Behold, Fairy Princess Princess Butterfly Cinderella Butterfly Princess!
[...]
Behold, Fairy Princess Princess Butterfly Cinderella Butterfly Princess!
[...]I've mentioned my deep distrust of Disney--and its sub-context of feminine enslavement--before, but for those of you deaf to my pleas this should help bring some clarity to my concerns.
Just one more reason to introduce Cheeky to Star Wars. At least THAT princess killed' [...]
My boy, Kevin of Always Home and Uncool, has asked me to post this as part of his effort to raise awareness in the blogosphere of juvenile myositis, a rare autoimmune disease his daughter was diagnosed with on this day seven years ago. The day also happens to be his wife's birthday. These are [...]
I kept thinking this as the second day of our pack 'n' move dawned last week. The first day was an amazing feat of disassembly. Before I'd finished shaking hands with the movers our walls were stripped' [...]
I'm frightened. Very, very frightened.
I think there's some genetic engineering going on around here. People aren't supposed to look like this.
Texas was supposed to be a thicker place. I was supposed to arrive as a svelte, attractive New Yorker, there to draw envy at my [...]
Every year a sorry list of bloggers get together to experience the crushing pain of losing to me in fantasy football, and this year is no exception. As a tradition I've aspired to live blog these drafts to expose the ignorance of the other participants and so amateurs can behold' [...]
My life of leisure came to a dramatic halt Thursday night.Â
Oodgie and Cheeky, who had been putting off their arrival after reading too many Austin weather reports, finally arrived. Fresh from a summer at the pool in NoFo, Oodgie looked like she could pose for Ebony magazine, [...]
Yee haw, partners! Y'all better watch yourselves...I got a hankerin' to redefine your definition of cute down there....
[...]Howdy, y'all!
CroutonBoy here, reporting from lovely downtown Austin, TX, where the temperature is a cool, brisk 105 degrees, and the sun sparkles off the faux glasses of hipsters and the crack pipes of the homeless.Â
It's been a whirlwind few weeks for the Crouton clan. Our family has' [...]
Posting will resume here at Cheeky's Hideaway in a few days once I stop sweating and gorging on airport food. In the meantime, you should note the debut of a unexpected but exciting literary talent. Emerging from the shadow of her hunky, charming, but barely literate husband, Oodgie has begun [...]
As a companion piece to the things about New York we're going to miss, here is a short but by no means complete list of things I WON'T miss about the city....the stuff that makes me want to gouge my eyes out and punch people in the back of [...]
I'm starting to get all misty about leaving New York now that the day is finally approaching. I've been compiling a list of all the things I'm going to miss about living here, and I keep thinking of new things every day. If you live here or are just visiting' [...]
So....big news here at Casa de Cheeky.
The CroutonClan is moving to Austin.
Some of you poor souls who follow me throughout the rest of the statusphere probably already knew that. The whole thing has had me so preoccupied and introspective that writing something more than [...]
FOUR? Are you kidding me? Four???? How the heck did you get so old?? Where did the time go? And yet here you are...funny, precious, exhausting, talkative, kind, energetic, annoying, beautiful, and perfect. All four years of you. Happy birthday, kiddo. Every day you expand my capacity for love.
[...]I wrote this for the boys over at Dadcentric, and am republishing it here because I can and you can't stop me. Check out the rest of their memories there, then take some time to call your father and wish him the best. Chances are that Brut (by' [...]
And here they are: the grand, time-wasting finale! These are the five songs that, since I was a wee lad in 1984, have stuck with me the most, brought me the most joy, and to this day still move me to sing, dance, and generally embarrass myself in public.
Now [...]
Hopefully you all were duly appreciative of how awesome my top 25 songs of the last 25 years started out. (I took remarkably little shit for it, which, considering the presence of Mr. Brooks, surprised me) I have to admit I keep second-guessing some of those picks (a top 30 [...]
A friend alerted me to the upcoming 25th Anniversary Issue of American Songwriter, in which they'll have a section on the best 25 songs of the last 25 years. They've apparently been conducting reader polls, contests, etc., to get everyone's feedback on what those 25 songs should be.
By now' [...]
