Doswell Road crack salesman Desmond Figaro (left) is confident he can move a truckload of tubas he bought on a whim from a music supply warehouse in foreclosure.
“I can move some tubas!” says Figaro as he unloaded the last of the ancient, stained brass instruments [...]
“What did Tiger Woods do Saturday morning?”
“Got up early and did 9 holes!”
Doswell teen and former “Skankee Candle” joke monger Brad Ziffer has become the eminent authority on Tiger Woods jokes, much to his parent’s and friends’ disappointment and aggravation
“Listen to this one,” he said, “The [...]
NEWSFROMDOSWELL EXCLUSIVE: Plantation Road’s Morris Brownstone has taken it upon himself to break Virginia’s news story of a lifetime: the “Kaine-Gate” emails. Apparently either computer hackers, whistleblowers or just disgruntled staffers have released almost 160 megabytes of e-mails from within the hallowed halls of both the [...]
Doswell painter and handyman Oscar Weiner filed his 100th worker’s compensation claim this past Thursday, setting a United States’ record.
“I am humbled to file both this claim and my name with the Guinness Word Record folks to commemorate my 100th claim with the Commonwealth [...]
Several bags of discarded Sun Chips was the source of a fisticuffs that erupted in front of a 7-Eleven dumpster around 5 PM Tuesday.
A Sun Chips delivery guy was spotted by several 7-Eleven shoppers emptying three cardboard boxes of the snacks into the dumpster. Afterwards, nine people sat [...]
Patrick Henry High School bully and 3rd-string linebacker “Moose” Jenkins says parking lot beatings of Doswell 10th-grader Graham Stettinus will begin after school resumes following the Thanksgiving break after this photograph of him (left) surfaced in a brochure for a company called “Lavender and Lace”, [...] 
(Double-click the above slideshow to see the entire booklet)
I got a stamp for that!®
Verdon Road resident Fred Wallace was the first person in Doswell to receive the Federal Government’s Health Care Ration Stamp booklet, making him eligible for literally a dozen medical procedures.
“I sent my [...]
A body found by hunters in the Old Ridge Road area near the Little River claims it is not dead, according to Hanover County Assistant Coroner Merv Guilford.
“He told me when they brought him in that he wasn’t dead” claims Guilford, who was all [...]
Loveable boob Leon the Stop n’ Go stock boy yanked something serious in his left gluteus this past Wednesday while he performed his patented “Break down with Leon” move for spare change in the parking lot, just a dozen feet north of the notorious Doswell [...] 
Stating that he is sick and tired of the bad-mouthing that accompanies his profession, Independence Road resident and Professional Middleman Greg Warfield claims that since business is so bad and his reputation has been so impugned he is taking drastic action to restore his profession’s [...] 
Verdon Road resident and father of five giant eating machines Ward Maxwell had an unexpected thrill last Saturday when he discovered a lone Pop-Tart hidden behind some bags of pasta in the back of their pantry.
“It was uncanny,” claimed the somewhat impoverished dad, “I [...]
Doswell Blogger Dale Brumfield stopped at the local McDonald’s drive-thru window to get a large coffee Thursday morning and was appalled to see the drive-thru employee use his debit card to scrape underneath her talon thumbnail while waiting for the card to process.
“I almost heaved,” said Brumfield as [...]
Former President George W. Bush spoke at the 2nd bimonthly installment of the Doswell speaker’s consortium Sunday night and admitted to leaving the White House in disarray at his exit.
“I am not proud of some of the things I did,” Bush said just after [...]
Former Teman Road resident Paul Holdfield and his wife, Babs, are being extradited back to Doswell following their arrest in Tijuana, Mexico and charged with poisoning his boss, Mr. McAdams with a strychnine-laced lemon popover and dissolving his body in a sulphuric acid bath [...] Rotund Doswell gastronome and slow-moving health hazard Eric Waldbauer has verified that at yesterday’s doctor’s appointment a blood test confirmed that he literally is one Dippin Dot away from losing at least a foot to diabetes.
“My body is at a crossroads, health-wise,” reported the gouty, wheezing, morbidly unhealthy [...]
In response to the “massive” increase in traffic in Doswell (like pictured at left) due to the opening of Meadow Event park (including the “fat men in plaid dresses” event this past weekend that drew so much indignation from the Dixie Treat Trailer Park), the [...] 
Former Noel Road resident Billy Blanton says that back in 1959 his face was used as a model for both the Lipton Tea guy and the Sunday Comics pipe-cleaner-and-block-of-wood wizard Cappy Dick.
