Nihilist In Golf Pants

• Top 11 Reasons That Tiger Woods Was Stepping Out On Elin Nordegren With Rachel Uchitel (among others)

  11. Liked the way that Rachel referred to it as "taking out your long iron" 10. Working out with Rachel helped him knock a couple of strokes off his game 9. Rachel laid down for him even easier than Phil Mickelson8. Elin will no longer polish his club7. Elin took [...]
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  Posted: December 02, 2009, 6:21pm EST
  

• Top 11 Candidates for Notre Dame Head Football Coach

  11. Lou Holtz10. Tim Brewster9. Jerry Faust8. Kate Moss (to get someone as dissimilar to Charlie Weis as possible)7. Tom Cruise6. The guy who played the coach in "Rudy"5. Kate Michelman4. The dude who snuck his wife into the state dinner3. Khalid Sheik Mohamed2. The Nihilist in Golf Pants1. Barrack [...]
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  Posted: November 30, 2009, 3:31pm EST
  

• There's A Rumor Going 'Round; Someone's Underground

  Nihilist In Golf Pants editors are investigating reports that Attorney General Eric Holder replaced the documentation for the presidential pardon of Courage, the Thanksgiving Day turkey with paperwork pardoning 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Muhammad.At this point, we just don't know whether or not the pardon switch happened or whether it' [...]
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  Posted: November 25, 2009, 8:21pm EST
  

• Top 11 Reasons Iron World Is Closing

  Sad news out of Chisholm, MN. The theme park formerly known as Iron World is shutting its doors.I guess I can tear up that lifetime pass the Nihilist bought me for my birthday last year. Ah well, here are the top 11 reaons why we suspect it's closing.11) Kids aren't' [...]
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  Posted: November 20, 2009, 9:00pm EST
  

• Top 11 Suggested Titles for Levi Johnston's Upcoming Autobiography

  11) Going Commando: An American Life Without Underwear10) Going Condomless9) The Audacity of Knocking Up Sarah Palin’s Daughter8) Yes I Can Reproduce!7) 100 Girls I'd Like to Pork6) Son in Law (with foreword by Paulie Shore)5) Mommie-in-Law Dearest4) She Burned the Turkey Tetrazzini and Other True Stories of Sarah Palin3)' [...]
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  Posted: November 18, 2009, 12:54pm EST
  

• Top 11 Alternate Titles Suggested by Marketing for Sarah Palin's new book, "Going Rogue: An American Life"

  11) Going Rouge: Hot Make Up Tips to Look Like Me10) Going Toga: Tales From My Sorority Days9) The Life and Times of Levi Johnston's Mother-in-Law8) Joe Biden is a Big Bald Idiot7) Katie Couric Can Kiss My Ass!6) The Big Book of Alaskan Humor5) A MILF in the White [...]
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  Posted: November 17, 2009, 8:39pm EST
  

• Damn Liberal Yankees

  If you need another reason to hate the Democrats, here it is. Union workers, welfare queens and and illegal aliens thrive under Democratic administrations, but not as much as the New York Yankees.In this, the first year of the Obama Administration, the Yankees won their first World Series since . [...]
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  Posted: November 06, 2009, 9:26pm EST
  

• You Go Girl

  There's been a lot of talk about the importance of positive body images for women. US Magazine recently ran a positive story about normal, everyday women who love their bodies. Or do they? Here are the top 11 body image quotes from the article, from the woman who said it:11. [...]
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  Posted: November 04, 2009, 7:06pm EST
  

• Foot And Mouth Disease

  Our good friend LearnedFoot is officially a missing person. His whereabouts have been unknown since 3 pm last Sunday. While no one seems to know where he is, we have a top 11 list of likely speculations regarding his whereabouts:11. Naked in the fetal position in his basement muttering, "how" [...]
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  Posted: November 03, 2009, 8:48pm EST
  

• Packer Fans' Status Alert Update: on to Bargaining

  [...]
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  Posted: November 01, 2009, 7:29pm EST
  

• Top 11 Reasons President Obama Cancelled Plans to Attend the 20th Anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall

  11. Confused when staff told him he couldn’t blame the destruction of the Berlin Wall on George W. Bush and Fox News 10. He's planning to spend millions in stimulus funds on rebuilding the Berlin Wall9. Heard that David Haselhoff would be opening for him 8. DVD box set of [...]
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  Posted: October 20, 2009, 10:21am EDT
  

• Top 11 REAL reasons King Banaian is leaving NARN

  It has been announced that King Banaian, founding member of the Northern Alliance Radio Network, is ending the Final Word radio program on AM1280 the Patriot and starting a new show, Saturdays from 9 - 11 AM on sister station KYRC (AM 1570).Rumors are swirling about his motivations. Here are [...]
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  Posted: October 16, 2009, 4:59pm EDT
  

