Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

• "I'm Not A Hologram, Though I Am Crummy."

  Watch CBS Videos Online Wow... she's like the Jackie Robinson of women running for national office. Except, I guess, that Geraldine Ferraro was the first one, so she's more like the lesser-known but equally-talented Larry Doby of women running for... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 25, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• It's Pathetic When A Website of This Size Announces a Brief Hiatus, As If There Will Be Panic in The Streets Without the Announcement

  The Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL) Festival is hitting Austin this weekend. I might see some night shows (Butthole Surfers?), but right now I'm only definitely going to Stereolab, which actually isn't part of the festival. Right during peak traffic on... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 24, 2008, 7:00pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Environmentally Friendly

  Hello taxpayer bailout, goodbye student loan payments! Upon reading the following (personally, I thought a Toxic Mortgage was what the Toxic Avenger had to pay on his Toxic Condominium): If the problem is toxic mortgages then how come they... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 24, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Split-Screen

  They so smart their brains pushed the hair out! For those of you that would like to discuss the economy (and, judging from the frenzied reaction to my last economics post, that's at least 1.2 million of you), we... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 23, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Today's Massive Taxpayer Giveaway To The Super-Rich, Ostensibly to Cure the Economy, As Explained by 19th Century Characters

  Not bad for likenesses. Gilbert: Now. Would you care for me to read this to you or not? Sullivan: Where is it set? Gilbert: In the Sicilian mountains. Plenty of scope there for Gypsy music, one might suspect. Now,... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 22, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Music To Watch Their Texans Get Their Asses Kicked By

  At least their continued futility will be overshadowed by the Patriots getting their collective gonads blasted by the Dolphins(!). 1. What was the name of the cartoonist who did that style of animation in the mid-to-late 80s? 2. If anybody... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 21, 2008, 3:43pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Sir, I Don't Think You Deserve To Die Nor Do I Hope You Burn In Hell*

  1. Someone better goddamn well have Dr. Venckman on speed-dial. 2. I've been playing for the last hour! She canna take much more of this, Lieutenant! 3. "Did she just say 'what's a battle'?" "No, my friends, she said 'what's... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 19, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Many Reasons Why, Despite Tracking Polls And State-by-State Electoral Vote Counts, I Am Always Fearful About the Presidential Election

  All of these films made or will make more than zero dollars and all of the actors (and I use that term loosely when talking about somebody like Dane Cook or Matthew McConaughey, of course) in them are not starving... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 18, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Just a Few Reasons Why, Despite Tracking Polls And State-by-State Electoral Vote Counts, I Am Always Fearful About the Presidential Election

  All of these films made or will make more than zero dollars and all of the actors (and I use that term loosely when talking about somebody like Dane Cook or Matthew McConaughey, of course) in them are not starving... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 18, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• More Tales of Mango-Strawberry-Flavored Woe

  Man, I got nothing to hitch this to! Today's lesser-reported, breaking economic news: Government steps in again, bails out East Austin Shaved Ice Corporation (EASIC) with $380.72. ------------ WASHINGTON (AP) — The U.S. government stepped in Tuesday to rescue... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 17, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Organic

  I thought I've livejournal this thing up a bit and post tidbits as they become available (in other words, I have nothing and am in involuntary reaction mode only). No idea how long it's going to end up by... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 16, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• More Loco Than Cypress Hill, ZZ Top*, and the Loco-Motion Combined

  I'm glad that the hurricane came through, allowing me the perfect distraction to destroy the nation's financial markets and turn the captains of Republican industry, who normally call for fiscal restraint and personal responsibility, into children in line for... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 15, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Another HFPST Project: Anachronistic Approaches To Economic Crises

  1. Insist that the fundamentals of the economy are still strong: people are still using paper and nickel-plated currency in the form of bank notes backed by gold in Van Diemen's Land and the national pewter reserves housed in... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 15, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• More Loco Than Cypress Hill, ZZ Top*, and the Loco-Motion Combined

  I'm glad that the hurricane came through, allowing me the perfect distraction to destroy the nation's financial markets and turn the captains of Republican industry, who normally call for fiscal restraint and personal responsibility, into children in line for... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 14, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Captions for a Slightly Windy Texas Weekend

  Click on the thumbnail for a context-revealing picture! Leave your attempts or note your favorites in the comments! Get your motherfucking Coleman grill, econo-sized Dinty Moore beef stew, bottled water, and 48-pack of D batteries and head for the hills!... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 12, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Ike! Do Your Impression of David Caruso's Career!