Doswell Bodybuilder with Multiple Shifting Moles Finally Agrees to Picture and Interview
Verdon Road housewife and mother of two youngsters Linda Westham has given up trying to find a tasteful female Halloween costume that does not make her and her daughter look like “Out-of-work $4 Disneyland metal-head groupie prostitutes”.Editor’s Note: In response to recent criticism that this blog caters too much to a small geographical readership, Newsfromdoswell is proud to run this commentary on a recent national news event, written by ex-magazine publisher and Ten-High Boulevard resident Eddie A. Poe
***ASTOUNDING NEWS BY EXPRESS, VIA FORT COLLINS! [...]
After years of studying restroom graffiti Social Researcher and Blanton Road resident Joseph Wallo has concluded that the requests, statements and accusations written inside truck stop bathrooms are generally inaccurate, biased and simply not true.
Furious Ten-High Boulevard resident Wally Kimball is going door-to-door in Doswell to get volunteers to form a posse to go after Richard Alford, who sold him his 1981 Buick Skylark (left) after CarMax refused to purchase it.
“I get my hands on that punk I’ll [...]
Flat Iron Road resident Freddy Tyler sat behind the wheel of the Whiting-Turner pickup truck behind the porta-johns, paralyzed in fear for forgetting exactly what he was supposed to drive back to the tool room to get on his first day on the job at the [...]
Did this man truly think this was a plan?
Bullfield Road resident Sherwin Willoughby now realizes that purchasing a Komodo Dragon for a pet in an insane effort to be “tough” was a horrifyingly stupid idea. “Most people get a Pit Bull, or a Great Dane when they want to project an aura of tough [...]
Pine Level Resident Mike Teague has come clean with the confession that he alone is responsible for scratching off strategic letters on the metal instruction plate on bathroom hand dryers all across the United States to change the meaning of the directions.
“It was me,” says [...]
By guest columnist Willie Pruitt
Halloween is always a mixed bag in Doswell. It’s hard to tell who is in costume and who isn’t (see the picture of Pine Level resident Larry Milton at left. Costume or not?) and we frequently get carloads of teenagers carted [...]
“We don’t talk trash – we embrace it.”
Pine Level resident Mark Gillespie has been reminiscing all day of his lovely trip to the dump yesterday.
“It was a most friendly and pleasant trip,” he says, looking up wistfully at the ceiling in his [...]
Doswell resident Dale Brumfield spoke for almost 6 hours at his most recent presentation and book signing at the Augusta County Friends of the Library near Fishersville, VA, prompting many of the attendees to doze, shift uncomfortably and, most noticeably, get up and leave.
“Now [...]
As his way of saying "thanks" for his help in landing the Henderson account, Teman Road resident and Account Representative Paul Holdfield Invited his boss Mr. McAdam over to dinner the other night after giving a “heads-up” to wife Babs.
“I left work a little early [...]
Promises to stear clear of the Doswell fart cloud
What's your funniest OMG moment? Send them in to the Newsfromdoswell News Van!Old Doswell Road resident Mike Coffman broke down and scraped his Bush-Quayle sticker from the bumper of his 1984 Crown Victoria, the last vestige left almost anywhere of that 1988 election year.
“It’s been a good one,” lamented Coffman as he wiped away the lingering glue fragments with a [...]
Foppish fatcats milling about (Left) did not resemble typical Benny’s fans
Saturday night Verdon Road resident Malcolm Whitehead drove around downtown Richmond for 30 minutes trying to find a parking space, then wondered why so many of Richmond’s more well-healed residents seemed to be so interested [...]
It seemed to be the cultural mis-match of the century on WTVR-channel 6’s “Battle of the Brains” yesterday when Doswell's Patrick Henry High School “Shuckers” went toe-to-toe with the “Silver Spoons” of Fagley Preparatory Academy in Fairfax in what was described by host Cheryl Miller [...] 
Verdon Road resident and tenured Randolph-Macon University Literature Professor Richard Lowery (Left, after the episode was over) was flabbergasted Tuesday by a McDonald’s employee’s admission of “here go your drank” when offering him his #13 Meal medium soda cup.
“I have rarely heard such bastardization [...]
The incident had it all, including the booze and the broads and the wailing sax in the background. Bullfield Road resident and local bully Mick van der Meer took it personally when a black Escalade rear-ended his F-250 in the parking lot of the Stop n’Go [...]
A fart cloud released sometime Wednesday near the front door of the Doswell post office shows no sign of dispersal, according to “nosewitnesses” who have passed through it.
Post office employee Emma Wilson says that everybody who comes inside has a “disgusted expression” or has [...]