My old pal Sparky over at Dirt & Noise, knowing full-well my dangerous and unhealthy love of fictional characters at the expense of real-life people, threw down the gauntlet (or, more accurately, a Tweetlet) and challenged me to a movie meme. Since I'm now entering year three of writer's [...]
I'm pretty sure I posted this for Mother's Day a few years ago, but it bears repeating.
I think this whole parenting this is getting a little easier.Â
For the first time in years I had Cheeky to myself for a weekend. No mommy, no grandma, no overpaid nanny ducking immigration. Just me, my daughter, and a copy of Disney's Cinderella on [...]
The other night I was out with a buddy of mine, a huge Yankees fan. As I worked my way through a Sierra Nevada he offered up this conversation starter.
"Your Mariners look like they've got a pretty good shot this year."
"Oh really?" said I.
"Yeah, so'" [...]
Barack Obama made several memos public recently outlining CIA techniques which could be construed as torture. The detail in the documents is eye-opening, as it performs some impressive legal acrobatics to justify certain methods of interrogation, many of which would get a thumbs up from Pol Pot.
There [...]
Getting laid off feels a little like vacation at first. You sleep in late, eat crap, and wear clothes that you probably should have thrown out in 1994.Â
You also find yourself constantly stressing out about why a recruiter you talked to 18 minutes ago hasn't called you' [...]
They say bad things come in threes. If so, I'm in trouble.
It's no secret that I'm a little clumsy but I'm hardly accident prone. In fact, I consider myself a relatively well-oiled specimen of unalloyed manhood, due largely to intense cowardice' [...]
I occasionally wonder how globalization would impact the Smurfs.
To their credit, they organized their society around an enlightened despot who encouraged diversification within the proletariat and judiciously diffused internal strife by encouraging everyone to smurf unto others as you would have them smurf unto you. In addition, the presence of [...]
There's a meme rolling around Facebook in which the BBC is accused of thinking that the average person has only read six of the one hundred books listed below. People are responding to it with the self-righteous indignation of Otto in A Fish Called Wanda,' [...]
I've got an idea for a new game show. I haven't quite finalized how to execute it (although who cares as long as I find the right washed-up comedian to host) but it goes something like this:
Contestants get to witness some of Cheeky's behavior and have' [...]
Remember when the Super Bowls were boring? For like a decade it seemed like Buffalo or Denver would impersonate the Washington Generals while an NFC team armed with chainsaws and mini-guns would obliterate them. But DAMN have we had some good ones lately, and 2009 was no exception.
We interrupt the laziness that has defined this blog of late for an urgent message regarding an insidious evil which threatens the very fabric of Western civilization.
I'm not talking about cyberterrorism or the apparently unkillable Tony Almeida. I'm talking about Disney.
Yes that Disney. The [...]
It's time once again to look back at the year that was, and hand out our annual awards to those things that made us go "hmmm" during the year. And there were a few, what with that whole election-thingy going on (Congratulations, Mr. Harper!) and [...]
There's a curious dark-side to the generosity of the holidays here in New York. Sure, New Yorkers are kinder and gentler than usual, but that masks a hidden stress that we all share this time of year. All these conveniences we enjoy here come at a [...]
There are some things in life that are just plain awesome. They require no explanation. We all know they are awesome. Any criticism of them is irrelevant and probably comes from a degenerate warthog.Â
Lightning falls into this category. So do explosions. And also [...]
I've been on a diet since last January, and I'm pleased to report that, despite many run-ins with rogue quesadillas and pale ales, I've actually managed to keep off a good 15-20 lbs since I first kicked carbs to the curb.
Tomorrow I predict I'll be starting over.Â
We're on [...]
Our parental anxiety was at its peak last week as we stepped into Cheeky's pre-school classroom. It was our first "parent-teacher conference," our preliminary exposure to the outside world's view of our child. Having forcefully removed a wailing Cheeky from my leg when I dropped her off at school [...]
For a couple with virtually no friends save three plants and a remote control, we’ve had a pretty nice run of social activities lately.
Instead of the usual evening ritual—two hours of disappointing television and ineffective attempts to use the Jedi mind trick to send Oodgie to bed early enough for me [...]
It's a brand new day, and I'm dancing like the Ewoks at the end of Jedi.