• Top 11Reasons St. Paul Mayor Chris Coleman Isn't Running for Governor

  11) Couldn't bear to challenge fellow "Brokeback Mayor" RT Rybak10) Already closed a deal with Norm to buy his old "Coleman for Senate" yard signs9) Concerned it would call into question the journalistic integrity of brother Nick's Twitter feed and lose him dozens of followers8) Most of campaign staff and' [...]
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  Posted: October 09, 2009, 1:05pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Accomplishments that Won President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize

  11. His election lowered the incidence of hate-filled profanity-laced rants on liberal blogs by over 75%10. He was responsible for Rio being awarded the first South American Olympics9. His domestic policies have reduced the income gap between the world’s richest country and the third world8. His brave inaction over corrupt [...]
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  Posted: October 09, 2009, 10:00am EDT
  

• Top 11 Discoveries By NASA's Spitzer Telescope

  11. A giant ring of space debris orbiting Saturn10. A giant ring of failure and McDonald's wrappers orbiting around Charlie Weis9. Dante's second ring of hell (lust) 8. A ring of hair around his shower drain7. His wife's wedding ring at a pawn shop6. A Beatles Revolution #9 ring tone [...]
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  Posted: October 07, 2009, 10:13pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Possible New Names If Rush Limbaugh Buys the St. Louis Rams

  11. St. Louis Hate 10. St. Louis Rush9. The St. Louis Hey-Did-You-Hear-He-Was-Briefly-Addicted-to-Oxycontins8. St. Louis Snerdleys 7. Excellence in St. Louis Football6. St. Louis Drivebys 5. St. Louis Dittoheads4. St. Louis Shock Jocks3. St. Louis Angry White Men (could impact their on field performance) 2. St. Louis Magic Negroes (that's what [...]
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  Posted: October 06, 2009, 2:53pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons The International Olympic Committee Rejected Chicago's Bid To Host The 2016 Olympics

  11. Required that the host nation be financially solvent10. Still angry over lack of prostitutes at the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics9. Refused to accept Obama's demand that ACORN have exclusive rights to manage prostitution at the 2016 games8. After listening to Obama's speeches for the last nine months, [...]
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  Posted: October 02, 2009, 2:43pm EDT
  

• Top 11 David Letterman Excuses for Having Affairs with Underlings

  11. He's gotta plead ignorance because he wasn't aware that that sort of thing was frowned upon when he started working at CBS.10. CBS kept cutting his staff’s salary and benefits and he felt he should do something special for them 9. Did it as a tribute to the late' [...]
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  Posted: October 02, 2009, 12:17pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Pick Up Lines Sisyphus Is Using in Las Vegas

  11) In my spare time I like to write withering and anonymous social commentary ..... in my underpants.10) You probably know me from my coverage of the Ramsey County Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor Elections.9) Would you like to come up to my room and see my City Pages Right [...]
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  Posted: September 24, 2009, 5:10pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons President Obama Appeared On David Letterman Last Night

  11. Has narrowed it down to Letterman and Al Franken for Rape Joke Czar10. Considering Larry Bud Melman as new Green Jobs Czar9. Worried that his health care plan wasn't getting enough exposure in the media 8. He'll go on any show that isn't on Fox7. Wanted to announce new' [...]
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  Posted: September 22, 2009, 5:01pm EDT
  

• Packer Fans' Status Alert Update

  [...]
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  Posted: September 20, 2009, 4:47pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Fashion Week Fashions

  As you know, this is fashion week in New York City. No need to go all the way to the Big Apple to find out what the smart set will be wearing in Spring 2010; here I present the top 11 fashions week fashions:11. The ingenious Snuggie makes its Fashion [...]
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  Posted: September 18, 2009, 10:40pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Insults of the President Allowed by the House of Representatives

  The Democrats controlling the House Rules committee have come out with guidelines for members on which insults of the President are and are not allowed. Here are the top 11 allowed insults:11. Twin Tower demolisher10. Dangerous right wing neocon extremist hate monger who wants to slow the growth in federal [...]
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  Posted: September 16, 2009, 1:05pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons Obama is Coming to the Target Center on Saturday to Promote His Health Care Reforms

  11) Wants to use the Timberwolves as an example of another dysfunctional, expensive, and under performing system10) Will emphasize no health care for illegal immigrants, unless Ricky Rubio comes here9) Will promise to finally find a cure for Michael Williams' plantar fasciitis8) Trying to piggy back on the success and' [...]
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  Posted: September 11, 2009, 5:17pm EDT
  

• On Teabagging

  EDITOR'S NOTE: As the sole remaining contributor to the Nihilist in Golf Pants Blog - the others having fled to more respectable digs - I have assumed the title of Editor in Chief. As such, I have relaxed the editorial standards so that I may make gratuitous reference to male' [...]
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  Posted: September 09, 2009, 1:46pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Other Names For Hugh Hewitt's New Premium Content Site

