My Tabloids | Satire on the Mon

• Tiger: 473 women now claim affairs

  After recent revelations about just how many women Tiger Woods has apparently had affairs with, it “becomes clear” said one sports analyst, just why Woods had knee problems. “Let me just say this — it wasn’t the golf.” Said Jason Sandstrom. “Tiger’s ACL problems and his subsequent season-long layoff from the [...]
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  Posted: December 10, 2009, 7:57pm EST
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Women turned off by Tiger’s condom

  “Way too furry,” Said one. “And I didn’t like the way it looked at me.” [...]
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  Posted: December 08, 2009, 8:22pm EST
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Tiger picks up new endorsement

  Embattled golfer Tiger Woods, fearing that his marital infidelity might effect his earning power with major corporations such as Buick and Nike, has acted preemptively to take advantage of his current situation by signing on as the new spokesman for Comcast Voice Mail. “We’re excited to have Tiger on board,” Said [...]
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  Posted: December 03, 2009, 9:52am EST
  by mytabloids

• Tiger blames Caddy: “It pulls to the left.”

  Golfer Tiger Woods, denying rumors that his wife chased him down with a hybrid wood and “whacked him upside the head,” released a statement today saying the explanation for his early morning accident was with the vehicle. “As a golfer, I understand these things better than most. I believe the Escalade [...]
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  Posted: November 29, 2009, 4:53pm EST
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Obama to send troops to Dixie.

  In a startling leak from the White House, My Tabloids has learned that President Obama will scrap plans for an escalation of the war in Afghanistan and will instead invade South Carolina, Louisiana and Florida. According to an unnamed source, the President’s “war council” made an about-face after they realized that [...]
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  Posted: November 25, 2009, 4:59pm EST
  by mytabloids

• NEW POLL: Palin not qualified to give interviews

  In a newly released poll, over 87% of American’s answered “no,” when they were asked the statement, “Is Sarah Palin qualified to give an interview on any subject whatsoever?” [...]
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  Posted: November 17, 2009, 3:03pm EST
  by mytabloids

• Obama makes bold Afghan decision: Let Iraqis do the fighting!

  After great consternation and many weeks of high level meetings, President Barack Obama has decided on a bold course of action as related to the concurrent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. “Today I have decided to send forty-thousand Iraqis to Afghanistan to help fight that ongoing conflict. It’s a win-win for [...]
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  Posted: November 13, 2009, 3:36pm EST
  by mytabloids

• Roethlisberger digs “Breast Awareness Month.”

  Steelers QB “Big Ben” Roethlisberger was “totally stoked” when he heard that the NFL would be celebrating “Breast Awareness Month” by wearing pink ribbons, shoes and underwear. “Now this is something I can totally get behind,” Said Big Ben, with a wink. “I mean, I’m not into the pink stuff, but [...]
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  Posted: October 04, 2009, 9:25pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Letterman changes name to Worldwide Zippers

  David Letterman, who admitted he’s been regularly having sex with multiple young woman on this staff, has decided to change the name of his production company from Worldwide Pants to Worldwide Zippers. According to spokesperson Tiffany Amber D’Alessandro, it was an effort “To more accurately reflect the reality of this wonderfully [...]
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  Posted: October 03, 2009, 10:11pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Bush surprise Copenhagen visit: Makes case for Crawford

  Former President George W. Bush showed up in Copenhagen, Denmark today and made a strong case that the International Olympic Committee should consider Crawford, Texas as a “Damn fine place to hold them Summer ‘Lympics.” Bush contends that Crawford has most of the amenities that Rio, Madrid, Chicago and Hong Kong [...]
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  Posted: October 02, 2009, 9:17am EDT
  by mytabloids

• Synchronized swimming replaces “public option”

  After clearing having been outflanked by his political adversaries on the “public option” for a health care, President Obama has decided instead to concentrate on the Olympics. “This has got to be easier than dealing with Congress.” The President was overhead saying. “I am totally sick of that shit!” On October 2nd, [...]
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  Posted: September 29, 2009, 9:38pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• G20 Over: Pittsburgh returns to normal

  After having spent the last two months getting ready for the G20 Summit, and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars cleaning up the city for its debut on the world stage, Pittsburghers relaxed today and got back to “business as usual.” Looking out over the dismal post-apocalyptic landscape, Crafton resident Manny [...]
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  Posted: September 26, 2009, 5:04pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: G20 Attendees Agree on Soup!

