Mary and Todd spent several idyllic days prior to Thanksgiving visiting their twenty-six year old daughter Lisa. The day before Thanksgiving their twenty-two year old son Tom arrived. Within an hour, Mary and Lisa were fighting:
On the way from the airport, the family stopped for lunch. [...]
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I was a close friend with a co-worker for 5 years. At one point, she had a huge fight with a mutual co-worker, someone with emotional problems with whom I remained friends. She wasn't comfortable with the other woman; the stress between the two of them was palpable. I' [...]
Examples of passive aggression are all over the big screen. Given how often this behavior occurs and how conniving it can be, it's perfect fodder for Reality TV casting agents and screenwriters who want to show trouble in relationships! Next time you are watching a movie or indulging in some [...]
The “heart of the matter” is this – successfully married couples report a high level of satisfaction with the way they communicate with each other, and they attribute their marital success first and foremost to the fact that they have honed their communication skills over time.
So, what are the lessons [...]
Thanksgiving. A weekend of time-tested traditions like visiting with family you don't see enough, eating when you don't feel hungry anymore, and watching televised parades and football games that you don't actually care about. And then there are the newer traditions as well, like discussing the' [...]
Recently I read a poem about advice for poets who are just starting out and it got me thinking about what we say to young adults who are just starting to have sex and how it affects them later on. Too often we teach teenagers and [...]
Beware of entrance to a quarrel. ~ Shakespeare
All couples belong to what I call the Fight Club because they all fight. Couples that don't fight are the ones that therapists worry most about. In fact, couples who do not fight have double the divorce rate of those who do.' [...]
Here is what we know to be true - there are recurring themes in successful marriages around the world. In a nutshell, they are: togetherness/oneness of the relationship; truthfulness and honesty; mutual respect and kindness; a focus on healthy living and good health; the sharing of important financial decisions; daily [...]
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I've been friends for three years with a guy at my office. We became friends after a really rough period in which I was demoted, isolated, and treated quite shabbily, though I couldn't afford to leave and wasn't in the best psychological state to do so (like, I was' [...]
"For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived."
"Did you reform?"
"No, I'm not ashamed anymore." Mae West
Is there any connection between shame and romantic love? Although they appear to be very different, they do have something in common-they express our profound values or those of' [...]
One of the best things about being truly thankful -- as I hope many of us were yesterday on Thanksgiving -- is that it enables us to come from a place of abundance vs. scarcity. When we are thankful and grateful, our cup runneth over and life feels more hopeful [...]
This post has been co-authored with Dr. Deepak Chopra
The human stress response is a survival instinct designed for emergency situations like running away from a predator or fighting to overcome a violent adversary. However stress in modern day life comes from our "fight or flight" instincts being triggered [...]
Realizing that someone who once loved you loves you no longer is like getting the measles: go through it when you're young, and you'll probably get a mild case.
If it happens for the first time when you're older, it can be devastating.
It can be fatal.
Imagine that he's the first one' [...]
Any mother knows that middle-school can be a rough time for young women. Dara Chadwick is a freelance journalist and writer who spent a year chronicling her Weight Loss Diary for Shape Magazine. That experience and her interviews and discussions with her readers led her to reflect on [...]
It's that time of year again. Thanksgiving is associated with so many things, including time with family, holiday sales, football, and eating to the point of exhaustion. What about actually giving thanks? Is there room this weekend for such sentiments?
Research by Robert Emmons and his colleagues have repeatedly shown the [...]
There is a growing body of evidence that those people who regularly experience grateful thoughts reap numerous benefits in their lives --- such individuals:
- Have closer and more life-giving relationships with those they love
- They have fewer bouts with depression
- They heal faster when they are sick or hurt
- They [...]
"Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew," is a reality television show that tracks a group of celebrities whom enter psychiatric treatment for sex addiction. Enticing, right? Unfortunately this show breaks few barriers in following the traditional reality TV recipe: one part spontaneous behavior, one part rehearsed behavior, and [...]
"Philip asks Sandy to marry him and she says yes because she figures that she does love him, not passionately, but maybe it's good enough, the relationship is comfortable, and besides she hasn't found anything better yet. After several years of each trying to convince themselves'" [...]
Positive examples of marriage and long-term relationships abound -- they are everywhere! Successful and long-term relationships are the single greatest contributors to social order in the world today. And it is our profound belief that a focus on marriage, morality and values is a good thing.
Our 26 years [...]
I've done a little online dating lately and it's notable how many women (and perhaps men--I don't know) list "niceness" as a priority. They want a nice guy. Well, I certainly understand. I want a nice gal too. But experience has shown me that we can't simply pop this positive' [...]
Relationship troubles? The road in any relationship is fraught with potential pitfalls, some of them related to each partner's past experiences, and others due to problematic ways of coping together with various stresses and strains that we encounter in living life. No one ever said it would be easy. But [...]