Since Senator Mark Warner claimed he “had no idea” he was scheduled to speak at the Doswell Town Hall September 1, a man claiming to be from the future was instead the keynote speaker at a contentitious September meeting of the Doswell Ruritan club, held [...] It was going to be another fun summer day at Lake Anna for Doswell brother and sister Duane (age 9) and Nora (age 12) Lamb until a busload of physically disabled people from St. Anthony’s Rehabilitation Hospital in Stafford arrived and freaked the kids out.
“There was a guy [...]
A 4-day insurance seminar held at the La Quinta Conference Center in Virginia Beach was considered a modest success by most of the attendees, including Teman Road resident Wally Almarode (Left), who remarked that he had not intently studied so many inconsequential insurance-related bullet points in [...]
His whole life, needy Doswell resident Mark Zembower wanted to be on the radio, and when he was traveling to Norfolk, Virginia on I-64 to find the one dentist that accepted his insurance he got an idea. Once inside the Hampton-Roads tunnel – a tunnel already [...]
Bullfield Road resident Lisa Daugherty swiped her valued customer card yesterday in the Ashland Ukrops after a particularly large purchase and was disappointed to see she netted a total savings of 80 cents off a $265 purchase.
“This is yet another in a long line of disappointing savings from [...]
Low Tide? High Tide? Sunny? Warm? None of that matters if “Mama’s Family” is on!
Doswell blogger Dale Brumfield arrived in Hilton Head Island Saturday night only to discover a “Mama’s Family” marathon was on TV, canceling his plans with his family all day Sunday [...]
An idle complaint to Verizon from Flat Iron Road resident Wanda Obenschain that her cell service “sucked” resulted in a living nightmare for her and her family, culminating in the eventual arrest of the Verizon guy for hanging around outside her house.
Obenschain claims that [...]
Pleasant Level Drive resident Paul Holdfield was confronted by his boss Mr. MacAdam at 4:15 this afternoon as Holdfield was trying to discreetly leave.
“Leaving a little early, aren’t we Holdfield?” Mr. MacAdam asked in an accusatory tone when confronting the already nervous sales executive.
“I thought [...]
John Binghamton, Plantation Road resident and CEO of the recently bankrupt Richmond-based MegaTech LLC, rises at 4:30 AM every Thursday through Sunday to drive to the Ladysmith Flea market, hoping his prudent fiscal brand solution theories translate into thriving tube sock sales.Stating that her 1997 procedure was “a mistake”, Blanton Road resident Alice Beasley got her tonsil removal reversed at Regional Memorial Medical Center.
The donor tonsils came from a 7-year-old female brought in by her parents recently on an unrelated minor medical condition. Once the consent form was signed, [...]
For Ralph Walters Jr. (Left, at arrow) it was a lightning-like jolt of horrific surprise, followed by a lingering greasy, stroke-like sick realization when while standing at the front gate of the Magic Kingdom in Orlando it dawned on him that he left the entire [...] 55-year old Mt. Hope Road resident Willie Pruett “is sick of being sick” as he battles a particularly aggressive bout of Mad Cow disease after recovering from both swine and avian flus.
“I’m a medical anomaly,” he barked just before squealing in delight when his wife Peggy announced she [...]
Thanks to Newsfromdoswell’s story of August 2 regarding the clean-shaven Nate Walthington fearing he was not welcome in Ellwood Thompson’s Natural Foods Market in Richmond because he did not sport a beard, Ellwood Thompson’s Market has announced they will offer free clip-on beards and [...] 
Verdon Road resident Nate Walthington (left) drives longingly past Ellwood Thompson’s Natural Foods Market near Richmond’s Carytown almost every day, but is unsure if he would be allowed to shop there due to his beardless face and lack of little wire-frame glasses.
It was reported by Newsfromdoswell last Thursday that Doswell Crazy Man Roscoe was building terrorist-style bombs inside the shack where he has been squatting. The Richmond bomb squad raided the shack Friday morning and reported they found ammonium nitrate and sodium nitrate, common ingredients used in [...] 
Good morning! I said GOOD MORNING! Yea, that’s better! How’s your PMA? I said HOW’S YOUR PMA!? Mine is GREAT! Say it! Great! SAY IT!! GREAT!!
Verdon Road resident Malcolm Culver (left, in a lighter moment) says that when he received a piece of registered mail from the IRS claiming he underreported his 2006 income and now owed $24,657 in back taxes, penalties and interest he gladly got into his car [...] 
“Final Straw” was being accidentally compactedPontificating that it is no civilized way to order food, Doswell’s Morey Strickland has permanently sworn off drive-thru windows of all kinds, including banks and drug store prescription windows, and especially fast food.