  Calling it a “world altering conference” with “far reaching repercussions” the members of the G20 nations today closed their event and issued a “communique” in which they made the following statement. “We, the undersigned, agree that the tasty vegetable soup, served in the monumental “Bowl of Nations,” was excellent.” Little other [...]
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  Posted: September 25, 2009, 6:52pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Breaking! G20 Sonic Weapon Deployed

  A so-called “sonic weapon” has apparently been deployed in Pittsburgh, where the G20 Summit is underway today. The device is intended to disperse unruly crowds. There is, as of this moment, no clear report on whether it has been utilized or not. “The weapon was developed for the Army over the [...]
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  Posted: September 25, 2009, 12:35pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• G20 Protesters: Berating The Beans!

  Protesters at the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh ransacked a Boston Market restaurant on Thursday, breaking plate glass windows and raising havoc, but it apparently had nothing to do with the ills of globalizaton nor the use of genetically-modified crops. “We were just pissed because the green beans sucked.” Said protest leader [...]
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  Posted: September 25, 2009, 9:18am EDT
  by mytabloids

• Pittsburgh Pirates Use G20 To Intro New Team!

  In an attempt to turn their flagging fortunes around, baseball’s worst team today used the excitement of the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh as a spring board to introduce a completely new team, made up entirely of Burmese monks. “The chanting alone will be a big audience draw, I guarantee you!” Said [...]
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  Posted: September 24, 2009, 1:45pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• G20 Protesters Shun Pittsburgh

  According to reports coming to us from the just-opened G-20 Summit, most protesters are “staying away in droves.” “We’ll wait for a better city.” Said Larry Corrado, and organizer for People Against Lots of Stuff. “I mean, I’m not going to waste my time and energy in this backwater burgh. I’ll [...]
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  Posted: September 24, 2009, 1:36pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: All Pittsburgh employees fired for not going to work.

  Number of comments: 1
  Due to security restrictions imposed by the arrival of the G-20 Summit in Pittsburgh, most businesses in the “golden triangle,” found that their employees could not get to work today. “So we fired them all.” Said Chamber of Commerce President, Alan Blank, speaking for the business community “All of the business [...]
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  Posted: September 24, 2009, 7:43am EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: G20 Protesters Protest The Pirates

  A group calling itself, “Fans Against Failure” stormed PNC Park in Pittsburgh today, just days before the G20 Summit officially opens in that city. “We are hear to protest the most pathetic baseball team in history,” Said organizer Terry Blanchard. “No one should be forced to deal with a team that [...]
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  Posted: September 22, 2009, 8:39pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Obama calls for talks about talks that might lead to talks.

  In one of his most forceful speeches yet, President Obama today called on the Israelis and Palestinians to “start talking about talking about negotiating talks.” “Every President before me has failed to get you people together in any real way,” Said the President, “And I feel that now is my time [...]
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  Posted: September 22, 2009, 8:28pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Breaking: Pittsburgh will use Steelers to defend G20

  In a bold and unprecedented move, officials in Pittsburgh are confirming reports that they will employ the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive team to help protect delegates during the upcoming G20 Summit, though they are mum about what precise form the defense will take. “I’m not sure if we’ll run the dime or not” [...]
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  Posted: September 11, 2009, 4:47pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Wilson calls Obama a “Liar”

  In response, the President called Wilson a “Thuggish, toad-sucking Southern douche bag.” In moments, the two men were face-to-face and Congressional aides had to intervene. Overall, pundits gave Wilson points for “brevity” and Obama points for “color and alliteration.” “I thought the Pres really won this round.” Said West wing insider Charles [...]
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  Posted: September 09, 2009, 10:56pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Obama tell kids to “Channel their inner Commie”

  President Barack Obama spoke directly to millions of school children today, and, as had been expected by many on the Right, he went “off script” and suggested that, while “Studying is all well and good, following a well-crafted manifesto” is really the way to obtain success in the world. “You may [...]
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  Posted: September 08, 2009, 8:47pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Obama to finish “My Pet Goat”

  When former President George Bush was forced to curtail his reading of the classic “My Pet Goat,” many American schoolchildren were sorely disappointed. This week, Barack Obama will make up for that huge loss, when he speaks directly to the nation’s kids. “The President will indeed complete the last two exciting [...]
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  Posted: September 05, 2009, 7:57am EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Madoff dying of cancer. Will be released to Scotland.

