and ketchup.
Doots and his wife Shirley, who collectively tip the scale now at 490 pounds, were in better shape in 2006 when the couple purchased a faux brick colonial McMansion because the twin doors [...]
Tyrone continues to hang onto its train wreck of a past.
Producers will film yet another movie in Tyrone, the small film mecca of Pennsylvania.
Recently, producers have scouted Tyrone to be used as a backdrop for a Denzel Washington movie, Unstoppable. Now, scouts for the [...]
Dick Dickers can relax after nightmarish trek through Snyder Township.
He was on his way to a country fair. He never knew he would take an off-ramp to hell.
Tragically-named Dick Dickers, a carnival ride and game-of-chance specialist or carnie, said he was driving to [...]
The Cuban economy, touted as one of the finest examples of social engineering, features free health care, free education, and free indentured servitude for life.
As a worker in Cuban economy, you're guaranteed these things.
However, on a salary of $17 a month, you have to work a little longer' [...]
Congoese out crazy bitch claiming to be Secretary of State.
Secretary of State Bill Clinton's wife recently held a press conference in the Democratic-ish Republic-esque of Congo-thereabouts.
The following is a transcript from the question and answer session:
Audience member 1: Hello, [...]
Town hall meetings are not what the framers of our Constitution intended them to be, Democratic lawmakers are saying.
The Congressmen and Senators, who are not flying to Hawaii to study global climate change, are getting an earful from constituents about government-mandated health care and a rapidly-inflating deficit. Now, [...]
Clearfield County has introduced a pilot program to help mothers exchange their non-working significant others for cold cash, or cold beer.
The Cash-for-Drunkards is already flooded with requests, according to the county's White Trash collector, Orville Peabobby. According to Peabobby the county ran out of funds on only [...]
Pot: You're black.
Kettle: You're a racist.
The post-racism world of kitchen implements and ironmongery was turned upside down this week as a case of alleged racial profiling surfaced. According to a lawsuit filed by Kettle, Pot made references to Kettle's blackness on several [...]
Move over Coach Paterno and the Nittany Lions, there's a new Number 1.
Penn State was picked as the nation's number 1 Party Schoo for 2010 by the Princeton Review.
Students say the honor was the result of determination and focus.
"Yeah, we came out in the" [...]
It's Obama post-racism time!
"Why? Because I'm a drunk man in America?" Dexter "Piney" Zelts yells at a Bellefonte police officer attempting to place him in the squad car for resisting arrest, public drunkenness, and impersonating a Harvard professor.
Piney is just one of' [...]
Pennsylvania Governor Edward "Gigi" Rendell and a group of New York hookers are reportedly still at an impasse over a payment plan. But, according to the office of the Governor, the two sides are "close" to a new budget and were spending some time going over figures.
"We're'" [...]
The Deficit Falcon, as envisioned in this NASA reproduction.
The National Air and Space Administration (NASA) and the Federal Reserve Board (NADA) say they're ready to take the next giant leap: Mars.
The two government agencies are partnering on a project that would stack' [...]
Henry Louis Gates pictured here with massive chip on his shoulder.
"Let my people go," President Barack Obama said at a recent press conference. "But don't let the police go."
Obama, responding to a question about a Harvard professor's run-in with the Cambridge police this week, said that' [...]
With John Holdren's proposals to take over the world with a mixture of eugenics and extermination, Americans are saying that Holdren is one of the few Obama czars who deserves the title.
"It's about time we had a Czar who held" [...]
Not satisfied with being just a Republican, or a Democrat, or Whig, Senator-ish Arlen Specter (R-D-R-D) is considering a run at the Senate as a wise Latina.
Specter recently said the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Sonya Sotomayor convinced him that the Senate [...]
After fighting through an injury, multiple-time Olympic gold medal champion Michael Phelps recently set a new world record and disappointed millions of slackers.
Ben Gohanson, of Tyrone, was pleased when Phelps was suspended in February after he [...]
Pennsylvanians: We've been slimed!
A strange, mucous-like slime trail that originated in Harrisburg and continued into central Pennsylvania a few days ago was caused by Governor Edward "G. Tax Me" Rendell, according to members of the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Protection' [...]
Jeremiah Garcia: Quintessential Amish
To their Amish neighbors, the Weltchers, a family of organic farmers in Lancaster who dressed, worked, and smelled primitive, were just new member of their religious community. Until they saw the family jump into a late-60's model Volkswagen van and [...]
