According to North [...]
Every so often in the humor writing business, you start to get worried that the world may be running out of funny things. This has been especially true lately; my colleague Jeff Vrabel has even suggested we might be in the midst of a full-fledged [...]
WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Secret Service is defending itself for the second time in a week today, after news broke that a White House state dinner had again been crashed by uninvited guests - this time by Muppets characters Statler and Waldorf, fresh off their appearance [...] 
As you may recall, around this time each year I like to take a moment to remind my readers that there are still plenty of reasons to be truly thankful. And if I can say that from my perch here in the heart of the [...]
If the idea is to endear the Muppets to audiences that weren't around during their '70s heyday, then having them cover a Queen song probably isn't going to cut it. But I don't care, because this is AWESOME.
GENEVA (CAP) - Scientists preparing the world's largest atom smasher to explore the depths of matter say chances it will open up a black hole that will suck in the entire earth, destroying all life, are "iffy at best." "I mean, you'd need an awful lot'" [...]
As any experienced parent will tell you, the longer you can keep your kids watching PBS, the better. Because even though Barney the Dinosaur may fill you with an inexplicable rage not unlike what an African honey badger must feel right before it crushes [...]
It's my favorite time of year; no, not Thanksgiving, although I am looking forward to gorging myself on carbs and poultry, not necessarily in that order. I'm actually referring to the annual release of the list documenting toys that, while on the surface may appear fun' [...] 
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (CAP) - Still basking in its discovery of water on the moon, NASA yesterday announced its second momentous find of the week: 25 more sex tapes made by former Miss USA Carrie Prejean. "It's not like we were intentionally out there, you know,'" [...]
It would be hard to overstate how much I'm enjoying the meep story out of Danvers, Mass. This is of course the incident in which the Danvers High School principal banned the use of the word "meep" (such that it is) because students were using' [...] 
I have a confession to make: I turned my back on an old friend, just when he needed me most. Well, that’s if you can consider an LP album to be a “he.” In some cases I suppose it might be a she. If you’re [...]
BURBANK, Calif. (CAP) - A soft opening for Disney's A Christmas Carol has jeopardized the company's planned slate of creepy animated movies nobody really wants to see, says one Disney executive who declined to be named. "We had planned to roll out two or three of" [...]
SALEM, Mass. (CAP) - Halloween festivities in Salem, Mass. were marred Saturday when police arrested more than a dozen 11- and 12-year-old girls, mistaking them for prostitutes. "Well, you can't tell me they didn't look like prostitutes," said Salem Police spokesman Howard Wieczorek, who noted that [...]
As a native New Yorker living in the Boston area, I’ll admit to having a complicated relationship with the Yankees. Not as complicated as the relationship between A-Rod, his wife and Madonna, but still …
See? Even I can’t resist the easy A-Rod joke, even [...]
If you’ve had even a fleeting experience with the Internet, you’ve probably thought to yourself, “Is there anything Twitter can’t do?” You’ve also probably wondered why there are so many videos of cats, but also the Twitter thing.
For the uninformed, Twitter is [...]
I'm glad people are finally starting to take notice of the crazy sexy costumes they're selling for little girls. (And when I say "crazy sexy" I am not referring to a TLC album. Wait, did I just date myself?) The adult costumes are insane [...] 
"As" [...]
Given the less than spectacular reviews for the new Amelia Earhart biopic, it's entirely possible that Monday's Variety headline will be "Amelia crashes and burns at the box office." And that would be their right.
FT. COLLINS, Colo. (CAP) - Authorities conducting a follow-up search of "balloon boy" father Richard Heene's Colorado home have turned up missing aviatrix Amelia Earhart living in a box in his attic, where she'd apparently been since her legendary disappearance. Earhart, well over 100 years old, [...]
I received an e-mail this week that started, “Hello Peter. Two advanced biofuels companies are announcing today that they can turn poop into petrol, and I thought you’d want to know about it.” My first thought in response to this was: Apparently my reputation has [...]