  [sorry, no more picture, as it's out of range now] Hopefully the above, terrifying image will update and refresh; I'll check later. This guy has the best real-time coverage. This interactive map is probably the best. As usual, you can... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 11, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Local Man Employs Another Goddamned Simpsons Quote in Lieu of Commentary

  I hope you can read the blackboard, because for once I feel I finally have the perfect framegrab. I just thought that the McCain/Palin camp's ideas of shielding its principals from any sort of questions, seizing on absolutely nothing*... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 10, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• I'm Going To Use This Election As An Excuse To Beat Up the Irish

  What, exactly, are they independent of, again? In any event, it puts me in mind of this exchange: Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh, baby. Crowd: Hooray for snakes! Hooray for snakes! Quimby:... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 09, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• "I Been Home With the Flu All Day. You Can Stake Out My Toilet If You Want."

  When the polls get depressing and I can't even be roused to scan the bottom feeders for instances of "The Left" doing something, I take to searching out scenes (or trailers, if the studio wankers have purged YouTube of all... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 08, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Did What Now?

  SHUT UP ALREADY DAVID CASSIDY Sunday coupons: exegesis '08. 1. "Now You Can Make Romano's Macaroni Grill Restaurant Favorites At Home!" Sounds like you're shit outta luck, Romano's Macarino Grill Restaurant! Now all I need are the key ingredients... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 07, 2008, 5:23pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Non-Announcement

  You fucked up again, Ice. Q: What did the Japanese commander say to the dawdling, sandwich-eating pilot? A: Drop the hero and get with the Zero! This bad example of wordplay... I hesitate to even call it a riddle...... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 07, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• David Robinson Ha a Nightmare Last Night About Getting Schooled*

  Hakeem (I first knew him as Akeem) "The Dream" Olajuwon entered the Basketball Hall of Fame on Friday, along with longtime rival Patrick Ewing (fitting), Pat Riley (of course), Adrian Dantley (maybe), Cathy Rush (apparently a pioneering coach in... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 06, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• David Robinson Had a Nightmare Last Night About Getting Schooled*

  Hakeem (I first knew him as Akeem) "The Dream" Olajuwon entered the Basketball Hall of Fame on Friday, along with longtime rival Patrick Ewing (fitting), Pat Riley (of course), Adrian Dantley (maybe), Cathy Rush (apparently a pioneering coach in... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 06, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Maybe a Few Convention Photos Sprinked In

  If you don't like this weekly pictorial exercise in futility, you can also go down one post to participate in our McCain/Palin/GOP '08 slogan contest. Well, not so much a contest as a pathetic plea for audience par-tic-i-pa-tion. As for... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 05, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Slogan Contest For a Dying, Insulated, Shitty, Incompetent Political Party

  About four years ago, when I had non-comatose readers, we actually had a cracking contest to discover the 2004 Bush-Cheney re-election slogan; the winner was Scorpio's "Go ahead and vote if it will make you feel better." Other notables... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 04, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• White People So Crazy

  Man, this site is really a graveyard, isn't it? Well, I'll shamble on. There are a couple of fascinating things about this clip: first, it appears as if the 50something Robert Stack did his own acrobatics, unless there was some... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 03, 2008, 1:01am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Atlanta to Texarkana and Back in Twenty-Eight Hours?

  Because I have absolutely no interest in covering the pasty wake that is the Republican National Convention (conditions may change if and when somebody says something extraordinarily stupid and unscripted), it's time for a midweek wall of videos, headlined by... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 03, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Ah, The Irony That Is Was Labor Day

  In honor of bullet-point #2... The proliferation of reality shows and greenlit movie remakes during the recent writers' strike has made slightly humorous pop-culture criticism almost superfluous. Not to be outdone, one of the 1.3 major political parties... the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 02, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• The Base Can't Be Reasoned With, It Can't Be Bargained With...