Screwed! Obamacare brings hope to America's over-sexed, under-attractive millions
Derwald Emmie's situation is uncomfortably familiar for many Americans: he's been turned down by qualified dates and, yet, he's too poor to afford regular access to sex workers.
Emmie is just one of millions of ugly Americans who [...]
Whig Out: Obama won't meddle in American revolution
Citing a new era in wishy-Washington foreign policy, the Obama Administration will not choose sides during this July 4th celebration.
President Barack Obama said he neither favors the English,' [...]
Nittany Lions non-conference schedule becomes more insane.
With Kent State and Youngstown State already on the schedule, the Nittany Lions journey to a national championship just got bumpier. The athletic department reported today that Penn State [...]
Michael Jackson: Saying goodbye to the best friend a satire writer ever had.
Satirists gathered outside the gates of Neverland to mourn the passing of one of their favorite targets--Michael Jackson.
Jackson, a singer, songwriter, dancer, and train wreck, moon-walked his way [...]
The G stands for "Get that thing back in your pants."
Fred G. Sanford has been appointed to take the helm of the South Carolina governorship.
"And the 'G' stands for learn how to 'govern' your passions," the outspoken Sanford said. "And" [...]
Local Octo-mom and Welfare queen gets shot at reality show stardom on new TLC series.
Following the demise of Jon and Kate Gosselin's marriage, TLC is hoping a new reality series starring a Philipsburg welfare Octo-mom will pick up [...]
Stumbling down the rabbithole manhole. Obama tackles gay rights legislation.
Gay rights activists say they're ready to slap the tiara off the Obama administration.
"We did it to Miss California," said Chaz Wellington, leader of the Gays Against' [...]
"We are!!!!" "Islamic State!!!" Penn State fans get rowdy with Iranian democracy supporters.
Iran's mullahs are seeing red about the blue and white.
Members of the Revolutionary Guard and the administration of Ahmed Adinnerjacket have cracked down on a group of Penn' [...]
Brave Sir Barack... When danger reared its ugly head... He turned his tail and fled...
President Barack "Back... Back... Back..." Obama said he is silently standing behind the brave Iranian people as they fight for democracy, stare down the barrels [...]
For Some Change: PPT may help save newspaper industry and Republic.
With advertising rates down and subscription revenue plummeting, several newspapers are pondering a move to offer content that is actually true, free of bias, and fair. The plans would [...]
White mediocre-ist puts his fighting skills at "average" to "ok."
Timothy Blunt, of Coalport, Pa., takes down his World War II Italian battle flag from his porch. Inside pictures of Benito Mussolini and General Francisco Franco adorn the walls of his study, a room [...]
Scheduling Conflict! The long, greasy fingers of education grasp at the children of the Grange.
Deep fried State College School District Administrators effigies have been added to the list of fair food delicacies offered at this year's [...]
Stimu.. Shut yo mouth!
Indicating that change can also mean, "making it worse," White House officials say they are re-branding the massive government spending program and bailout.
Officials are floating the idea of a re-tooled image for the bailout under the new [...]
Possible Tax Plan Slogan: Nothing Works Like For Rendell
Governor Edward "G. I Ain't Got No Money" Rendell (D-Philly Cheesesteak) expects that a raise in both the personal and impersonal income tax will be' [...]
President Barack "Sweet Home" Obama took his first steps in normalizing relations with nations in the Muslim world by apologizing for a recent aircraft crash that cost the lives of 15 Saudi pilots and flight crew.
As part of a Mideast [...]
Recent White House-orchestrated deals illustrate just how the hidden finger of socialism works, say aides for President Barack Obama Bam-A-Lam.
Adam Smith once referred to a hidden hand that guides the market. While socialism can't quite move the market with' [...]
The United Nations is preparing a statement warning that North Korea may face hints and possible innuendos if they don't back down from recent missile tests, atomic explosions, and stealing hotel copies of the USA Today. However, the body' [...]
Use Barack in a Sentence: If America spends any more it'll go Barack to the stone age.
Bad spellers and chronic mispronouncers are expressing consternation--although it doesn't look or sound like that--at Baroque Obama's selection for Supreme Court.
Early [...]
Memorial Day is a special day in State College, Pa.
Each year, the town's hippies, like those college hippies around the country, recall the tradition of turning their backs on the nation's fighting men and women. It's a proud tradition.