Some race conversations are harder than others are. At times we can talk about race with lightheartedness, and at other times, we can't. There are reasons for that. When talk leads to a real need for change, we usually resist it.
At least those ideas felt clear to me this weekend,' [...]
Give yourself a minute (okay, twenty) to listen to this podcast especially for women with stepkids at holiday time. In it I chat with Jacque Fletcher, author of A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom.
As the culturally-designated "blending" agents of the stepfamily, stepmothers face special stressors during the [...]
While you choose the kind of person we want to be, you are also greatly affected by others. And, much like Michelangelo chiseled beautiful forms from stone, the right partner can help shape you into the person you'd like to be. This Michelangelo phenomenon not only feels' [...]
Introduction: My personal discovery of the need for reality checking
We've all heard the saying that when we assume, we make an ASS of U and ME. And when we feel like an ass we may feel shame, embarrassment and lowered self esteem. Then again, if when we're thinking someone else [...]
Those of you familiar with “What Every Body Is Saying,” or my previous Psychology Today posts, know that when we are under stress, our brain requires a certain amount of hand to body touching (hand wringing, forehead rubbing, temple massaging, lip touching, etc.). These pacifiers serve to soothe [...]
Why settle for giving a “thank you” when you can give a POWER THANK YOU*?
Make giving thanks the center piece of your Thanksgiving by having each person give a Power Thank You. It has 3 parts:
Part 1: Thank someone for something specific that they did for you (it [...]
The quest for true happiness is perceived by many to ultimate goal of human existence. When asked what they wish for themselves, most people say that they would like to be happy. Everything else they wish for themselves is just means to an end. While happiness has always been a [...]
When I was growing up there was a couple on my block. She was heavy and he was thin.
My mother who never failed to notice anything, particularly weight, would comment: She is heavy, but he is thin. Periodically, we would run into them and my mother would repeat "she is" [...]
My last column was mostly about two emotions, grief and fear. This column will concern two other emotions, shame and anger, and also another kind of stress, bodily tension such as illness and fatigue. Emotions and feelings are at core physical, rather than only mental. Sadness is the feeling we [...]
This week, I finished the audiobook for The Happiness Project. As I’d expected, it made me very happy to learn to do something new and to get a glimpse into the unfamiliar world of sound recording.
It was also thrilling to learn that none [...]
This week, as National Survivors of Suicide Day approaches tomorrow, we've been exploring the impact of suicide, both on a personal and societal level. Michael Behmer, a marriage and family therapist at Vive and co-founder of Chaos to Connection, a comprehensive program designed to restore relationships between parents and' [...]
A special guest post by stepmother, researcher, and author Jacquelyn Fletcher (A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom). While it's written specifically with stepmothers in mind, men with stepkids can benefit from Jacque's insights here as well...
As Thanksgiving approaches, instead of feeling the warm anticipation of a day to [...]
The role of being a stepparent has some inherent challenges. So I was pleased to interview Erin Munroe, author of The Everything Guide to Stepparenting: Practical, reassuring advice for creating healthy, long-lasting relationships, about some of the boundary issues between the roles of stepparent and friend.
Can a stepparent be [...]
By Jefferson M. Fish
One way of looking at Barack Obama's youth is as the story of a boy raised by a single mother and her parents who by dint of hard work and natural gifts overcame great odds to become President of the United States. This is a true story.
Another' [...]
Awhile back I wrote about 3 typical paths that dating relationships take (two healthy and one unhealthy) when one partner is more "in love" or devoted than the other. Read You're Just Not That Into Him (Part 1) to get the full story. A reader's comments [...]
Today: Back by popular demand...fifteen tips to avoid nagging.
I've posted this list before, but I'm posting it again, because the issue of nagging is something that people raise with me frequently in discussions of happiness. It turns out that being a nag is just [...]
"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses." -William Arthur Ward
Recently, University of New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert was called out by ESPN for punching, kicking, shoving, and throwing elbows against opponents after her team [...]
An ounce of flattery will get you a well behaved guest
Do you have any relatives or friends that ruin everyone's time on Thanksgiving or Christmas and you can't un-invite them? Do you feel guilty at wishing they'll either have other plans or be too sick to come? Do [...]
Most of us have a lovely vision of Thanksgiving: Driving along the road to Grandma's house on a familiar road, graced by autumn leaves. We imagine being greeted by warmth and family, feeling grateful and eating our familiar favorites. The kids have made turkey drawings [...]
The single major cause of emotional suffering and stress in our lives comes from the accumulated habitual emotional reactions to life events that we acquire through unconscious learning. We become victims of recurrent negative thoughts and patterns of emotional reactivity that operate automatically in the mind, and that operate outside [...]
