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  • Blind

    Number of comments: 0
    You may be aware that several years ago, we adopted some homeless carny fish. On the way home from the carnival, they were dropped, sat on, shaken, and basically taken for a whole new ride, but they toughed it out, clinging happily to their tiny plastic bag survival land. Over [...]
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    Posted: December 01, 2009, 7:04pm EST
    by The Woman

  • Spider in the Car

    Number of comments: 0
    Few things render one as helpless as a spider dangling threateningly from the windshield of the car as one is driving under an overpass through a dangerous merge area of a major highway in the rain. It's baffling the complete and total loss of reasoning and logic. Panic, sheer confined [...]
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    Posted: November 24, 2009, 4:53pm EST
    by The Woman

  • Potty Words, Potty Words Everywhere

    Number of comments: 0
    Well, the boy keeps saying potty words. Sigh. And he has taught them to other kids. Sigh. Sigh. AND he has taught the other kids how to spell them. Groan.

    How did he learn how to spell them, you may ask. Not from me. His phonemic awareness must be [...]
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    Posted: November 23, 2009, 5:49pm EST
    by The Woman

  • Catching the Turkey

    Number of comments: 1
    Last year, as the turkey was cooking, Bubby asked me where the bird came from. I explained that I caught it and plucked it, and viola, we have a turkey. I was kidding, of course, but you know, the boy has a memory. He asked the other day when I [...]
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    Posted: November 22, 2009, 10:15pm EST
    by The Woman

  • Pants

    Number of comments: 0
    The boy has been learning about the Pilgrims at school. Today, his teachers posed a few questions. Here they are, accompanied by Bubby's genuine, no nonsense answers.

    1. If you were a Pilgrim, where would you live?
    In my house.

    2. If you were a Pilgrim, what [...]
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    Posted: November 18, 2009, 8:26pm EST
    by The Woman

  • My Spooky Decorating

    Number of comments: 0

    The neighbors told me to keep it all up until Christmas. [...]
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    Posted: November 08, 2009, 10:56am EST
    by The Woman

  • Teeny Bopper Concerts

    Number of comments: 0
    I just wanted the world to know that I went to the Miley Cyrus concert, and I enjoyed every minute of it--that is until I left the arena and felt grossly untalented. I can't sing or dance or wear hot pants. Can't do it now. Couldn't do it when I' [...]
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    Posted: November 06, 2009, 8:20pm EST
    by The Woman

  • Better Today

    Number of comments: 0
    Oh, I am so much better today. Silly me! What was I thinking, having emotions and all. Goodness. Back to my normal, callous self, and I am so much happier that way. [...]
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    Posted: October 17, 2009, 10:57am EDT
    by The Woman

  • Nothing Gold Can Stay

    Number of comments: 1
    Robert Frost really hit the nail on the head with that one. It's absolutely true. Sorry to get all philosophical on you, but today I realized that my gold is gone. All gone.

    The accelerator here is that the very last piece of memorabilia from the days when I' [...]
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    Posted: October 14, 2009, 9:49pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Pickles and Corn Pops for Dinner

    Number of comments: 1
    No, no one is pregnant. That's what Tootsie wanted for dinner. I'm trying to justify it somehow, but I can't, so I am resigning myself to the fact that sometimes, Tootsie is simply eight-years-old and wants pickles and cereal for dinner. So be it.' [...]
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    Posted: October 14, 2009, 7:50pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Don't Mess with Michael

    Number of comments: 0
    Our household, like any other Malcolm in the Middle-esque home, has the standard rules: no hitting, kicking, spitting, name calling, etc. All of these are enforced whenever infractions are observed by the proper authorities. Otherwise, it's pretty much eye-for-an-eye or I'm telling Mom. Recently, however, a new rule has entered [...]
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    Posted: October 10, 2009, 11:22am EDT
    by The Woman

  • I Can't Wait for Old Age

    Number of comments: 0
    Today, we picked up Chinese food for dinner. On the way to the car, my boy proceeded to shoot everyone in the parking lot with his bubble blower fan. He pretended it was a gun. Nice.