"My great-great-grandfather castigated those who served in the Union Army" [...]
Love is in the air. Jobs are in the dust. Welcome to central Pennsylvania.
In what's being called an eerie sexual coincidence, a Tyrone man said he got both laid and laid off twice in two years.
Sean Dawbert, who was laid off from [...]
Pelosi demonstrates enhanced colon investigation (ECI) techniques.
Congress woman Nancy Pelosi went on the offensive last week, charging the FBI with misleading her about body inspections during briefings.
According to Pelosi, joint briefings between Congressional leaders and the Federal Body [...]
From Loser To Boozer: One man's inspiring story of overcoming challenges to his reign as town drunk.
Jayson Fuchs breathes deeply and raises his hands.
"Feel it in your chest and let it drop to your toes," said life coach Paul [...]
From Loser To Boozer: One man's inspiring story of overcoming challenges to his reign as town drunk.
Jayson Fuchs breathes deeply and raises his hands.
"Feel it in your chest and let it drop to your toes," said life coach Paul' [...]
"Most of my relations is based on powerful mixture of continuing alcohol abuse and the threat" [...]
While the Pennsylvania legislature passed up a ban on driving while texting or talking on a cell phone, it did pass new guidelines on the use of cell phones while driving.
The legislature hopes that these guidelines will [...]
Art of Bore: Snyder Township book of obvious sayings will be a book that is full of pages.
The right Reverend Doctor C. Phineas Dell, an at-large member of the Snyder Township board of supervisors, will publish a book [...]
Working Class Dog, no, wait, that's Rick Springfield... Working Class hero warms up middle managers, yuppies at BJC .
"This one goes out to the men and women who make this country what it is today, those tough, blue-collar workers," said rock icon and working man's' [...]
Evolutionary scientists feels Darwin's theory incapable of understanding scumbags
Noted atheist and evolutionary scientist Richard Dawkins believes that John Edwards is damned to hell.
Dawkins, author of the God Delusion and the Selfish Gene, as well as host of The [...]
Despite a two-hour, cross-bar debate and a 30-second bout of hair-pulling and eye-gouging, two Altoona women were unable to arrive at any conclusion as to which one was actually a whore.
"She's the whore," said Frida Barkowitz, a frequent visitor at several area pubs and bars, as she was pulled away [...]
Benedict Arnold Arlen
Citing better polling numbers among Connecticut voters, Senator Benedict Arlen Specter (R-D-R-D-R-D) said he wants to switch from representing Pennsylvania to becoming a Senator for the nation's third smallest state.
Specter added that Connecticut best represents the direction' [...]
Pigs Fly. You Die.
Evan Whiles calmly covers his body in saran wrap and tucks a surgical mask on his nose before he goes ten steps beyond his porch to fetch the mail.
"Germs are everywhere," said Whiles as he dashes to the mailbox, waving [...]
Extra Deficit Bling. He's still just Barack from the Block.
Facing ballooning spending and cratering deficits for as far as Steve Austin's bionic eye can see, President Barack Obama hosted a townhall meeting to ask common Americans for help.
"My" [...]
Cool summer temperatures may require switch to global warming hoodies, instead of t-shirts.
After one of the coldest winters in decades, global warming theorists are warning that man-made climate change processes may produce temperate, if not down-right cool summer temperatures.
"It's happening. These are obvious reflections on'" [...]
Hypochondriacs hold on for free access, more access, and even more access to health care.
Terry Glum blows his nose.
It's nasal cancer, he's sure of it.
Glum is one of the nation's hypochondriacs who believe they'll never live to see the rapidly-coming era of' [...]
Anti-Tax Keggers: Give me libations or give me death.
Pennsylvania drunks are as mad as hell... and sports aren't even on the big screen!
Angered by increases in taxes on beer, booze and smokes, a group of town drunks, raging alcoholics and inconsolable' [...]
Disguised SEAL displays 50-caliber t-shirt blowing pop gun used to take down Somali pirates.
Left-handed Somali pirate, Ahmed Youseff, wants out of his contract with the Islamic boat-nappers, saying the green fields of PNC park are looking better and better.
Youseff asked to [...]
Non-orgasm producing dogs may be in for a change: neutering.
"Oh my God!" said Francine Pewter, a reporter from Reuters, as she watched a dog frolic on the White House lawn. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes He Can!"
Bo, the recent addition to Barack Obama's White House family, [...]