So NOW what the hell are we supposed to talk about?
[...]Some event or something important I'm supposed to take care of...can't seem to remember....
Oh yeah!
I don't care who you vote for as long as you vote.
Just don't be an idiot and vote for the wrong guy. Again.
Also, don't forget that we have a robust democracy, and [...]
It's hard to believe that this is the fourth year we've forced Cheeky to mimic some anthropomorphic character for a night of loud noises, fake blood, and sucrose-induced hysteria. It seems like just yesterday when she was a baby duck shoved helplessly into her exer-saucer, but the photographic evidence [...]
We thought we could have them both.
For three years we've bathed them, fed them, and cared for them. They've been part of the family.
But we feared that someday we couldn't afford them both.
We debated. We discussed. Must we choose? Is there another way? But in the end it was clear: [...]
I've been a bad poster again this week...I've got as much focus as Mr. Magoo in the Batcave. But since you bothered to click a link to come here take a moment to enjoy a peak through a keyhole into our social life.
See more funny videos at Funny or [...]
Dear Cheeky,
Remember how we went to the zoo this weekend? You took my hand and said, "You're my buddy, Daddy! Come with me, Buddy!" We looked at the giraffes, fed the goats, rode on the slide, and "flew" in the gondola. You were adorable, and it [...]
If you're a thoughtful, rational liberal you can be excused for being a little emotional and confused right now. You're used to having your candidate lose to people with different beliefs or questionable values. Things that seem logical and obvious to you are dismissed by [...]
Just before my freshman year in college I panicked. I had an engineering scholarship to Gonzaga, and started to freak out about the possibility of doing math for the rest of my life. I went back and forth with my adviser and parents on the [...]
My brother Michael has long suffered from a series of unfortunate events. He's been burned by fireworks, hit by cars, laid off, and even targeted by Iraqi militants. It should be no surprise, then, that when I found out he was getting married I [...]
Not so long ago I would look for any excuse to travel. I spent my late 20's on the road, jetting off to exotic locales like High Point, Paramus, and Flint. I'd use Saturday-night stay rules to tag extra excursions onto work [...]
Time's inexorable march forward continues, and as much as we've had moments in the last week where it felt like all time was suspended it turns out that the sun keeps coming up in the morning (at least for now) and if you don't water your plants they're gong [...]
Tragedy struck dear friends of ours on Tuesday. Cheeky's best friend Alex, who lives downstairs from us and has been a constant playmate for the last two years, died in a boating accident. She was 3 years old.
Oodgie and Alex's mom were close, having lived through the early travails [...]
Oodgie, you've outdone yourself!
What a GREAT birthday gift! Incredibly thoughtful. Seriously, it's PERFECT!
I HATE the crap that gets caught in our sink, and I hate the way the stupid sink-stopper randomly plugs the drain. Who wants to wash dishes by hand when the sink is [...]
A glance in the mirror can reveal a great deal.
You may grab a razor when you realize why people think you're a terrorist or porn star.
Or you may realize you drank too much last night.
The perpetually dazed and exhausted look on my face tells [...]
Remember a few weeks back when I mentioned I was working on a music mix highlighting 1982?
I was having a really hard time with it, because it was such a formative year in my musical appreciation. My original mix was 48 songs long, and I every time [...]
When Oodgie and I went looking for an apartment a few years back, we really lucked out.
We had originally planned on finding a nice two-bedroom place in Manhattan, but everything we saw was either too small or too grungy in our price-range. One person had covered every wall [...]
I think it was Metrodad who first alerted me to I Saw Your Nanny. For those of you not familiar with it, it's a site where people document bad nanny behavior they observe at local parks, playgrounds, etc., around New York City. Since I [...]
This weekend we celebrated Cheeky's third birthday. Balloons were purchased, children were present, snack mix was eaten, ice cream cake was left in the sun to melt. Invitations were extended to a small coterie of people who fit the description of "friends of Oodgie from college who had kids and [...]
I am sooooo juiced
for tomorrow morning.
After two insufferable years with the crappiest, most aggravating, poorly designed, useless piece of garbage phone in the history of telecommunications, I'm getting an iPhone.