  Pundit and talk radio shock jock Hugh Hewitt has recently launched a premium content website called The Hughniverse. Here are the Top 11 other names that were considered for the site. 11. Hugh & Cry10. Behind the Khaki Dockers 9. Hughoogle8. Hugh Jazz 7. A Room with a Hugh6. Pay [...]
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  Posted: September 01, 2009, 4:45pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Words For Which Brett Favre Doesn't Know The Meaning

  In the linked clip, Brett Favre says that no one on the Vikings would use the word schism to describe the team's QB situation. Defensive lineman Jared Allen suggested that no one on the Vikings knows the meaning of that word.Therefore, we present the top 11 words for which Brett [...]
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  Posted: August 29, 2009, 4:06pm EDT
  

• Stick Her Face In Some Dough And Make Gorilla Cookies

  Earlier this week, I had the displeasure of trying to participate in our democratic process. Easily, the worst part of trying to join Senator Amy Klobuchar's Health Care Town Hall was surfing over to the Senator's official web site only to be greeted by this photo of Senator Klobuchar.I'll be' [...]
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  Posted: August 27, 2009, 9:40pm EDT
  

• Top Eleven Changes To The Health Care Reform Bill That Democrats Are Planning To Make It More Palatable To The American People

  11. Doctors required to perform mandatory reach arounds with all rectal exams 10. IRS agents will heretofore be prohibited from performing colonoscopies9. Drug company executives who run erectile dysfunction ads during sporting events to be water-boarded and sent to Guantanamo Bay 8. Promise to recruit only med students who resemble [...]
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  Posted: August 25, 2009, 2:29pm EDT
  

• Welcome To The Country Club

  Joe Klein reports at Time that The GOP Has Become a Party of Nihilists. No word on their choice of leg wear. Party on Joe. [...]
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  Posted: August 20, 2009, 10:54am EDT
  

• Viking Fans' Status Alert Level (With Bonus Flow Chart)

  Because the Nihilist in Golf Pants blog strives to be fair and balanced, we have also created a Viking Fan Status Alert. Though, I'm not sure of what use it is, since it hasn't changed in the last 40 years: If you're wondering how I, a mere blogger, was able' [...]
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  Posted: August 19, 2009, 1:06pm EDT
  

• Packer Fans’ Status Alert Level

  The last few days have been trying for our friends in the green and gold. Their former QB, Brett Favre, has joined the Vikings to win a Super Bowl for his ten year old daughter. To help us understand what Packer fans are going through as we progress through the [...]
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  Posted: August 19, 2009, 9:52am EDT
  

• Let the Drubbings Begin

  No, I’m not referring to the Vikings’ pre-season domination of the Indianapolis Colts. I’m referring to our favorite English Premier League football team, Arsenal. Not only did we win our opener, but we crushed – on the road, against our most hated rival. Power Line-backed Everton was routed by a [...]
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  Posted: August 15, 2009, 3:56pm EDT
  

• Separated At Birth

  The Democrats push to get a health care bill signed this fall. Sure, it would be nice to have debate on the subject and craft a carefully thought out plan. On the other hand, the President says it has to be done now, so we don't really have time to' [...]
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  Posted: August 14, 2009, 10:52pm EDT
  

• Guidelines For Your Town Hall Meeting

  Congresspersons and Senators have begun holding "town hall" meetings to discuss the Obama Healthcare bills that they will be voting on this fall. Conservatives have attended many of these so far. However, it concerns me that conservative activists might not be employing the proper tactics to make sure their voices [...]
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  Posted: August 14, 2009, 1:08pm EDT
  

• Here, Have Some of My Useless Crap

  They're spreading the wealth at Drinking Liberally tonight!Tomorrow night, August 6th, there will be a special VHS videotape giveaway sponsored by one of DL’s frequent attendees. He’s got about 250 videotape movies for which he now has DVDs and wants to give the tapes to his DL friends. He’s quite' [...]
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  Posted: August 06, 2009, 1:10pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Offers/Demands By Bill Clinton In Negotiation Freedom For The Two Female Journalists Held Hostage By North Korea

  11. Offered to print up some of those cool "socialism" posters, but with Kim Jong Il as the Joker10. Offered to send Al Gore for next round of talks if negotiations weren't quickly concluded9. Demanded to verify the women's identities by seeing them naked8. Offered Kim a cigar from his' [...]
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  Posted: August 04, 2009, 10:52pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons for the Resignation of Acting White House Cybersecurity Czar, Melissa Hathaway

  11. Hillary berates her for hours every time Bill finds a new way around the porn firewall10. Got tired of spending all of her time photoshopping Hawaiian birth certificates9. Every time she brings up prosecuting e-mail scammers, Obama insists on diplomatic talks with the Nigerian Ministers8. Inundated with spam from [...]
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  Posted: August 04, 2009, 10:42pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons Brett Favre Spurned The Vikings

