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Daily Dollop

  • NONE TO GO!!

    Number of comments: 1
    You can probably guess how my morning went:

    1) Wake kids up at seven
    2) Drop kids off at seven ten with woman who will take them to school at seven fifty
    3) Go to airport
    4) Begin pestering desk personnel about whether or not the plane has landed
    [...]
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    Posted: November 17, 2009, 3:33pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Ten Down, ONE to Go

    Number of comments: 2
    Sunday dawned clear and cold, and I knew exactly two things: I was now 24 hours away from having Wifey back, and somebody was breathing on the back of my neck at 7:00 in the morning.

    I quickly came to the only logical conclusion (some kind of Freddy Kreuger/Jason [...]
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    Posted: November 16, 2009, 5:14pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Football, Math, and Cowards

    Number of comments: 2
    So everybody and his grandmother is piling on Bill Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th-and-2 from the Patriot's own 28. It's the "safe" attack in sports talk right now, like when you want to make fun of Mike Tyson for being a cannibal or Al Davis for being [...]
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    Posted: November 16, 2009, 4:18pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Nine Down, Two to Go

    Number of comments: 0
    I stare into the abyss, my soul a smoking ruin of what I thought it once was. I have transgressed every boundary, indulged in fiendish taboo, and done things which will haunt me the rest of my days. Truly, I have no need to search out any longer the heart [...]
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    Posted: November 14, 2009, 5:13pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Eight Down, Three to Go

    Number of comments: 0
    I think even the most casual of my blog readers would know that I'm all about safety. That's why when Wifey left last Friday, I gave her cell phone to the girl with strict instructions: if she became concerned or nervous, or found herself waiting for me with her brother [...]
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    Posted: November 13, 2009, 5:10pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Seven Down, Four to Go

    Number of comments: 0
    The children saved my life this morning.

    No, really! Typically I leave the house around 7:30, but owing to Wifey's prolonged vacation in hell, I have to wait until 7:55 to leave. Today, I had to wait tons of time in a traffic jam on the interstate on the' [...]
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    Posted: November 12, 2009, 3:59pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Six Down, Five to Go

    Number of comments: 0
    I am so screwed when Wifey gets back. And not in the good "she spent days strolling through erotic lingerie boutiques looking for things to please her adoring husband" way, but in the bad "I made the travel plans which have turned her life into a living hell" way.

    [...]
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    Posted: November 11, 2009, 3:54pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Five down, six to go

    Number of comments: 1
    Today, I vowed that regardless of what came to pass, there would be one goal at which I would surely succeed, regardless of cost or consequence: I would at long last cast off this thrice-damned cold, nasal drip and all.

    Having made this vow, though, I was unsure of [...]
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    Posted: November 10, 2009, 3:46pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Four down, 7 to go

    Number of comments: 0
    Do you know what the difference between mommies and daddies is?

    It's that mommies use a variety of psychological weapons (from guilt to threatening to the intricate bonds of love) to help make their children into fully functional adults. It takes many years, it's very tricky business, and it [...]
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    Posted: November 09, 2009, 4:22pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Three Down, Eight to Go

    Number of comments: 1
    When I awoke this morning, the only way that I knew that I hadn't been slaughtered by an errant poltergeist overnight was the feeling of cotton slowly swelling my groggy, befuddled head.

    Ye gods, what a night!

    I went to bed early because I was horrifically stuffy and' [...]
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    Posted: November 08, 2009, 4:31pm EST
    by Plebian

  • This is the End...of Day 2

    Number of comments: 0
    The kids are in bed. My head is throbbing. But I've reached the end of the second day of being without Wifey. Which, if you think about it, is really the first full day. But I digress...

    After I'd showered and shaved, I felt somewhat better. We went and [...]
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    Posted: November 07, 2009, 3:41pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Morning, day 2

    Number of comments: 0
    By my reckoning, I've spent over 120 nights away from home since we moved here, or about 1/3 of a year. Four whole months. On those nights Wifey is solely responsible for everything to do with putting the kids to bed, and then turning out the house, and then going' [...]
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    Posted: November 07, 2009, 3:43am EST
    by Plebian

  • One down, Ten to go

    Number of comments: 1
    And so, dear reader, we reach the end of day 1. The children are in bed, I'm sitting down at the computer, and Wifey's…well, I'm not so sure where Wifey is. Probably on a beach getting suntan oil rubbed on her back or something.