Freak Is A Relative Term. Snyder Residents Remember The Day Beauty Landed At Their Doorstep
Snyder Township dignitaries, a group of elephants from the Jaffa Shrine Circus, and a larger group of mammals from The [...]
Unknown old North Korean woman waves at Hillary Clinton because both have similar hair-dos.
The U.S. State Department offered the North Korean leaders, its people and its people who are used as burros congratulations for a successful launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile that [...]
Severe weather ripped across the country this weekend claiming at least one life and culling about 20 from the herd through stupidity.
"I was sittin' right next to him, watchin' the lightning when he told me, 'hey, I ain't been swingin' my big aluminum pole on top of the garage roof'" [...]
iPod Save The Queen
Buckingham Palace is in an uproar after learning a gift from Obama was given to him as a present by Goodwill Zwelethini, King of the Zulu nation.
President Barack Obama later gave [...]
Mr. Peanut Chunks.
A spokesperson for the peanut industry has been stricken with salmonella, federal agriculture officials and food safety experts said today.
Mr. Peanut, a celebrity peanut and one of the few guys who can pull off the monocle look, was rushed [...]
Free Europe prepares to defend capitalism against the Red, White and Blue menace.
The first European tour of President Barack Obama has some European political leaders worried that Obama may be there to spread his socialist agenda and multi-trillion-dollar one-year plans.
Not [...]
Whiny Whitey: Self-important and self-absorbed voters feel betrayed.
Jenny Hardermenn's lawn was once plastered with campaign signs for Barack Obama's presidential campaign. She's not sure they'll be up for re-election.
Hardermenn is one of many members of the white, upper-income, self-absorbed assholes that [...]
Dukes of Haphazard: Tyrone hires southerners to clean up borough's shoddy corruption practices.
Tyrone Borough Council is bringing in experts from Hazzard County, Georgia to offer advice on proper crooked governing tactics, following a string of corruption revelations.
Boss Hogg, Hazzard County puppet master, and' [...]
Dukes of Haphazard: Tyrone hires southerners to clean up borough's shoddy corruption practices.
Tyrone Borough Council is bringing in experts from Hazzard County, Georgia to offer advice on proper crooked governing tactics, following a string of corruption revelations.
Boss Hogg, Hazzard County puppet master, and [...]
Dukes of Haphazard: Tyrone hires southerners to clean up borough's shoddy corruption practices.
Tyrone Borough Council is bringing in experts from Hazzard County, Georgia to offer advice on proper crooked governing tactics, following a string of corruption revelations.
Boss Hogg, Hazzard County puppet master, and [...]
Why he frontin'? Dealer accused of not getting the dealio.
Officers from the Drug Stereotype Enforcement Agency (DSEA) arrested an Altoona crack and meth dealer for not owning a pit bull and other related offenses.
Officers said Bubba Jertman did not' [...]
Special Olympic leaders angered at statement comparing them with Obama.
John-John Fenster, two-time Special Olympic fencing gold medalist and team co-captain, continues to apologize for comparing his dismal leadership ability during last year's games with those of President Barack Obama's first days in office.
Fenster said he was a terrible team [...]
Special Olympic leaders angered at statement comparing them with Obama.
John-John Fenster, two-time Special Olympic fencing gold medalist and team co-captain, continues to apologize for comparing his dismal leadership ability during last year's games with those of President Barack Obama's first days in office.
Fenster said he was a terrible team [...]
Pitching for the other team.
Nadine Oaks looks, talks and walks like any other 6-foot 2-inch tall woman with a prominent Adam's apple.
Except when she wails an 83-mile an hour fast ball.
Despite a completely successful sexual-reassignment surgery [...]
AIG executives follow bushido code to restore trust of their customers, earn bonuses
Matsui Robotto, a third-degree Samurai and part-time Ninja, slowly walks in front of a group of AIG executives, or daimyo.
He takes a deep breath and faces the men, all [...]
Ah! St. Patrick's Day, when everyone is an Irish stereotype.
"Surely the lads and lasses will be enjoyin' me fine Irish accent," said William Dougherty, manager for a local M&T branch. "'Tis only once a year, to be sure."
Dougherty has sought to amuse his subordinates [...]
Ghostly appearances may be tied to cursed Caucasian shopping ground.
Scott and Mary Nighthorse, a Native American couple who moved to State College last year, bought their quaint ranch house for a bargain-basement price. They're now finding that' [...]