The New Oxford American Dictionary chose the verb "unfriend" as its 2009 Word of the Year (WOTY) and defined it this way: "to remove someone as a ‘friend' on a social networking site such as Facebook." The word "has both currency and potential longevity," explained Christine Lindberg, Oxford's senior lexicographer' [...]
What did you think of the first part of my attempt to process my father's death? The story continues...let me know what you think!<!--break-->
The next thing I knew, my mother's screaming startled me awake. She came home, walked through the door and found a note taped to the giraffe [...]
QUESTION
Dear Irene,
My friend has been going through marriage problems ever since I've known her (13 years now). I have been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. When the problems got too big to deal with, I suggested counseling since I didn't want their marriage problems to [...]
Stepfamilies are under extra stress as the holidays--with their pressure cooker of "family" expectations--get underway. While they now outnumber first families in the U.S., many stepfamily members report feeling second-best and misunderstood when our thoughts turn to turkey, yultide, and latkahs. This is in large part because so many of [...]
Some patterns in our lives tend to repeat. You may meet a new person, and suddenly find that you talk as though you were back in college with them. Or, you may meet a new romantic interest, and you speak to them as if they were [...]
One day in class we were discussing INTIMACY in romantic relationships, and one of the women made the comment, “I just can’t figure out why men don’t want to be intimate.” In response (obviously speaking before thinking), a young man in the back of the room blurted out: “We do [...]
When it comes to relationships, the question I am most often asked is, “how do I know my relationship is okay, that he’s still into me?” To which I answer, there are two well kept secrets to knowing how others feel about us, one we see with the hands, the [...]
Very often we do not see what is right in front of us. In the case of the fish, he doesn't know that he's wet. In the case of ourselves, it is more often that we do not have a clear grasp of the interior mechanisms that inform our choices,' [...]
There are two months out of the year I'm not too keen on living through. One is March, obviously, since that is the month in which my father committed suicide, a month that still, almost seven years later, smells the same, looks the same and all-around feels the same as' [...]
Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H., Dr. Mark Goulston, Ilana Simons, Ph.D., Gad Saad, Ph.D., Thomas Scheff, Ph.D., Susan Newman, Ph.D., Signe Whitson, L.S.W., Melissa Blake, Harris B. Stratyner, Ph.D., CASAC, Michael J. Formica, Art Markman, Ph.D., John R. Buri, Ph.D., Joe Navarro, M.A., Mark Sichel, L.C.S.W., Gretchen Rubin, Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D., Linda Young, Ph.D., Robert Wicks, April Lane Benson, Ph.D., Daniel R. Hawes, Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D. and Marilyn Krieger, Ph.D., Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., Peter H. Kahn, Jr., Ph.D., Emily Troscianko, Tina Seelig, Susan Shapiro Barash, Jeremy Sherman, Ph.D., Susan Pease Gadoua, Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., Jenna Baddeley, Stanton Peele, Seth Meyers, Ph.D., Jeremy Clyman, Gay Bradshaw, Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., Alex Lickerman, M.D., Regina Barreca, Ph.D., Ilene Serlin , PhD, Mikhail Lyubansky, Ph.D., Ryan Howes, Ph.D., Jared DeFife, Ph.D., Steven Stosny, Ran Zilca, Carlin Flora, Guest Blogger, Robert Fuller, Ph.D., Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., Peter G. Stromberg, Ph.D., Helene Guldberg, Ph.D., Eliezer Sobel, Michael D. Yapko, Ph.D., Jane Bolton, Psy.D., M.F.T., C.C., Michele Weiner-Davis, LisaMarie Luccioni, M.A., A.I.C.I., C.I.P., Simon Y. Feuerman, Psy.D., L.C.S.W., Marsha Lucas, Ph.D., Peter Strong, Ph.D., Victoria Maxwell, Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Harry K. Wexler, Ph.D., Clay Routledge, Ph.D., Linda G. Mills, Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., Melinda Blau, Susan Pinker, Lynne Soraya, Kenneth J. Gergen, Ph.D., Marnia Robinson, Robert Firestone, Ph.D., Sam Margulies, David Rock, Ira Rosofsky, Ph.D., Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D., Phyllis R. Silverman, Ph.D., Mel Schwartz, L.C.S.W., Sam Sommers, Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D., Allison Conner, Psy.D., Abigail Pogrebin, Pamela Cytrynbaum, Andrew Galperin, Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., Geoffrey Greif, Susan Carnell, Ph.D., Elizabeth A. Schmitz, Ed.D., Dr Leslie Becker-Phelps, Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D., Ellen Weber Libby, Ph.D., Connie Bennett, MSJ, CHHC, Ann Smith, Susan Biali, M.D., Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., Marcia Eckerd, Ph.D., Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D., Cloe Madanes, Dr. Charles Sophy, Harvey Milkman, Ph.D., Susan Harrow, Sascha Rothchild, Gordon S. Livingston