PLAINS, Ga. (CAP) - Former President Jimmy Carter says the unexpected awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama may be the direct result of lingering racism on the part of the Norwegian Nobel Committee. "It took me more than 20 years of diplomatic" [...]
I loved "Star Wars" as a kid, because frankly, what was not to love, with the possible exception of the Ewoks? That was before George Lucas released the three "prequel" movies, in which we find out that Darth Vader was, in reality, this pouty guy [...] 
My new favorite band is a group out of Scotland called We Were Promised Jetpacks. Not because of their music, which I haven’t heard yet, but because of their well-placed sense of righteous indignation. We were promised jetpacks, gosh darn it — what the [...]
In my latest for Popdose.com, I offer a random list of five business movies I deem worthy of the key to the executive washroom, in honor of the release of Michael Moore's Capitalism: A Love Story. (Which I'm sure is more depressing than any of [...] 
All over New England, farmers spend months preparing their soil, cultivating specially bred seeds and gently tending their crop with high-tech lamps while protecting it from the ravages from the sun. They do this so they can, at the end of their labors, deliver the [...]
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - In the wake of Mackenzie Phillips' admission that she had a decade-long consensual relationship with her own father, most of the actress' fans agree that her long-rumored affair with co-star Pat Harrington, a.k.a. One Day At A Time handyman "Schneider," doesn't seem so' [...] 
I’ll be reaching my 41st birthday next week, which means of course that I’ll be thinking about the inescapable specter of my own impending mortality. And also, cake!
I would submit, though, that it’s not my fault the grim reaper weighs more heavily on my [...]
COLUMBUS, Ohio (CAP) - Citing the need for the community to come together in an effort to curb the poor behavior of unruly youngsters, the Ohio Legislature is close to passing a law that would make it legal to spank other people's children. "Well, it's obvious" [...]
CHICAGO (CAP) - The Association of American Educators (AAE) has lodged a complaint with the Apple Corporation over its new, fifth-generation iPod Nano, which includes a retractable 2 1/2-inch steel blade inside in the aluminum casing. "The iPods were bad enough when they just distracted students" [...]
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A confidential survey by CAP News shows that the majority of parents who are against President Obama's planned "speech to students" are trying to keep their children from finding out the country has a black president. "I've managed to keep it under wraps'" [...]
This may come as a surprise to my regular readers, but I’m here to report that I’ve officially stopped worrying about killer robots. I’ve decided there are much more productive things I could be doing with my time. With that in mind, I’ve decided to start [...] 
SEATTLE (CAP) - In what some are labeling an elaborate prank and others call corporate sabotage, sources close to the Microsoft Corp. say the software giant may actually be behind the rash of exploding iPods and iPhones reported throughout Europe. Cases in both France and the [...]
For my latest Farkakte Film Flashback over at Popdose.com, I look at some random examples of the venerable road movie, if To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar can be considered venerable. Other subjects of this random rewind include The Muppet Movie, which I [...] 
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Dear Mr. Education:
I’ve always driven my son to school, but he wants to ride the bus this year. Should I let him?
Hesitant [...]
This past July my family and I had our best Red Sox experience ever: perfect weather, a great game, and we somehow got picked out of the crowd to be spotlighted on the big screen for their “Fan Stories” segment. Our only mistake was afterwards, [...]
1) At Canobie Lake, no caramel apple is so caramelly that it doesn't warrant also being covered in rainbow sprinkles.
My latest "Farkakte Film Flashback" is up on popdose.com, and in honor of The Time Traveler's Wife, I'm doing a random rewind to great (and a few not-so-great) time travel movies of the distant past. No, not Back to the Future -- that would be [...] 
Attention all Boston-area Brendan Fraser lookalikes! This is your big chance: Do you look like Brendan Fraser? Boston Casting is seeking men who bear a striking resemblance to Brendan Fraser (THE MUMMY, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH) for the film FURRY VENGEANCE. If [...]
There are certain things we simply do not yet know about interstellar space travel. For instance, once scientists finally invent warp drive, will it really look like the lasers in a Pink Floyd planetarium show? It’s just too soon to tell, although if it [...]
