[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- [...]
George Carlin: Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
--What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)
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I had jury duty [...]
[...]
Haley Graham: Elite gymnastics is like, the navy seals, only harder. There are like 2000 navy seals, there are only like, 200 elite gymnasts. Guess that's because there's kids who's rather have a life than spend 6 hours a day training tricks that could kill you. Don't be fooled by' [...]
Note: This post is pinned till next weekend. Scroll down for new stuff.
George Bailey: Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!--It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
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I gotta tellya, I was pretty worried this year.
After all the back and forth and the this and' [...]
Otto Meyer: [Honking car as it pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will [...]
Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.
--Futurama, “Xmas Story” (12/19/99)
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Hey! It’s the first snowfall of the season!
Here’s a Fun Fact: For six of the last eight years now, we’ve' [...]
Alvy Singer: [addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I' [...]
Don Eppes: [picks up paper airplane off floor] Who made this?
Charlie Eppes: Me. Why?
Don Eppes: Well, wings are a little thin here, buddy.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Hey, wait, wait, let me see this.
Charlie Eppes: Forgive me if all my years of advanced applied mathematics take issue with [...]
Earl Sinclair: Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opppsite of a vegetable? Fruit. So, water is a fruit. Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal, [...]
This is a clip from the Sanford and Son episode I wrote about yesterday. I was doubting the preciseness of my memory so I went looking for it. It's not for the types who get the vapors. You Have Been Warned.
It turns out I have a pretty good memory.Also: [...]
Narrator: In 1966 the Rutles faced the biggest threat to their careers. Nasty, in a widely quoted interview had apparently claimed that the Rutles were bigger than God, and was reported to have gone on to say that God had never had a hit record. The story spread like wildfire [...]
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, [...]
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [after typical argument with Becker, and he leaves] What I wouldn't give to hear a screech and a thump right now!
[screech, but no thump]
Dr. John Becker: You missed me, ya bastard!
--Becker, "Physician, Heal Thyself" (1/11/99)
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I know...of all the days to not write something, I missed' [...]
Mr. Rogers: You know we've been pretending that there's going to be a swimming pool in the Neighborhood of Make Believe, and something very important I want to mention to you before we have our make believe: water and pools are NOT for children to play in by themselves. When [...]
Don Draper: Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it' [...]
Beth: Do you know what she's like? She's like a slutty version of the singing frog in that cartoon. You know, Hello my honey, hello my baby- Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Here comes Dave... Ribbit.
Lisa: So, Beth? Does this singing frog ever tell you to do things?
--Newsradio, [...]
Alfred Hitchcock: Now, if you'll excuse me, I must hurry off to a little social affair. A dear friend is guest of honor. It's a stoning. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Good night.
--Alfred Hitchcock Presents, "Mr. Blanchard's Secret" (12/23/56)
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The act of "unfriending" someone in Facebook is an [...]
Rabbi Gendler: What was that?
Frasier: It was the classic Hebrew blessing Tu-ock-bok-nech!
Rabbi Gendler: No, that was nothing. It was gibberish.
Jeremy Berman: That's not gibberish, that's Klingon! Freddie's Dad just blessed him in Klingon!
--Frasier, "Star Mitzvah" (11/5/02)
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Listen, Children, to a story/That was written long ago...
OK, so Rusty comes' [...]
Carol: Hey King! What's your first order of business?
Max: Let the wild rumpus start!
--Where the Wild Things Are (2009)
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See, once in awhile I do see a film in the same year it was originally released. I saw Star Trek this year, too, although I admit it was in' [...]
Veronica Mars: Congratulations. You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparallell lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're gonna die friendless and alone.
--Veronica Mars, "Hot Dog" (4/19/05)
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Wife has been sick for over a week now, with god-knows-what. We know it's not [...]
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, why don't you pick.
Sean Connery: Well, the game is afoot. I'll take Anal Bum Cover for $7000
Alex Trebek: That's...
[Sean Connery laughs wildly ]
Alex Trebek: That's "An Album Cover", NOT ANAL BUM COVER!
Sean Connery: I can read, Trebek! That says Anal Bum Cover!' [...]
Connie: Dinner's on the table.
Carlo: I'm not hungry yet.
Connie: Your food is on the table. It's getting cold.
Carlo: I'll eat out later.
Connie: You just told me to make you dinner!
--The Godfather (1972)
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I totally forgot that this place existed, so when I saw the billboard while [...]
Marcus Fiehls: There is a place where restless souls wander. A place that is not affected by our world or our dimensions. A place where confused souls are trapped; tortured. This place is all around you.
--Rip Cage (2007)
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...and that place is the mall.
Eric: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car--Check. Okay. We're good.
--That 70s Show, "Canadian Road Trip" (5/8/01)
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This weekend, I'll be heading up to New Paltz, NY to visit Daughter at the SUNY New Paltz campus. It's Parents' Weekend, so once again I guess they're be [...]