    As we were driving home, and the boy was crying that he wished [...]
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    Posted: October 01, 2009, 6:48pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Odd News in the Woman's Life

    Number of comments: 0
    I am now officially a member of a homemaker's group, and I like it. Seemingly, I have completely shed everything that was youthful and fancy-free so that I can bake casseroles and delicate, ladylike desserts. We meet at each other's homes and spend an evening eating and chatting. Sometimes, it's' [...]
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    Posted: September 28, 2009, 10:11am EDT
    by The Woman

  • Wildlife

    Number of comments: 0
    Wildlife, oh wildlife, why do you invade my kitchen?
    Stinkbugs, you do not belong here.
    Moths, you either.
    And fruit-flies, what do you want from me? I'm neither sweet nor nectar-filled.
    Be forewarned: if I find you, I will squash you, except for you, stinkbug,
    For everyone tells me you' [...]
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    Posted: September 28, 2009, 10:06am EDT
    by The Woman

  • The Pledge of Allegiance

    Number of comments: 0
    In Bubby's own words:

    I pedge aweegance to the flag
    Of the United States of Amerwica
    And to the wee public for witch it stands (picture a tiny public at Halloween time)
    One nation under God
    Inbibbable
    Wiff wiberty (smell good?)
    And justice
    For all.' [...]
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    Posted: September 20, 2009, 11:14am EDT
    by The Woman

  • The World on My Shoulders

    Number of comments: 0
    I just wanted you to know that New York City is much more fun when you have to carry a grumpy four-year-old twenty blocks on your shoulders. It's even more enjoyable when said four-year-old begins to whine and cry, "What's that smell? I can't stand that smell! I've smelled it" [...]
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    Posted: August 31, 2009, 8:34pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • We're Normal Folk

    Number of comments: 0
    Guess what? I reached my goal: the car fits into the garage. We're normal folk now!' [...]
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    Posted: August 27, 2009, 4:01pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Advertising for the Intelligent Crowd

    Number of comments: 0


    I had no choice but to buy these light bulbs after reading the box. Energy efficient bulbs usually use less wattage than the original bulb, right? But the concept of actually raising my electricity bill by replacing the old bulbs with ones that use more [...]
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    Posted: August 22, 2009, 12:55pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Thank Goodness for Willy Wonka

    Number of comments: 0
    Were it not for that wonderful 1970's film, I would not still be laughing. Today, at the pool, a little boy, or should I say a big boy, who much resembled Augustus Gloop was stahving. For 10 minutes, he pounded on the snack bar glass, begging the guards to open' [...]
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    Posted: August 18, 2009, 5:56pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Hmmm

    Number of comments: 0
    Well, Bubby just informed me that he is "sick and tired" of my telling him what to do. What do ya know? That settles it then. Since he is sick and tired of hearing my instructions, and I am sick and tired of giving them, let's stop. No more instructions.' [...]
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    Posted: August 16, 2009, 3:32pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Motherhood Has Taught Me...

    Number of comments: 0
    ...that not matter how many times you pretreat and wash the shirt, you just can't get rid of that blood stain from the head injury. You might as well put that shirt in the box of memorabilia because we all want to remember the head injury. It makes a good' [...]
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    Posted: August 13, 2009, 4:30pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Bubby Hates Ronald McDonald

    Number of comments: 1
    So, apparently, Bubby possesses a deep-seated hatred for Ronald McDonald. Whenever the clown shows up on TV, Bubby flies into a rage and tells me that if he ever meets "That Clown," he will kick it and punch it. It conjures up this image of Bubby's little fists-a-flyin'. I have [...]
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    Posted: August 12, 2009, 12:12pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • The Body

    Number of comments: 2
    We have thoroughly enjoyed our summer, but one of the best parts was the visit to the Body Worlds exhibit in Buffalo. For those of you who don't know what this is, the display focuses on anatomy; this one specifically explored the circulatory system. What made it so AWESOME was' [...]
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    Posted: August 10, 2009, 9:07am EDT
    by The Woman

  • A Few More Things I Never Thought I'd Say

    Number of comments: 0
    1. Don't beat up the penguin.
    2. Yes, I could climb that tree.
    3. Checkers is not a crying game.
    4. Yes, Batman does too take naps.' [...]
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    Posted: August 10, 2009, 9:01am EDT
    by The Woman

  • Colonoscopies for Everyone!

    Number of comments: 0
    A colonoscopy is a lot like a 24-hour pregnancy.

    Hour One: In the beginning, you think, "Hey, this isn't so bad. I feel fine."