“In my day when we ate out we dressed up, went to a respectable restaurant and [...]
North Teman Road resident and senior account executive Paul Holdfield (left) finally landed the elusive Henderson account last Thursday, ending years of attemps by lesser reps of his firm.
“I did it with grit, pluck, hard work and determination,” states the elated executive, as he [...]
The Doswell Stop N’ Go Mart has flown in the face of numerous international grocery sellers and bought the Richmond-based Ukrops grocery stores.
“It was time for the Stop N’ Go to go global in the snack food, beer and lottery ticket market,” sayd Ramud [...]
A major work slowdown in Janitorial services statewide has forced Flat Iron Road resident Harvey Kenney (DMV photo, left) to instead spend his days working as a heart surgeon.
“This economy sucks” Kenney stated through a surgeon’s operating mask as he cauterized a bleeder on [...]
North Telegraph Road resident Warren Kingsley drives his 1978 handicap-equipped panel van slowly in the pouring rain through Hanover County’s rural roads late after work as a night watchman at the Rock Quarry. Spotting something in the weeds to the right, he slows to a stop, [...]
“Soupy” is an unidentified mongrel breed brought into the Hanover SPCA almost a month ago. His coat is like wiry feathers, and he screams instead of barks. He bites, stings and scratches. The SPCA tried to put him down but he bounced back. He has [...]
“Biker Bob”, the stolen bicycle-riding mannequin that sat for years in front of Doswell’s Squashapenny Junction Antique Store, has shown up modeling vintage men’s wear for Cityfoundry.com.
“The lesson here is to never pick up a half-shaved, screeching and foaming hitchhiking cat, no matter how pathetic he or she may look.”
Blanton Road resident Billy Klein fell off a 30-ft extension ladder last March and unfortunately is now paralyzed from the waist up.
He says he plans to pursue a career in “Riverdance”.
[...]
In what seems to be an effort to return back to its “Old Coney” roots, Doswell-based theme park Kings Dominion apparently floated a false rumor of construction of a massive new roller coaster, only to then quietly announce when everyone was distracted that the [...]
Kids, however, think they must be poor
A recent impromptu visit to the local Dollar Tree at VCC proved to be a bonanza for Doswell Dad Morey Strickland, as he discovered discount oatmeal cream pies that he insists are “just as good as Little Debbies”.
“This is how [...]
Dixie Treat Trailer Court Pursuing Historical Designation
Preliminary paperwork has been filed to apply for application for a zoning variance after form ZD-27J/6 is approved by the county treasurer for board approval of a civil war battlefield to be built on the Dixie Treat Mobil Home Court property – the part [...]
Doswell blogger and minor celebrity Dale Brumfield does not wish ill will toward actor Karl Malden, but he is relieved Malden was the third in the latest Hollywood Death triumvirate, following the deaths of Michael Jackson and pitchman Billy Mays.
Brumfield has come out of hiding, comfortable in the fact that [...]
Doswell blogger Dale Brumfield fears that since celebrity deaths come in threes he will be the third, 50-year-old white male celebrity to die this week.
Hey people, stamp your hands!
Same guy or what? Doswell residents ponder mystery of local lunatic
Special: the blog Newsfromdoswell.com has struck a deal with Obama Administration Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton to get to ask the first question at the President's next press conference, tentatively scheduled in July, 2009.
Old Ridge Road resident Malcolm Rogers wandered around BJ’s Wholesale Club in Mechanicsville for over three hours after receiving a temporary membership card in the mail, then left with over $100 in nonsensical, worthless purchases.
Dixie Treat Mobile Home Court resident Thurman Brown returned home this past Saturday, just as his wife Maddy predicted, after being abducted by that smoke ring seen hovering over Doswell’s Kings Dominion theme park last weekend (above).
“Long County Nightmare is Over”
Dixie Treat Mobile Home Court resident Thurman Brown has not been seen since that mysterious smoke ring was seen floating over Kings Dominion in Doswell, leading his common-law wife Maddy to conclude he was abducted by the mysterious object (see video of the unidentified smoke [...] 
"The Martyrdom of St. Beauzeau"
“Red Letter Day for Doswell”; Art Gallery now needed to warehouse curious drawing (click on print for larger version)
A press release sent out by the Dixie Treat Archives announced the acquisition of a very famous old woodcut by a fellow they tell [...]
Jocelyn Testes-Harder “Got hardly anything right”
Doswell blogger Dale Brumfield dismisses Filthyrichmond’s Jocelyn’s account of their meeting last weekend as “folly”, noting that the foul-mouth woman “got none of it right”.
“While it is true I met Jocelyn downtown, what she failed to mention was that she [...]
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