Beth: This is just like that episode of Star Trek when they entered a parallel universe where everything was the same except they were all on heroin.
Dave: There was no such episode.
Jimmy: Geek test!
--Newsradio, "Coda" (4/21/96)
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I've made no attempt to cover up the fact that I'm a bit [...]
Lt. Steven Hauk: Now, that was about as good a polka as you're ever going to hear.
--Good Morning Vietnam (1987)
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Have you ever noticed that, whenever someone's in a car going by and they're blasting the music so that you can make it out even through the closed windows, whatever they're' [...]
Woody Boyd: What do you think of premartial sex, Mr. P?
Norm Peterson: Well, Wood, there's an old saying you know, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Then of course, you get married and you wake up one day and realize, "Oh my God," [...]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I just came back from doing some laps in the pool.
Carla Tortelli: How many of them?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Huh? Three. Takes about an hour.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Coach, that's kind of slow, isn't it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I could run a hell of a lot faster' [...]
Dr. John Becker: The Marathon just gets my hopes up. At first it seems like 20,000 idiots are leaving the city, but then they just make a big loop and come right back.
--Becker (1998-2004)
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For those of you who were able to see the placeholder page I had up during my [...]
Val Bassett: Hey?
Will Truman, Grace Adler: Surprise!
Val Bassett: What are you two doing here?
Grace Adler: Um, uh - we thought you had a gas leak.
Val Bassett: Then why did you yell, "Surprise"?
Will Truman: Well ... we didn't say it was a nice surprise.
--Will and' [...]
So, where have I been?
Undercover.
Close to being Dooced.
Kid you not.
I was mean to someone last year and they complained formally.
Took some time to clear it up.
Whatever, it's all better now.
And, I have some plans for the next couple of months.
You'll see details in a few days.
No hints before then, unless' [...]
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: The door was unlocked. You might want to watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or, someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
--Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "New Moon Rising" (5/2/00)
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My self-imposed hiatus is over. More to come very shortly.
[...][June has prepared a dinner of barbecued pork ribs]
Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin' what I'd do if I was a pig eatin' peoples ribs.
June Cleaver: Beaver, please.
Mandy Hampton: I was thinking that it would be a good idea, as a symbol to signal how serious we are about our relationship with China, if we asked them for another bear.
Toby Ziegler: I think it would be a good idea as a symbol to signal that China [...]
Dick Gregory: Michael Jackson is a perfect reason as to the greatness of this country. Where else can a poor black boy from Gary, Indiana grow up to be a rich white man?
Charlie Young: Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't wanna be stoned.
Deborah Fiderer: There's gonna be a second interview?
Charlie Young: There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right.
Deborah Fiderer: Well let me back' [...]
[Randy is temporarily blind]
Randy: It's not fun being blind. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
Do not stand at my grave and weep,I am not there, I do not sleep.I am in a thousand winds that blow,I am the softly falling snow.I am the gentle showers of rain,I am the fields of ripening grain.I am in the morning hush,I am in the graceful rushOf beautiful [...]
Cliff Huxtable: Oh,oh-oh! You see, the kids these days, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', they don't know what the jazz is all about. Y'see, jazz is like Jello pudding... no, that's' [...]
Stephen Colbert: The cereal once known as "Sugar Pops" then as "Corn Pops" has changed its name once again to "Pops". They already took out the sugar. Now they've taken out the corn. What the hell is left? Now I've always been suspicious of this particular cereal. It comes in [...]
Bill Maher: New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer [...]
John Pinette: [about having to shave off his eyebrows for his role as a woman on Broadway] It was very hard on me, socially. When you have no eyebrows... people don't know what's wrong. But they know something isn't right.
Daisy: I bet she's cheap and common! Have you noticed how they all go for cheap and common?
Rose: Don't knock it! I've had some of my best moments being cheap and common.
--Keeping Up Appearances, "A Celebrity for the Barbeque" (9/19/93)
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Once a month, GF likes to spend several hours [...]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: What's your most troublesome problem?
Norm Peterson: Ah, that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see. I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. Guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.
--Cheers, "Fortune and Men's Weight" (2/2/84)
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It's been awhile since I wrote [...]
Pete Marshall: I'm with the Trotter Poll. We're like the Gallop Poll but not as fast.
--Murder, He Says (1945)
------------------------------
Recently I got an email, and maybe an hour later, a phone call inviting me to be part of a focus group. So a few days later I trundled over to [...]
Sebastian Stark: This just in: I'm too good.
--Shark, "In the Grasp" (10/19/06)
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Our first visit to Virginia Beach was an uneventful one, except for the whole cheerleading thing.
We both got out of school a little early and grabbed Wee One from her school, and hit the road hoping to stay' [...]
Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location, the kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door.
Futurama, "A Head in the'" [...]
Peter Gibbons: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's just gonna be like... [He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs]
Chotchkie's Waiter: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe' [...]