    Before she left, Wifey made' [...]
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    Posted: November 06, 2009, 3:45pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Home Alone

    Number of comments: 2
    Earlier this year, despite the gloomy economic climate and my general worthlessness as an employee, my company offered me a contract extension to remain overseas for a few more years, and I accepted. That evening, I came home and told Wifey the good news.

    "Guess what? I got a" [...]
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    Posted: November 06, 2009, 11:36am EST
    by Plebian

  • Back to normal

    Number of comments: 0
    Okay, so we're going to go back to the satire/humor angle I'm used to working, starting with the next post. That last one was kind of an aberration, see. It's not like I'm wise, or thoughtful, or even very bright.

    And for all those of you who have been [...]
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    Posted: November 06, 2009, 11:34am EST
    by Plebian

  • Rope a dope?

    Number of comments: 8
    So I'm reading American Lion, the biography of Andrew Jackson. As a Tennesseean, I have always loved Jackson. He's basically the only TN president worth a damn (the others are Johnson, famous for being impeached, and Polk, famous for, uh, having a name very close to a common meat product).
    [...]
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    Posted: November 05, 2009, 4:32pm EST
    by Plebian

  • So, yeah, it's been a while

    Number of comments: 0
    Yeah, yeah, I know; it's been a while. A long while. I've been rather swamped at work. On the one hand, this is a good thing: the whole global recession hasn't really impacted me at all. On the other hand, it pretty much killed off my blog.

    But, I' [...]
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    Posted: November 05, 2009, 4:29pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Through the Looking Glass

    Number of comments: 1
    While others waste their time conspiracy-mongering about the Obama birth certificate, a great and hideous cabal works its nefarious will to alter the United States in ways we cannot possibly imagine, spearheaded by the Republican arch villain Karl Rove.

    I speak, of course, about the ongoing efforts to sell [...]
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    Posted: July 22, 2009, 12:08am EDT
    by Plebian

  • The Real Civil War Analogy

    Number of comments: 1
    Some people think that Obama is the new Lincoln. Others think he's the second term of Jimmy Carter. They're both wrong.

    Barack Obama is serving the first term of George McClellan, Lincoln's do-nothing general who ran on the Democrat appeasement platform in 1864.

    The similarities don't stop [...]
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    Posted: June 19, 2009, 5:08pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • Attacks on Pirates Making Them Bolder, Study Says

    Number of comments: 0
    A non-partisan think tank, the Organization for Promoting Right-Wing Agendas (OPRA) today warned that recent counterattacks on pirates near the Horn of Africa could lead to "disastrous consequences" and would mean an escalation of pirate raids, not a decrease as some have suggested.

    "Shooting and killing pirates only makes" [...]
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    Posted: April 27, 2009, 5:35pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • Economic Freedom and the NFL

    Number of comments: 0
    The intertubes are all abuzz with the latest from the NFL, namely the coming shift to an 18-game season and dropping two preseason games. The consensus among sportswriters, their commenters, and drooling idiots (but I repeat myself) is something along these lines:

    "Good, because charging full price for preseason" [...]
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    Posted: March 26, 2009, 3:01pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • REVEALED: Obama is Rovian Plant!

    Number of comments: 0
    An explosive new expose set to publish next week will reveal that, far from the starry-eyed newcomer he poses as, Barack Obama is actually a Manchurian candidate cooked up by none other than longtime Conservative blackguard Karl Rove. While White House officials have scoffed at the allegations, some Democrats have [...]
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    Posted: March 16, 2009, 6:07pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • News from the Future

    Number of comments: 1
    (Note: Living as I do near the Hadron Collider, I expected strange things to occur once they'd fired that thing up. And lo and behold, I have started receiving e-mail updates of news from the future, just like that show Early Edition except with a lot bigger audience. So I'm [...]
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    Posted: March 03, 2009, 2:36pm EST
    by Plebian

  • News from the Future

    Number of comments: 0
    (Note: Living as I do near the Hadron Collider, I expected strange things to occur once they'd fired that thing up. And lo and behold, I have started receiving e-mail updates of news from the future, just like that show Early Edition except with a lot bigger audience. So I'm [...]
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    Posted: March 02, 2009, 2:36pm EST
    by Plebian

  • News from the Future

    Number of comments: 0
    (Note: Living as I do near the Hadron Collider, I expected strange things to occur once they'd fired that thing up. And lo and behold, I have started receiving e-mail updates of news from the future, just like that show Early Edition except with a lot bigger audience. So I'm [...]
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    Posted: February 18, 2009, 3:12pm EST
    by Plebian

  • A Night at the Ballet

    Number of comments: 6
    As the great philosopher Moe Scyzlack one said, "we're all pigs, Homer. The difference is that every once in a while you pick yourself up out of the muck, clean yourself off, and show your wife that you love her."