  11. Street price for Vicodin way higher in Minneapolis than Green Bay10. Doesn't want to be associated with a state that would elect a clown to the U.S. Senate9. The only street Minneapolis was willing to rename after him was Dowling Avenue8. Angry that Colin Peterson refused to hold a' [...]
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  Posted: July 29, 2009, 10:34pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Things Likely to be Said When Obama, Gates and Crowley Meet Over Beers at the White House

  11) So, how long have you been a racist?10) Which do you cling more to, your guns or your religion?9) I'll open another beer for your mother!8) What do you have against dark beer Crowley?7) Do I want more pretzels? Why, because I'm a black man in America!?6) I just [...]
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  Posted: July 28, 2009, 7:02pm EDT
  

• Might As Well Face It, He's A Dick

  Since Preident Obama's press conference didn't go so well last night, I thought he might have more success if he put his healthcare plan to music. Robert Palmer's "Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor Doctor)" works nicely.A big summer fight is what Congress getsI'm gotta pass my healthcare yetI need [...]
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  Posted: July 23, 2009, 10:35pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Next Candidates Who Will Seek Positions Of Power In Papa John Kolstad's Wake

  Now that the Minneapolis City Republican Committee has endorsed Papa John Kolstad to run for mayor of Minneapolis, we expect it to start a new trend in politics. Here are the Top 11 Next Candidates Who Will Seek Positions Of Power In Papa John Kolstad's Wake. 11. David "Big Papi" [...]
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  Posted: July 23, 2009, 1:00pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Future Posts By Mitch Berg Of Things He's Supposed To Love But Can't Stand

  Over at Shot in the Dark, Mitch Berg has an on-going series of posts that have the title "Things I'm Supposed To Love But Can't Stand: ____" with the blank being filled with a different thing in each post. So far, Mitch's series includes such things as: - Single Malt [...]
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  Posted: July 22, 2009, 1:49am EDT
  

• He'll Fit Right In

  Nick "Non-Monkey" Coleman, October 2004:Bloggers are hobby hacks, the Internet version of the sad loners who used to listen to police radios in their bachelor apartments and think they were involved in the world.***Most bloggers are not fit to carry a reporter’s notebook.***Bloggers don’t know about anything that happened before [...]
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  Posted: July 21, 2009, 2:17pm EDT
  

• Top 11 People Who Would Be Worse Number 2 Hitters than Sisyphus

  I think the Nihilist was a little harsh on Sisyphus in that last post, possibly resulting in hurt feelings and future threats to reduce his blog output. In an effort to make the big guy feel a little better about himself, I offer the top 11 number 2 hitters worse [...]
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  Posted: July 20, 2009, 12:11pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Players Who Would Make A Worse Number 2 Hitter than Alexi Casilla

  So Mr. Negative (Sisyphus) is down on Ron Gardenhire for batting Alexi Casilla 2nd in what otherwise is a very potent order. Being a glass half full kind of guy, I prefer to look on the bright side. Here are a few people who would be worse.11. Carol Gardenhire (no [...]
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  Posted: July 19, 2009, 3:04pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Players Who Would Make A Better Number 2 Hitter than Alexi Casilla

  I am starting to get more than a little peaved with Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire’s insistence on batting the inept Alexi Casilla (.169 Avg. 8 Runs 5 RBIs) in the number two spot. In order to help the Twins out, I offer the top 11 players who would make [...]
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  Posted: July 18, 2009, 9:48pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Things Hugh Hewitt Really Was Doing In Kosovo

  11. Taping some ads for his new sponsor, Roger Schlesinger's Sharia Mortgage Minute10. Trying to recruit a ringer for his trivia team so he can finally beat the Fraters 9. Wanted a close-up look at a war Paul Wellstone supported8. Conducting research his new book "Painting Pristina Red" 7. Hugh [...]
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  Posted: July 17, 2009, 11:36am EDT
  

• Nihilist Fantasy Meets Reality

  From the Nihilist in Golf Pants, June 21, 2008 - Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune Plan to Exit Bankruptcy: 10) Start a new section devoted exclusively to news about Brett Favre joining the Vikings Star Tribune announcement, July 13, 208:With anticipation building for Brett Favre's formal arrival in [...]
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  Posted: July 16, 2009, 9:53pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Highlights of the Real-Time Audio Replay of the Apollo 11 Mission

  NASA is replaying the real-time audio of the Apollo 11 mission exactly 40 years after it happened. Being geeks, we’re listening to every second. But if you don’t have the time for that, here are the top 11 highlights:11. “What idiot meal planner decided to make the first night bean [...]
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  Posted: July 16, 2009, 4:00pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Questions Al Franken Will Ask Judge Sotomayor Today