    Hour Two: You drink that horrendous cocktail: remember the diabetes test? (I've now added Gatorade to my never-be-able-to-stomach again list--right up there with certain [...]
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    Posted: July 18, 2009, 9:24am EDT
    by The Woman

  • Fun with Anal Glands and the Surrounding Anatomy

    Number of comments: 1
    The dog has trumped it all. It wasn't weird enough that he lost all of his toenails; he had to go the extra mile and develop an infected anal gland. Oh, it was such a fun visit to the vet. She expressed his glands, and lo and behold, the left' [...]
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    Posted: July 07, 2009, 12:16pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Earthquakes

    Number of comments: 0
    So, yes, we did have a tiny quake the other day. It was so small that a few people reported hearing a noise, and that was about it. Tootsie, Bubby, and I did not notice it at all. My best guess is that I was pouring coffee when it happened, [...]
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    Posted: July 04, 2009, 9:21am EDT
    by The Woman

  • Some Nice Summer Images

    Number of comments: 0
    Lightning bug Christmas lights
    Watery Slip-N-Slide
    Rainbow bubbles
    Heavy, fat rainplops
    Silent sweat bees
    Silver heat pools
    Ice cream [...]
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    Posted: June 29, 2009, 11:19am EDT
    by The Woman

  • New Superhero Catch phrases

    Number of comments: 0
    Freeze, or I'll toot. (any, really)

    You're making me gassy. You won't like me when I'm gassy. (Blulk)

    I'm your fiendly neighborhood lighter man. (Pyroman)

    Holy chaps, Vatman! (Robin--need we say more)




    Look, it's the vat signal! (Vatman--300 pounds stuffed' [...]
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    Posted: June 23, 2009, 1:13pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • The Grass Wars and Exploding Tummies

    Number of comments: 0
    Oh, it's on... again. I mow; my neighbor mows. I mow again. He mows again. I don't want my grass taller than his, and he doesn't want his taller than mine. It's a vicious cycle--but I'm having fun with it.

    I did manage to destroy the clover. The funny' [...]
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    Posted: June 23, 2009, 9:54am EDT
    by The Woman

  • Red Shoes

    Number of comments: 0
    Ok, so I bought these fantastic shoes, and you know I'm not a shoe person. It must be my equivalent of a midlife crisis. Some people buy a sports car--I buy red shoes. Then, I had to hunt high and low to find clothes that would match the red shoes.' [...]
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    Posted: June 17, 2009, 7:39am EDT
    by The Woman

  • Band Aid Mama

    Number of comments: 0
    I love the randomness of parenthood. Today, I found a used band aid stuck to my clean clothing. Although the thing had been "previously owned," it obviously had gone through the laundry. At no point in my old, ordinary life would I have found someone else's used band aid stuck [...]
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    Posted: June 14, 2009, 12:34pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Friends

    Number of comments: 0
    The other night, Bubby explained to me that his brain is friends with his face, his stomach, his bones, his skeleton (which apparently is a separate entity from his bones), and his hands. Imagine my relief at knowing his brain has developed an amicable relationship with the rest of the [...]
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    Posted: June 03, 2009, 5:32pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • When Cars Talk

    Number of comments: 0
    My first car was a beige Ford Escort station wagon named Millie. She was old, tired, and a little bit incontinent. She moaned and creaked, but she always got me where I needed to be. I would rub her dashboard when I got in, coaxing her to start, and pat [...]
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    Posted: May 23, 2009, 5:22pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Unauthorized Yard Work

    Number of comments: 0
    In our old house, I did the yard work, and everyone knew it. We lived on a wonderfully welcoming, tightly-knit street. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my husband went outside to cut the grass, and a neighbor stopped him to ask if I knew he was using my [...]
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    Posted: May 18, 2009, 11:42am EDT
    by The Woman

  • The Privy

    Number of comments: 0
    Just a piece of advice: always clean your toilet.

    It always proves true that when the toilet is dirty and the mega-sized box of tampons is on the floor, someone unfamiliar with your dirt will ask to use your toilet. Or you'll have to throw up in it. Either' [...]
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    Posted: May 13, 2009, 8:16pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Fate Works in Wondrous Ways

    Number of comments: 0
    I now know why I have the billions of clover mites in my house. Those tiny bugs allowed me to share with a parent the fond memories I have of his child, who passed away. I wrote about the young man previously, but I never had the opportunity to tell [...]
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    Posted: May 04, 2009, 6:57pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • What Will Diego Do?