    With all due respect, Moe is an idiot.
    [...]
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    Posted: February 16, 2009, 3:23pm EST
    by Plebian

  • A Letter from the US Economy

    Number of comments: 1
    Dear US Populace,

    Though in the past I have never directly addressed you, preferring to act either via unseen methods (the so-called "invisible hands") or through sweater-clad proxies, I am taking the exceptional step of speaking directly to you, the US taxpayer, during this time of our joint crisis.
    [...]
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    Posted: February 05, 2009, 3:38pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Why Baseball is America's Sport

    Number of comments: 0
    While the unthinking cosmos turns in its splendor around us, and our national soul is rent asunder on the political stage, it is always comforting this time of year to know that we can turn our careworn eyes to sports to find ourselves reflected in its warming glow.

    But [...]
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    Posted: January 20, 2009, 4:54pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Cowboys to Build Second Locker Room

    Number of comments: 0
    Jerry Jones today hit back at growing rumors that the Dallas Cowboys sought to part ways with troublesome wide receiver Terrell Owens, saying that his organization "valued this great receiver and all of the contributions he can make on the field."

    However, the Quixotic owner announced that there would [...]
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    Posted: January 19, 2009, 4:48pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Fluffy Bunny Prices Soar

    Number of comments: 1
    European markets sagged today on news that the fluffy bunny shortage is expected to continue, with prices more than doubling to 55 euros/bunny on the German stock exchange. The move comes after the world's largest Fluffy Bunny exporter, Hamas, released a statement that their primary processing facility had been destroyed' [...]
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    Posted: January 08, 2009, 2:10pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Candidates Line Up for Illinois Election

    Number of comments: 1
    With Democratic leaders calling for indicted Illinois Governor Rod Blagovich to resign, it seems clear that a runoff election will soon be coming to the Land of Lincoln. As such, numerous would-be Governors are flooding the state with applications to make sure that they can get a shot at being [...]
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    Posted: December 09, 2008, 5:43pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Plebian and the Mysterious Missing Classmate

    Number of comments: 0
    I received the strangest call the other day. It was round about 7, and I was drying my daughter's hair, when the phone rang. Like a good homeowner, I answered it, and for my troubles I was met by static.

    After a few moments, I was able to' [...]
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    Posted: December 02, 2008, 1:23pm EST
    by Plebian

  • On Teenage Values

    Number of comments: 0
    Over the past forty years, some groups have gone to great pains to “liberate” women and convince them that they are equal to men in every way, most importantly by freeing them from ancient constraints on having liberal amounts of sex with any toothy metrosexual of their choosing.

    Naturally, [...]
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    Posted: December 01, 2008, 5:37pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Pleb the Builder!

    Number of comments: 0
    One of the chief disagreements that Wifey and I have had regarding our charming European home is the lighting in the living space on the ground floor. This common area houses both our living and our dining room, and in the past we have illuminated it via several Ikea pole [...]
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    Posted: November 24, 2008, 5:26pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Cultists, the NFL, and you

    Number of comments: 0
    Some people worry about foreign strife, while others are kept up at night by a tanking economy. But unlike such ephemeral concerns, the thing that worries me is that a current NFL personality will start up a cult of personality that will end up making the Manson Family look like [...]
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    Posted: November 20, 2008, 4:27pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Why I Love Toyota's 'Saved By Zero'

    Number of comments: 1
    And why you should, too. Let us count the ways:

    1) It's from a car company that's not begging for billions of dollars in tax money so it can continue to hemmorhage cash.

    2) Anything that keeps The Fixx off the streets is a good thing. It's been' [...]
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    Posted: November 18, 2008, 4:28pm EST
    by Plebian

  • IBMS: Oil Companies No Longer Evil

    Number of comments: 0
    The International Bureau of Moral Standards today announced that oil companies were no longer evil, owing the precipitous drop in oil prices, and that their executives would no longer be considered undesirable people and their profits considered excessive. They have instead been downgraded to “greedy”, in line with most other [...]
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    Posted: November 13, 2008, 5:41pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Political Dictionary

    Number of comments: 1
    Ageist: (??) This word has no apparent meaning.

    Candidate: (n) The least worst person from each political party who is put forward in an election. “I couldn’t decide if I thought the candidates this year were more pathetic than the ones in 2004 or not.”