  This is the part of the post where, if I could Photoshop, we'd have John McCain waking up in bed with the disembodied head of BFF Joe Lieberman (on second thought, try here)... -------------------------- HAGEN: Mr. Corleone is Johnny's... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 02, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Ah, The Irony That Is Labor Day

  In honor of bullet-point #2... The proliferation of reality shows and greenlit movie remakes during the recent writers' strike has made slightly humorous pop-culture criticism almost superfluous. Not to be outdone, one of the 1.3 major political parties... the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 01, 2008, 4:41pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Ah, The Irony That Is Labor Day

  In honor of bullet-point #2... The proliferation of reality shows and greenlit movie remakes during the recent writers' strike has made slightly humorous pop-culture criticism almost superfluous. Not to be outdone, one of the 1.3 major political parties... the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: September 01, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• There Are Managers At Jiffy Lube With More Responsibility

  If this is true, I guess we're all in on the "old enough to be her great-grandfather" jokes. And, if this is true, the selection process given the recent success of the Democratic convention could only be explained by the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 29, 2008, 11:08am EDT
  by Norbizness

• The Captain Drew a Red Mustache on Democracy!

  You've fucked us yet again, Captain! A rummy practice caption in the middle! 1. I think you're going to need some much tougher actin' than Tinactin on this one. 2. MacDonald advances the ball up the pitch... and... OH MY... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 29, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• "Next Nigga That Says Somethin' While I'm Talkin' Is Gettin' Shot"

  Ah shit, Baylor's getting beat down. Wait, why do I care? I'm just enjoying a random sampling of my favorite websites this evening, watching the last night of the convention by proxy through the places where the Mr. Robotos and... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 28, 2008, 8:39pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Something Happened While The Circus Elephants Were Eating the Bread

  The linked numbers will not contain footage of Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann yelling at each other, insomnia-curing transcripts of minor Democratic politicians' speeches, or Rick Astley. I swear. (1) Over the next two years I would discover how deeply... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 27, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Look On My Works, Ye Reactionary Gnats, and despair!

  Well, if you say so, Watchmen movie. One of the great concepts explored by The Watchmen was the extent to which Cold War paranoia fed into the archvillain's master plan SPOILER ALERT (in creating some sort of pandimensional psychic... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 26, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• This is the Gayest Convention Since Gayness Came to Gaytown

  * You know, I'd love to hear a bunch of aspirational, vague speeches from Democratic luminaries and politicians, appended with commentary from the same goddamned thirty network and cable-news jackasses in real time, for the next several days... but,... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 25, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• A Note For Remaining Clintonian Holdouts

  William Kristol, a man with more factual errors in his New York Times columns than nose-hairs, has a few words for you. Bart: [upon hearing that Lisa has to miss school with the mumps] No way, she's faking! If... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 24, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Smells Like Rotten Cabbage and Ass-Crack Up in Here, Up in Here

  The worst ever this week? I think so. I hesitate to even tell people to click on the thumbnails for a larger, context-revealing picture, because I'm not sure that would help. I do expect radical improvements from all two of... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 22, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• And We're Puttin' It On Wax... It's The New Economy!

  Four and three and two and one... Sultan of Brunei: rich Eldrick "Tiger" Woods: upper-middle class John and Cindy McCain: middle class [image from one of his incalculable number of houses taken from this heartwarming article] Some preppie jerk: lower-middle... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 21, 2008, 2:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Well Dip Me In Chocolate And Call Me a Frozen Banana

  I don't travel anywhere without my own personal dumbass! I guess that we can guess the theme of the Republican convention from its highly unsuccessful, carcinogenic dust-denying keynote speaker. Of course, they could probably save themselves the $2 million... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 21, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Well Dip Me In Chocolate And Call Me a Frozen Banana

  I don't travel anywhere without my own personal dumbass! I guess that we can guess the theme of the Republican convention from its highly unsuccessful, carcinogenic dust-denying keynote speaker. Of course, they could probably save themselves the $2 million... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 20, 2008, 7:00pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Mental Health Break

  In light of the possible, impending invasion of Poland by Russia (Who cares? Like any war has ever been started with a Polish incursion!), several inches of rain despoiling the natural beauty of Jacksonville, Florida, the selection of the bland,... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 20, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Getting Played Worse Than A Player Piano Owned by Gary Player

  Just looking for an excuse to use this picture... I appreciate the Democratic candidate's interrupting his exotic vacation to the Magellanic Clouds on a specially constructed star cruiser powered by small, first-time monetary donations to attend some sort of... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 19, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• I Turn To Shit, When You Comin' Home, I Can't Go On*