  11. Can you briefly explain who you are and what my role here is supposed to be?10. As part of my research for a new piece for Playboy I need to ask: what do you like to wear under your robe? 9. Can a middle aged Jewish guy be as [...]
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  Posted: July 15, 2009, 10:55am EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons The Initial Obama Stimulus Package Has Failed To Revitalize The Economy

  11. Turns out abortions and contraceptives not as potent economic multipliers as Nancy Pelosi predicted10. Not enough money spent on arts cooperatives 9. Package too small to properly penetrate most sensitive stimulus areas8. Sarah Palin somehow stopped it from working7. Congress given far too much time to analyze and debate [...]
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  Posted: July 13, 2009, 5:28pm EDT
  

• Memories, Sweetened Thru The Ages Just Like Beer And Stale Popcorn

  The closing of Al's Bar yesterday after 83 years has my close circle of the alternative media abuzz. Atomizer awoke from his posting drought to discuss the past and the future of the corner of France Ave. and Excelsior Blvd., along with some personal introspection. Yesterday I had the opportunity [...]
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  Posted: July 12, 2009, 3:29pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Surprises At The Michael Jackson Memorial

  11. Kobe Bryant and Luke Walton perform heart-rending rendition of "Ebony & Ivory" 10. Sister Janet keeps her top on9. Scott Baio seated next to Margaret Thatcher8. President Obama remained in Russia, rather than returning home to the USA to raise Michael from the dead7. Slightly lower than usual price [...]
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  Posted: July 07, 2009, 9:38pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Senate Etiquette Faux Pas That Al Franken Will Commit As He Takes His Seat Today

  11. Squirting seltzer bottles on Senate floor 10. His "APPLAUSE" signs will clash with Senate decor 9. Throwing a pie in the face of the Sergeant at Arms and Doorkeeper8. Bringing a drummer to Senate floor to provide rim shots during debates7. Addressing Minority Leader as "big fat idiot" highly [...]
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  Posted: July 06, 2009, 12:30pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Star Tribune Headlines If Coleman Would Have Won the Disputed Recount

  The Minnesota Supreme Court ends the Minnesota election contest, effectively naming Al Franken the winner. The Star Tribune's front page headline reaction:At last, a second senator for MinnesotaThe exasperation is palpable. That pesky legal process and getting a fair hearing for disputes is sooooo annoying. At last, we get to [...]
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  Posted: July 01, 2009, 2:26pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons Mark Sanford Didn't Really Want To Be President Anyway

  11. Much easier to slip away from South Carolina state patrol for romantic rendezvous than the Secret Service 10. Got his eye on a zesty Chilean widow9. Wasn't looking forward to endless SNL skits on how he can see Argentina from his house8. It's actually unconstitutional for the President to' [...]
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  Posted: June 25, 2009, 4:06pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Potential Problems Leading to Fourth of July Embassy Party Invitations to the Iranians Being Rescinded

  11) Long beards constantly dangling in the potato salad10) After watching fireworks, Iranians begin long range bottle rocket development program9) Singing of "America the Beautiful" interrupted with chants of "Death to America"8) Horseshoes tournament ends with fatwa being declared against winning team7) Flags meant for waving used for burning6) Everyone [...]
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  Posted: June 24, 2009, 10:15pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Went To Argentina Instead Of Hiking

  11. Research for his upcoming role in the National Governor's Association presentation of Evita10. Wanted to see for himself what it looks like when a government REALLY intervenes and screws up the economy 9. He's a big Malbec guy 8. Conducting fundraising events among "unique" refugee community in Argentina 7. [...]
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  Posted: June 24, 2009, 10:46am EDT
  

• Top 11 Real Reasons South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford Mysteriously Disappeared To Hike The Appalachian Trail

  11. Looking for Bigfoot10. Publicity stunt for his cameo appearance on next season's premiere episode of Lost9. He's got four boys at home, can you blame him for wanting to get away? 8. Got a killer pair of boots on sale at REI and just had to try them out7. [...]
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  Posted: June 23, 2009, 2:31pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune Plan to Exit Bankruptcy

  According to the Star Tribune, the Star Tribune has filed plans to exit bankruptcy in the fall. Since we don't trust bankrupt organizations, we didn't bother to read the article. So here is our guess on the Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune plan to exit bankruptcy. 11) From [...]
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  Posted: June 22, 2009, 12:07am EDT
  

• Top 11 Bipartisan Resolutions Ron Paul Would Vote Against

  Ron Paul holds the distinction of being the only member of the House of Representatives to vote against a measure expressing support for democracy in Iraq. Here are some other bipartisan measures Ron Paul would have trouble supporting:11. Resolved: puppies are cute10. Resolved: ice cream tastes good9. Resolved: Abraham Lincoln [...]
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  Posted: June 19, 2009, 10:55pm EDT
  