  Swindler Bernard Madoff is apparently dying of cancer. US officials have decided that, due to his declining health, he will be flown to Lockerbie, Scotland to live out his final days in relative comfort amongst the most “compassionate people in the world.” “We think he’s paid enough for his crimes. After [...]
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  Posted: August 24, 2009, 1:13pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Obama caves on “public option,” clings to “free band-aids for all”

  While his proxy Senators are floating the idea that the so-called “public option” may be dropped from health care legislation, others made it clear this weekend that the President will never give in on his “core belief” that all citizens should have “free and complete access to band-aids throughout their [...]
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  Posted: August 17, 2009, 7:06am EDT
  by mytabloids

• Vick back: “Dog tired” after practice

  Michael Vick is back in the NFL, after serving almost two years of a sentence on a felony dog-fighting conviction. The former Atlanta Falcons QB has signed with the Philadelphia Eagles and claims that other than being “dog tired” after two-a-day practices, he’s “Anxious to take off the leash and sink [...]
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  Posted: August 14, 2009, 1:39pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Death Panels aimed at the “weak-minded.” GOP worried.

  While only a fiction, the GOP, dominated by addled-brained nitwits, are right to fear the establishment of “death panels,” which, if modeled after the Nazi’s, would lead to the euthanizing of “stupid, moronic and otherwise mentally weak-minded individuals.” “I wish they were true,” Said a Democratic Senator privately, “‘Cause I know [...]
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  Posted: August 14, 2009, 10:00am EDT
  by mytabloids

• “We’re gonna need a bigger rat hole” Pittsburghers gamble away their future

  In the first 18 hours of operation, the brand new Rivers Casino in Pittsburgh helped liberate 1.3 million dollars from local gamblers. “It was a really grand, grand opening.” Said Theresa Simcovich of Carnegie. “I took everything I had saved for my grand kids and just pissed it away on the [...]
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  Posted: August 10, 2009, 9:13pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Clinton “Still has it.” Hits on released journalists

  No sooner have former President Bill Clinton helped broker the release of two female journalist held by the North Koreans since March, than new information leaked out about a “party” on the returning flight. “Tell you what,” Said an unnamed source, who was on the plane, “I think this whole thing [...]
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  Posted: August 05, 2009, 8:21pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Dems extend “clunkers” to include GOP

  Democrats in the Senate say that since “Cash For Clunkers” has proven to been so successful, it might also be used to rid the nation of quite a few GOP lawmakers who have “overstayed their welcome and are running on empty.” “We’re adding some extra money to the new legislation,” said [...]
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  Posted: August 05, 2009, 8:09pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Obama, Gates & Crowley get totally wasted.

  What was meant to be just a “single beer” turned into “just one more” and then “one for the road” and then a “nightcap” this afternoon, and by the time the three men left the Beermeister Room at the White House, none of them could see straight. “The President was telling [...]
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  Posted: July 30, 2009, 6:54pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• BREAKING: Vick back in NFL. Under certain conditions…

  Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday and could play in regular season games as early as October. Goodell said the “conditions” included the following; Vick must learn to “sit, stay and not urinate inappropriately.” It’s that third one I’m most worried about.” Said Godell, privately. “If he [...]
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  Posted: July 27, 2009, 8:59pm EDT
  by mytabloids

• Is that a remote in your pocket? Big Ben chimes in.

  Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger admitted today that he “may have been confused by an “unfamiliar TV remote,” but he denied molesting or physically threatening Harrah’s hotel employee Andrea McNulty. “I couldn’t find the freakin’ mute button,” the Steelers QB said, in a brash and honest news conference, “And I asked [...]
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  Posted: July 24, 2009, 8:58pm EDT
  by mytabloids