    Number of comments: 0
    Let it be known that Tootsie is no fan of Diego. She can't stand him because he seems pretty slow on the uptake. Pieces of Luna could be resting on his face and he still wouldn't be able to see them without our help. And, why can't he just tell' [...]
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    Posted: May 03, 2009, 10:15pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Changing the Mood

    Number of comments: 0
    Is it time to buy a pig and do some DNA experimenting? Maybe I could make my own swine flu vaccine and become a millionaire.

    Oh, right, I'm not allowed to have livestock in my neighborhood.

    Well, then, in that case, perhaps I should panic like the' [...]
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    Posted: April 29, 2009, 6:08pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Safe

    Number of comments: 1
    Well, my job is safe for a year, but I will probably take a significant cut in salary (almost 10%). At least I still have the job. I know some very good people whose contracts will not be renewed this week. Darn. [...]
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    Posted: April 28, 2009, 7:07pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Blah

    Number of comments: 1
    Blah. That's how I feel. The economy stinks, and the outlook is not good at work. Some people's contracts will not be renewed for next year. We all meet one-on-one with the boss this week to find out if we are the unlucky ones. So, I feel blah.

    Hopefully, [...]
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    Posted: April 27, 2009, 7:37pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Pretty or Old

    Number of comments: 0
    I work with adolescents, and I can readily admit that I enjoy it profusely, but I always garner an entirely different outlook on life when I have the opportunity to spend some time with the little people, regardless of how short the duration. This week, two four-year-olds told me that [...]
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    Posted: April 24, 2009, 10:37pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Fun with the Bard

    Number of comments: 0
    Something you should know:

    Cock'rel stones are rooster testicles. Go ahead and explain that fine element of Shakepeare's sense of humor to a room full of eighth graders. Really, it's not totally out of context: he did incorporate it into a speech about nipples and teats. La de da.' [...]
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    Posted: April 22, 2009, 6:43pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • What Happened to the Rabbit?

    Number of comments: 1
    I woke up Easter morning and couldn't wait to see
    What the Easter Bunny left downstairs for me
    I woke my mom and dad and my sister too
    I knew then exactly what to do
    I tiptoed down the stairs and peeked around the corner
    I needed to stop my' [...]
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    Posted: April 14, 2009, 4:50pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • My Dog Ate the Easter Bunny

    Number of comments: 0
    I woke up Easter morning and couldn't wait to see
    What the Easter Bunny left downstairs for me
    I woke my mom and dad and my sister too
    I knew then exactly what to do
    I tiptoed down the stairs and peeked around the corner
    I needed to stop my' [...]
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    Posted: April 11, 2009, 11:45pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Can't Walk a Straight Line

    Number of comments: 0
    I've noticed a few things about being a mom lately, things I guess that have always been present in my unconscious mind but that have recently been pushed to the forefront.

    1. I seem to have developed some kind of bizarre magnetic pull. No matter in which direction I' [...]
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    Posted: April 11, 2009, 8:24pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Mass Carnage on the Windowsill

    Number of comments: 2

    I know, it's blurry, but it's tape lined with pinhead-sized clover mites.

    The invasion of the clover mites continues. The saga lives on. They sent their first round of troops, who evidently reported back to the colony that they met no resistance. Consequently, the rest [...]
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    Posted: April 05, 2009, 10:15pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • Is It Time to Be Difficult?

    Number of comments: 0
    My neighbor is mowing his "grass." I say "grass" because when the neighbors were trying to grow it, they became quite upset that my children stepped on it. Yes, my near-weightless children who almost defy gravity stepped on it--like five times. Heavens to Betsy, they may have bent a blade. [...]
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    Posted: April 04, 2009, 3:03pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • iTunes Genius

    Number of comments: 0
    Ok, I am a dork. A big one. Has iTunes Genius made you a page yet? I ask because I opened iTunes, and there it was. I felt like a cross between a 70 year-old woman and an 8 year-old girl when I saw mine. Mixed in with Bing Crosby, [...]
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    Posted: April 03, 2009, 6:26pm EDT
    by The Woman

  • I Dream of Diego

    Number of comments: 0
    I've often wondered what comprises my children's dreams. This morning I got a little glimpse when I woke up Bubby for school. He sat up, all groggy and tired, and blurted out, "Diego needs tools!"

    I guess my boy was an animal rescuer last night. Diego needs tools! Never [...]
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    Posted: March 30, 2009, 6:09pm EDT
    by The Woman
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