• SAB: Barack Obama and Bud Selig

  What could Barack and Bud have in common? Well, they are both ultimately responsible a new type of transportation.Our President now runs Chrysler, which is introducing the 2010 "GEM Peapod," a car that may save the environment, but would certainly kill you in a crash. Not the mocking smile on [...]
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  Posted: June 18, 2009, 10:34pm EDT
  

• One Threw Over The Cuckoo's Nest

  We give up. So far we've resisted getting baited into the controversy that seems to have already dragged on forever. But our resistance has its limits and we've reached the point where we can hold out no longer. Since the talk in these parts is pretty much all-Favre all the [...]
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  Posted: June 18, 2009, 9:21pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Predicted Announcements at Timberwolves Press Conference This Afternoon

  11) Glen Taylor has removed himself as one of Kevin Love's followers on Twitter10) Kevin McHale is leaving to become chief negotiator for GM in dealings with the UAW9) During games next season, unused seats at Target Center will be made available to house former Guantanamo detainees8) Vowing to rebuild [...]
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  Posted: June 17, 2009, 12:55pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Places The Obama Administration Plans To Release Gitmo Detainees In Next

  11. Disney World 10. Temptation Island9. Las Vegas 8. Napa Valley 7. The International House of Pancakes6. Aspen5. Tijuana 4. Wisconsin Dells 3. The Hamptons2. The Playboy Mansion1. Crawford, Texas [...]
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  Posted: June 12, 2009, 3:11pm EDT
  

• CBS Mailbag

  MEMOTo: The Nihilist In Golf PantsFrom: Executive Production Team, The Late Show With David Letterman Mr. Pants:The legal team at The Late Show With David Letterman recently became aware that you and your co-bloggers have blatantly stolen the idea for our trademarked Late Show Top Ten List on your blog. [...]
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  Posted: June 11, 2009, 11:15pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Predicted Announcements During Pawlenty's Surprise 2:00 PM Press Conference

  11) Based on positive focus group feedback, changing his name to Tim Good N' Pawlenty10) In advance of MN State Supreme Court ruling, signing an executive order to immediately deport Al Franken to Nigeria9) Rolling out his new executive branch paperless office initiative: "No New Faxes".8) He'll be suiting up [...]
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  Posted: June 02, 2009, 2:59pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons Sonia Sotomayor Believes Her Background Makes Her A Better Judge Than White Males

  11. She can give taco kisses10. The controversial Jets v. Sharks case expected to reach the Court next year9. She actually understands the rules to cock-fighting 8. Still remembers the pain associated with the day "Chico and the Man" was cancelled7. Salsa is a far superior condiment to ketchup 6. [...]
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  Posted: May 29, 2009, 2:19pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons That Anti-Strib Is Closing Up Shop

  11. For some reason our culture has lost its appetite for irreverence 10. No one wants to look at pictures of hot chicks on the internet anymore9. They feel their efforts are being duplicated by the Claremont Review of Books8. Reached a tipping point when they had more contributors than [...]
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  Posted: May 22, 2009, 3:23pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Other Excuses Nancy Pelosi Has for Approving Water Boarding in 2002

  11) She was under the impression the CIA was talking about taking the prisoners surfing10) The CIA kidnapped her the night before and forced her to watch a "24" marathon9) She thought these were techniques being used ON the Bush Administration, not BY the Bush Administration8) Had her eyes on [...]
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  Posted: May 15, 2009, 1:12pm EDT
  

• Purple Favre

  To the tune of “Purple Rain”I never meant 2 cause u any sorrowI never meant 2 retire in the 1st placeI only wanted 2 see Ted Thompson cryingI only wanted 2 see u cheering for the Purple FavrePurple Favre, Purple FavrePurple Favre, Purple FavrePurple Favre, Purple FavreI only wanted 2 [...]
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  Posted: May 06, 2009, 1:07pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Other Pick-Up Lines That Would Lure John Edwards

  From the New York Daily News: [Elizabeth] Edwards told Winfrey how Hunter used a tawdry pick-up line to lure her husband. "What John said is that this woman spotted him in the hotel in which he was staying. He was meeting someone in the restaurant bar area and she verified with" [...]
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  Posted: May 05, 2009, 6:22pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Things the Obamas Did During Their Walk Behind the Shrubbery

  The Associated Press reports some disturbing news out of the White House regarding the First Couple:So they began walking on the driveway of the White House South Lawn while holding hands. First they passed the West Wing, then their children's swing set. They kept walking, swinging their hands together. There [...]
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  Posted: May 04, 2009, 6:12pm EDT
  

• Osterholm Hits The Panic Button

  The World Health Organization (WHO) on Monday raised the alert level for Dr. Michael Osterholm induced swine flu hysteria from phase 3 to 4, two levels below the declaration of a full pandemic. The elevated alert means there has been sustained human-to-human transmission of the Dr. Osterholm’s dire warnings and [...]
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  Posted: April 30, 2009, 11:34pm EDT
  