I recently got an e-mail from someone at GMAC Insurance who asked the question, “If licensed Massachusetts residents had to take a written drivers test today, would they pass?” According to the e-mail, “that answer is up for debate,” by which I presume they mean, “not in a million, trillion [...]
My sister and her husband recently welcomed a new baby, a blessed event that was of course preceded by the usual litany of name suggestions from the rest of the family. For instance, my brother suggested “Bubba,” and I wish I could tell you he [...]
Back when I was at Tufts -- let's just say it was post-Bee Gees but before college kids all had cell phones stapled to the sides of their heads -- the annual Spring Fling concert usually ended with authorities having to call an ambulance for some idiot freshman who'd ingested [...]
There comes a time in every parent’s life when you realize that you want the family vacation to be about more than riding roller coasters or sitting on a beach. You want it to be educational and enriching, and to foster an appreciation for the [...]
It’s Mother’s Day, the time of year when children honor their mothers by taking them out to brunch. This way Mom can have a nice, relaxing meal, and still be back home early enough to do all the laundry, shop for groceries and vacuum up [...]
Amid the whole kerfuffle over the Boston Globe and its possible (and now apparently averted) shutdown, some people have wondered aloud why it is that we need newspapers. Is it because they are guardians of the public trust? Watchdogs of government malfeasance? The place where you can read “Wizard [...]
I've been back for a week, but feel like I'm still catching up from our family vacation to Baltimore, Washington D.C. and Penn State. I thought going back to work would help me to relax, but people keep asking me to do stuff, even though my [...] 
Last week my mother, who is now retired and as a result finally has time to go through her closets, presented me with a large box of photographs from my teen years that I had apparently abandoned there when I moved out. Looking through them [...]
During the ice storms this past winter, we didn’t lose power or heat, have to move to a shelter or take refuge on the roof to wait for rescue boats. So it would probably seem silly for me to complain about the two weeks we [...]
I’ve been trying to eat healthier lately in anticipation of my annual physical, but the whole world seems to be conspiring against me. For instance, every time I open the refrigerator, there’s food there.
The latest obstacle to my quest for a healthy lifestyle is [...]
They say when you turn 40 everything starts to go. I figured this was a myth until I turned 40 and woke up to find I had made a Kafkaesque transformation into Ernest Borgnine.
First of all there’s my struggle with vitamin D deficiency, which [...]
You may recall my recent concern over the robot teacher being tested in Japan. I was worried that it might not be as effective as a real teacher, and also, it might represent the first wave of our eventual enslavement by killer cyborgs. Taken together, [...] 
Happy St. Patrick's Day from everyone's favorite green celebrity. (Sorry, it's not the Hulk.)
So Jack in the Box got hit by a bus, was in a coma for 2 weeks, and is now giving away free fries? How did I miss this?
I'm a little concerned that the bra dryer looks like Darth Vader:
As if we people in newspapers don't feel bad enough, now Paul Rudd is making fun of us. Paul Rudd!
Obama Reads Bush's Letter - watch more funny videos
Doomsday has a Website: [www.december212012.com] 
On the season eight premiere of “American Idol,” a woman auditioned wearing nothing but a bikini. And I know what you’re thinking: How could it possibly have taken eight seasons for someone to think of auditioning for “American Idol” in nothing but a bikini? Whatever happened [...] 
Heading out to Washington for the inaugural? Well, you don’t need to be one of 3 million people standing aimlessly out in the cold. Instead you can read this handy inauguration guide, and be one of 3 million people standing out in the cold in an [...] 
As regular readers of this column know, this is the time of year when I like to look back on my predictions from 12 months ago to see whether my keen journalistic insight served me well in prognosticating the major events for the coming year. And [...]
Video of the American Standard Toilet Flushing Championships: 
Welcome to my world.
Happy Fathers Day to all, and to all a good night.
God help us all.
If you watch "The Office," you must watch this:
This pretty much says it all when it comes to flying.
This pretty much says it all when it comes to flying.
Happy Birthday, Jackson Pollock. Make your own Pollock here: 