I've been drooling over them for a year now, but Verizon's absurd contract [...]
Cheeky's birthday is coming up this weekend, and the Crouton family (the feminine portion, at least) is getting geared up for some major festivities. Cups, hats, banners, and god knows what else will all be lovingly assembled for a cacophony of Cheeky's "friends", who will in turn dump said preparations [...]
My clearest memories of Independence Day growing up--aside from lighting snakes on the driveway--was around the US Bicentennial in 1976. All the teachers in school were a-twitter about the significance ("200 years old!") and regaled us with tales of Paul Revere, [...]
Cheeky: Look, that's my new fool!
Me: Right, it's your new school. Can you say "school?" SK-OOL?
Cheeky: Fool!
Me: No, it's SK-OOL. School!
Cheeky: Right, daddy. Fool!
Me: Yeah. Fool. Whatever...
Some time later...
Me: What do you want to eat?
Cheeky: Um....I want some pfthert!
Me: Some what?
Cheeky: I want some pfthert, Daddy.
Me: Pfthert? What the [...]
By now you've probably figured out that our daily life is utterly boring. Writing about it would induce comas and beg comparisons to watching cars rust.
We tend to compensate for this by going overboard every once in a while with a freewheeling "Hey, let's drive to Washington DC [...]
Is there a more useless product on the planet than children's toothpaste?
Let's be honest; toothpaste is about as effective on a toddler as Wii Sports is on my tennis game. It gives the illusion of progress, but you're really just flailing about.
First, let's talk taste. [...]
Close your eyes and take a little journey with me. Relax, and let the scene unfold...
The time: way too early
The setting: the Crouton's bedroom
The mood: very, very sleepy
We see our heroes, nestled snuggly in bed, exhausted from an evening of aggressive sitting around. Spoiled by a child who [...]
it's amazing what we can accomplish when we're motivated.
It's amazing how motivating the prospect of four days trapped in your apartment can be.
Unlike every living biped on the planet, we didn't make plans to get away this weekend. While New York City emptied out like water through a strainer, [...]
I rushed into the school cafeteria, late, scanning the heads of the seated parents for Oodgie. It was our first "parent night" at Cheeky's new school, and work had kept me later than I'd planned. It was an important milestone and I wanted to be there [...]
(Cross-posted on DadCentric, 'cause it's just that funny to me)
[...]
There are many things I don't understand about my child.
I don't understand why she insists on going outside during monsoon season, but when the sun is out for the first time in two months she wants to lock us all inside for a Zingo [...]
OK, not really. In fact, you'll probably be pissed you followed that title to get here, only to realize I'm just plugging my new blog.
For some reason I felt that sporadic blogging here at Cheeky's Hideaway and the guilt I have for not blogging [...]
First off, I need to thank the lovely Weirdgirl, who nominated me for the prestigious and totally-without-compensation Excellent Blog Award. I've been a fan of her site and sense of humor for years, and, as Al Gore and Peter O'Toole can tell you (through clenched teeth) [...]
Do you ever wonder how people who talk incessantly do it? How it is they can continually be chatting about the most inane, pointless things, until their voice fades into background noise or you snap and crush their skulls with your bare hands? How they can be so unaware of [...]
In 1991, when I still had Mechanical Resonance and Long Cold Winter on heavy rotation in my CD player, a friend handed me a copy of Flood by They Might Be Giants. I had heard of them, but to me they resided in some fringe world of [...]
Remember that whole constipation thing? If not, scroll down. Remember now? OK, good. Anyway, so that's done. Over. Through. Kaput. We went from plugged to potty-trained overnight.
Never under-estimate the power of jelly beans and stickers to motivate a child. Interestingly, this strategy didn't work at all [...]
"You ever take a dump made you feel like you'd just slept for twelve hours?"
--Ricky Roma, Glengarry Glen Ross
Can someone please explain to me why anyone, no matter what age, would hold [...]
There's been a lot of talk around Casa de Cheeky as to whether this particular casa has outlived it's Cheeky-ness.
My deep personal loathing of suburban America has kept us comfortably nestled in our snug, $700/sq. ft. grassless abode, patiently reminding ourselves of how much our [...]