• In the Land of Liberals

  I happened to be flipping through the HBO channels and came across “In the Land of Women”, starring Seth from the O.C. and Meg Ryan. The scene I caught, between Meg Ryan’s character and her 10 or 11 year old daughter, epitomizes the Hollywood/liberal world view: Kid:I took twenty dollars [...]
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  Posted: April 30, 2009, 10:27pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons Arlen Specter Switched to the Democratic Party

  11. Felt that the Democrats' donkey was a more honest logo than the elephant.10. Robert Byrd is a very persuasive recruiter.9. Thinks he now has a shot at Scarlet Johanssen.8. Tired of having to pay income taxes every year.7. Obama promised to lay hands on him and cure his Hodgkin's [...]
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  Posted: April 29, 2009, 8:38am EDT
  

• Top 11 Upcoming Obama Administration Photo Ops

  11. Surprise gift of a gigantic mechanical lizard to the city of Tokyo10. Sending that guy who played Kumar to the Minnesota Vikings training facility saying he has a delivery for Percy Harvin 9. Japanese vintage air force acrobatic team performance over Pearl Harbor8. Joe Biden in an Easter Bunny [...]
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  Posted: April 28, 2009, 1:58pm EDT
  

• Now That Mary Ann Glendon Has Declined To Accept The Laetare Medal From Notre Dame, Top 11 Other "Deserving Recipients" The School is Considering

  [ Background ] 11. Nancy Pelosi 10. Kathleen Sebelius 9. Betty McCollum 8. Keith Ellison 7. Monica Lewinsky6. Margaret Sanger (posthumous) 5. Martin Luther (posthumous)4. Perez Hilton3. Bo 2. Joe Biden's hair implants1. Eve Ensler [...]
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  Posted: April 27, 2009, 3:36pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons Nihilist in Golf Pants was Screwed Out of The City Pages Best Blog in the Twin Cities Award for the Third Consecutive Year

  11. Failed to provide even one post telling readers where to get kick ass Oxacan tacos10. Wintryminx reminds CP editors of the girls who wouldn’t go out with them in High School 9. Learned Foot reminds CP editors of the guys who won’t go out with them now8. Due to [...]
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  Posted: April 24, 2009, 11:53am EDT
  

• Top 11 Things More Ridiculous Than The Uniforms The Red Sox Wore Yesterday

  Sorry. I got nothin'.SISYPHUS ADDS:King asked for it and we made it: Twins Drop Two to Green' [...]
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  Posted: April 23, 2009, 8:44pm EDT
  

• Atlas Shrugged – The Updated Hollywood Version

  Rumors have been flying that Hollywood is finally going to make a film version of Ayn Rand’s novel, “Atlas Shrugged”. Inexplicably, Rand fans have taken this as a sign that Hollywood is embracing free markets and individual liberty. Apparently, these folks don’t watch Hollywood movies. I have obtained a scene [...]
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  Posted: April 23, 2009, 9:29am EDT
  

• Top 11 Questions For Miss USA Contestants

  11. What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?10. What are those, D's?9. How do you resolve the contradictions inherent in the Augustinian just war doctrine and the coronation of Charlemagne by Pope Leo III? 8. What sacrifices are you prepared to order others to make in the' [...]
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  Posted: April 22, 2009, 10:33pm EDT
  

• Exposé: Infiltrating a Right-Wing Terrorist Compound

  Editor’s Note: The following was leaked to us by a source in the Department of Homeland Security. I’m sure you’ll be as chilled by what they’ve discovered as we were. Hopefully, the authorities will take down this dangerous terrorist cell with extreme prejudice, er, extreme legality. May God have mercy [...]
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  Posted: April 16, 2009, 12:43am EDT
  

• Top 11 Names Considered for the New Obama Dog before they Settled on “Bo”

  11. Bho10. D'oh! 9. Cooter8. Brokeback7. Ho (Chi Minh)6. Poll Fodder5. Jon Stewart (they already have a lap dog by that name)4. Prompter3. Mary Jo (after all, it is a Portuguese Water Dog given to them by Ted Kennedy)2. Canine One1. Hairy-Backed Swamp Developer' [...]
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  Posted: April 13, 2009, 1:16pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Other Obama Administration Ideas for Combating Global Warming

  11. Commission the creation of the worlds largest ice cube; dump it in the Pacific10. Make all the people on earth wear white year round.9. Send Gov. Schwarzeneggar back in time to kill John D. Rockerfeller's mother.8. Utilize a fleet of Zambonis to create new glaciers.7. A planet-sized gin and [...]
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  Posted: April 09, 2009, 4:28pm EDT
  

• Teach Your Children Well

  Article in the paper today about the detriments of over-praising children. Apparently telling shnookums he's a genius every time he lights a fart is a key ingredient in a recipe for an adulthood spent on a therapist's couch. Now, this is something quite a few people have already known for quite [...]
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  Posted: April 09, 2009, 9:15am EDT
  