    Columnist: (n) Someone [...]
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    Posted: November 13, 2008, 5:38pm EST
    by Plebian

  • McCain Eager to Return to Regular Job

    Number of comments: 0
    With the presidential campaign finally over, Republican nominee John McCain told reporters today that he is eager to return to his true job in the Senate, where he hopes to be able to pick up again right where he left off.

    "I love the Senate," said McCain in a [...]
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    Posted: November 06, 2008, 5:13pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Scientific Community Excommunicates Heretic

    Number of comments: 2

    Spokesmen for the UN's IPGM (International Panel on Giant Monsters) today announced that they had delivered their harshest sanction yet on a former internationally-renowned scientist who had begun to question their conclusions on Giant Monsters.

    Guy Renauld-Fourtier, spokesman for the IPGM, said in a press conference that "further dissent'" [...]

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    Posted: November 06, 2008, 5:11pm EST
    by Plebian

  • What's next for Ted Stevens?

    Number of comments: 0
    With a possible conviction hanging over his re-election, Ted Stevens may be persona non grata in most places. But at least one town in Alaska has already started a "Stevens for Mayor" drive, and said that regardless of his pending legal troubles he will always be welcome there.

    Stevensville, [...]
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    Posted: November 05, 2008, 6:25pm EST
    by Plebian

  • Early Election Polling Results

    Number of comments: 0
    Top-rated pollster John Zigby, who successfully predicted not only the 2004 George Bush victory but also accurately forecast Al Gore's ultimate eating problems, has released his early data from the 2008 presidential race.

    As expected, Obama is showing a commanding lead (70% or more) among starry-eyed youth, gun-toting lowlifes,' [...]
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    Posted: November 04, 2008, 7:55pm EST
    by Plebian

  • First Space Votes Make History

    Number of comments: 0
    In a historical first for any election, astronauts aboard the International Space Station today cast their ballots for president. The voting, widely hailed as "taking Democracy to the stars," went smoothly despite the obvious logistical problems attendant with taking votes from people thousands of miles away from their home states.
    [...]
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    Posted: November 04, 2008, 4:51pm EST
    by Plebian

  • The Fly Hunter

    Number of comments: 3
    I hate flies.

    What's more, I don't feel at all bad about it. I love all of God's creatures equally, and believe that they should be allowed to live in their own environmental niche without any provocation or torture beyond what is necessary to render them useful or tasty.[...]
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    Posted: October 31, 2008, 6:31pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • A Moral Delimma?

    Number of comments: 3
    Let's say you're on a crowded bus in a foreign country, waiting to be shuttled fifty meters over to the plane, when onto the bus steps a person who, you are quite certain, is a transvestite.

    How much staring is *too much*? I mean, can you take a [...]
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    Posted: October 30, 2008, 6:41pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • Editorial: McCain Should Concede

    Number of comments: 0
    [In the interest of early compliance with the reinstitution of the Fairness Doctrine, we are bringing you this special editorial from the New York Times.]

    On the eve of this historic presidential election, instead of focusing on the historic transformation of the United States from a racist backwater into [...]
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    Posted: October 27, 2008, 6:27pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • How I Lost My Jacket

    Number of comments: 1
    One of the most endearing things about Wifey is that she takes great pains to ensure that everyone in the family is always outfitted in clothing which is in good condition and adequate for the weather, yet never purchases anything new for herself without outside intervention.

    I once lost [...]
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    Posted: October 24, 2008, 4:45pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • Boring Math Stuff

    Number of comments: 3
    Mrs. Peel has a post on Monty Haul and how it doesn't apply to Deal or No Deal. It's boring math stuff, but is just the kind of thing I like. I understand and concur exactly with her conclusions.

    Now, here's the situation on DoND: you have picked [...]
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    Posted: October 22, 2008, 5:42pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • Wherein I Meet Someone Important

    Number of comments: 0
    Today on the bus in Rome, I met a very important personage: the Bahaman Ambassador to Europe. So while the rest of you were trying to break through your employer's adult content filter to download bootleg pictures of Scarlett Johansen kissing Penelope Cruz, I was hobnobbing with international movers and [...]
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    Posted: October 20, 2008, 5:37pm EDT
    by Plebian

  • What Not to Do

    Number of comments: 1
    Here's a piece of gastronomical advice: if you ever find yourself in Italy and suffering from intestinal distress, don't order the seafood kabobs.

    It only makes things worse.

    I'll spare you the gory details, other than to say that I have spent the entire flight in prayer [...]
     | Rate | Archive
    Posted: October 20, 2008, 5:36pm EDT
    by Plebian
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