I really do have some juicy updates for y'all, but I've been busy fetching low-carb ketchup for Oodgie while her surgically-repaired foot heals. It's not easy being the only person in the house who is both mobile and focused enough to make it from one room to another without [...]
I don't often watch commercials, let alone rave about them. Up until a couple days ago, I could only remember laughing out loud twice at commercials: for Terry Tate, Office Linebacker and for Sprite's "Sun Fizz" ad. I swear to god, though, I nearly soiled myself at Tide's [...]
*click refresh*
hmmm...nothin'
*click refresh*
huh. Still nothin'
*click refresh*
Christ, when is there going to be some news on who won?
I've been watching the Democratic nomination contest it's like Sunday night during fantasy football season. I got used to having a primary or caucus every freakin' day, and now I [...]
I'm obviously a huge movie buff. In addition to obsessively quoting them and challenging anyone foolish enough to think they can top me at movie trivia, I also follow the weekend box office (cringing every time Nicholas Cage or Adam Sandler gets a #1 [...]
Before becoming a parent, nothing scared me more than the "activities." Not diapers, not sleepless nights, not Upromise accounts...nothing. Kids in crowds, chaotically running and screaming like spring breakers at Senor Frog's have as much appeal to me as sawing a linoleum knife between [...]
"Daddy, will you tell me a story?"
The big blue eyes looked up at me, while the ketchup-stained lips continued to smack away at their chicken fingers. Stories had recently become a part of meal time, and with Oodgie out of the room I was on the [...]
I sure didn't see that coming.
I squat right in the middle of Giant Nation, and across the board every Giant fan I talked to last week all had some variation on "we're just happy to be here" or "I just hope we don't lose by [...]
Not long after our triumphant return from Antigua Oodgie and I decided the bulbous, squishy parts of our bodies have to go. Months of feasting, carousing, and general abuse of our bodies have finally caught up with us--although you could argue that they caught [...]
Hey guys. How's my tan?
Don't answer that. "Tan" for me might be more accurately described as "parchment" or "Bavarian cream" color. But I'll take what I can get, at least as long as my skin no longer blinds passing birds.
What a trip! We had a spectacular time, living [...]
The week between Christmas and New Years is a dead zone on the calendar. My office, normally a reasonable (if unpleasant) subway ride away suddenly seemed like it was atop the Cliffs of Insanity. As a result I opted to spend the week "working [...]
It was a great, great, great year for music. My ravenous appetite for new tunes was matched only by the spectacular generosity of those fine pirates individuals who shared their music online and allowed little ol' me to "try it out." On top of it all, [...]
New Year's Day is a weird holiday. It has no religious or historical context. There aren't any unique celebrations; it shares it's traditions with it's more pugilistic cousin, St. Patrick's Day. If it weren't for the cringe-inducing appearance of Dick Clark at Time's Square we'd probably have no shared memory [...]
You don't know how lucky you are.
This is normally the time of year when I turn into Scrooge and start dissecting everything that drives me crazy about the holidays. I started a handful of blogs about the agony of Christmas shopping and the presents for Cheeky multiplying like [...]
I would remiss in not wishing a belated Happy Birthday to Oodgie, who turned thirt....ack.....ack.....can't.....breathe....*cough cough*
OK, she turned older on Friday. We went to Fuerzabruta to celebrate (German for "People on pulleys are COMING TO KILL YOU") and had an evening of adult conversation, a rarity at Casa de [...]
Psssst.
You there. Yeah, you.
It's me. Cheeky's Hideaway.
Have you noticed it's been sorta quite around here lately? I think CroutonBoy's brain took a long walk off a short pier or something. The lazy piece of shit hasn't been by in days.
Frankly, it's sorta pissing me off. [...]
On Thursday I went into the Duane-Reade on 40th and Madison looking for some cold medicine. I stepped over half-opened boxes of Christmas supplies and shimmied past the sad little greeting card section to get to the pharmacy, where I assumed most of the medicines would [...]
The writer's strike has left me in a bit of a lurch, as all of my original material has been outsourced to underpaid unionized labor for months now. The networks may be able to throw together reality programming like "The Amazing Race: Dancing with the Singing Biggest Loser Survivor [...]