• She May Be Crazy, But You're Brain Dead

  Oh cute. The Constipated Rage-Based community is circulating a "petition" to recall Michele Bachmann.Two problems with this:1. These online petitions have about as much influence on public policy and action as the Nihilist in Golf Pants has in battling Somali pirates.2. You can't recall federal office holders.Go ahead and sign' [...]
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  Posted: April 08, 2009, 3:26pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Comedy Characters Joining The Obama Administration

  This week we learned that Kumar of the films, "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" and "Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay" will be joining the Obama Administration.We are excited by this development, as it should increase the brainpower of the Obama Administration significantly. Hopefully the president will [...]
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  Posted: April 08, 2009, 8:59am EDT
  

• Draconian?

  Headline from AOL news: Rude Cell Phone Users Might Get Prison Time in IndiaWhat?! India? I mean I get as annoyed as anyone at the a-hole at Target who thinks I want to hear about the sloppy seconds he had at Delta House on Saturday night, but that doesn't mean I want' [...]
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  Posted: April 07, 2009, 6:59pm EDT
  

• Moron Mail Theater

  Ladies and gentlemen: meet Donna, the most dangerous woman in Minnesota:I had hoped to read a Star Tribune condemnation of Rep. Michele Bachmann's incitements to violence. Instead, we get a puff piece ("The Messenger," April 5) calling her "colorful."Bachmann wants Minnesotans "armed and dangerous." She wants people to "take 'our'" [...]
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  Posted: April 07, 2009, 1:21pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Languages President Obama Plans To Study After Brushing Up On His Austrian

  11. Canadian 10. Mexican 9 Brazilian 8. Belgian 7. Saudi Arabian 6. United Nationian 5. Antarctican 4. Scandinavian 3. Minnesotan 2. American 1. Australian [...]
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  Posted: April 07, 2009, 1:41am EDT
  

• Hooray for Winteryminx!

  She finally heeded the call of her fellow nihilists and posted something!Though, I must admit I had a hard time understanding it. Maybe if it were presented as an animated short, her post might make more sense.Yeah, that definitely helped.Also, our reader has elected Sisyphus to be this blog's next [...]
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  Posted: April 06, 2009, 1:33pm EDT
  

• Top Eleven Things The U.S. Is Also Not At War With

  11. Chris Brown. Just because Rihanna "doesn't know when to shut up" doesn't mean he wants to punch everyone.10. Vin Diesel's career; just because he sucks doesn't mean we won't pay 72.5 million to watch9. So You Think You Can Dance; just because one contestant raped 4 women doesn't mean' [...]
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  Posted: April 06, 2009, 10:50am EDT
  

• Top 11 Repercussions North Korea Will Suffer Because of its Missile Launch

  11. When President Obama meets Kim Jong Il, he will only give him a half-hearted partial bow10. Effective immediately, North Korea will be on Double Secret Probation9. Tina Fey will portray Kim Jong Il as a total ditz in future SNL skits8. North Korea will be the target of next [...]
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  Posted: April 06, 2009, 10:10am EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons A Malawi Court Rejected Madonna's Application To Adopt Chifundo "Mercy" James

  11. Afraid Madonna would give the kid a really goofy name10. Afraid that being around A-Rod would be a bad influence on the kid9. Madonna let slip that she planned to put the kid to work in her Indonesian sweat shop8. Her bribe to the judges consisted of an iPod [...]
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  Posted: April 04, 2009, 10:26pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Reasons Winteryminx Hasn't Posted Lately At NIGP

  11. She's been busy with extra work in the NIGP steno pool 10. Too busy stuffing the ballot box for NiGP in the City Pages "Best of" contest for Best Local Web Site and Best Villain 9a. Ever since Sisyphus started wearing shorts again, she has had trouble concentrating9b. Ever [...]
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  Posted: April 03, 2009, 2:25pm EDT
  

• WE R IN UR BASE KILLIN' ALL UR CEOs

  We here at NIGP World Headquarters have just received the following letter from the Treasury Department:Dear MR. PANTS:Our records indicate that you recently requested and received $9,585,164.77 from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). As you are aware, this money came with certain conditions which need to be met for [...]
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  Posted: April 03, 2009, 1:23pm EDT
  

• Top 11 Possible Explanations for Why The President of the United States Appeared to Bow Down Before the King of Saudi Arabia

  11. Staff placed the teleprompter too low10. Bowing his head in disappointment upon learning that there would be no bacon at brunch9. Always doubles over in laughter at the sight of a man in a dress8. Hoped that by bowing he could make up for diplomatic faux pas he committed [...]
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  Posted: April 03, 2009, 10:14am EDT
  

• Top 11 Words or Phrases that Sound Funny When Spoken by a Computer Generated Voice

  ...can be found here. [...]
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  Posted: April 02, 2009, 1:23pm EDT