  Russian Envoy: The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward vessel. // American Envoy: Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up. // Russian UN Rep: Nyet! That's what we wanted you to think! June... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 18, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• New Generic Comment Macro That I Could Apply To About 82% of The Posts I See These Days on Left-Leaning Websites

  [BUMPED from mid-July and comments re-opened; I mean, come on, give me a fucking break. If you don't care to read this again, virgin captions are below.] This project endorsed by Mandela AND Gaddafi! AHEM: "Thanks for informing us that... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 15, 2008, 1:01am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Winner of the Tin Medal for Captioneering at the 2005 Blogger Games in Shitsville, Kentucky

  Start training now and you can attend the 2009 games, scheduled for two Cheeto-stained weeks in East Crudton, Idaho. We'll start with the basics: click on the thumbnail for a larger, context-revealing picture, and then try your own and/or praise... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 15, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• It's Solid Something, But Gold Is A Rather Unlikely Candidate

  May these shrill, nasal anthems of the early-to-mid 80s, impeccably choreographed by a mentally unstable Mongol warlord who traveled in time to be with us, ring throughout our streets and brains: 1. Fill in the blank: Matthew Wilder is obviously... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 14, 2008, 7:00pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Let's Hope He Doesn't Have His Father's Longevity

  I'm glad that Tropic Thunder is getting some positive buzz, proving once again that Ben Stiller is every bit the viable actor/writer/director since we laid eyes on him as a shifty Italian (or some other ethnicity) fixer in the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 14, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Pettier Than Richard and Kyle Petty Eating Petit Fours

  Lookit! It's American royalty! 1. While going in search of the rare Blackpublican, possessor of the magic hypothetical endorsement, I actually feel bad for William Kristol. He dutifully reprints elements from Powell’s shameless performance at the UN in his... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 14, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Let's Hope He Doesn't Have His Father's Longevity

  I'm glad that Tropic Thunder is getting some positive buzz, proving once again that Ben Stiller is every bit the viable actor/writer/director since we laid eyes on him as a shifty Italian (or some other ethnicity) fixer in the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 13, 2008, 10:00pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Let's Hope He Doesn't Have His Father's Longevity

  I'm glad that Tropic Thunder is getting some positive buzz, proving once again that Ben Stiller is every bit the viable actor/writer/director since we laid eyes on him as a shifty Italian (or some other ethnicity) fixer in the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 13, 2008, 8:00pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• I'll Stop Calling You Chief Wiggum When You Stop Using Simpsons Scripts Lampooning the Police as a Governance Manual

  I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!* It's hard to imagine that Michael Mukasey is still only the third worst Attorney General that's served this particular Administration, which places him as the fourth... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 13, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Here, There, and Everywhere

  I suspected that election season would lead to an increase in sightings, false or not, of my nefarious footprints as I seek to wrest control of the country from those who have restored it to debt-ridden. over-mortgaged, perpetually warring... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 12, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• It's a Foreign Policy Rebus

  Hey, if you want actual news, you kind of know where to go, don't you? On the plus side, Condi can finally unpack that dusty dissertation and put it to good use! You're shit outta luck now, Brezhnev! P.S. A... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 11, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Hide Your Mamas in Scientology Heaven! Big Brother Is Comin'!

  Isaac Lee Hayes, Jr., composer of Soul Man and Shaft, who led the Black Israelites into the promised land as Black Moses, and confectioner extraordinaire with his salty chocolate balls, 1942-2008: Hopefully he will be playing foosball with Otis Redding,... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 10, 2008, 4:47pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• All the Captions Will Be About Brett Favre!

  Don't worry, I'm not ESPN and I hate hearing about that fucking indecisive yokel as much as the next person. At least things will calm down now that he's safely tucked away in a media-sparse bumpkin-town like New York. Click... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 08, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• If You're Among The Very DeYoung At Heart

  I think there's a theme to my universally ignored Hollywood Squares/Youtube random music video wall this week, but I'm not sure what it is. Actually, I am. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. ________________________________ 1. Back in... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 07, 2008, 10:00pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• I Can Start Sleeping Without the Shotgun Under My Pillow

  As of August 6, 2008, the seventh anniversary of the Presidential Daily Briefing that was apparently used as a cocktail napkin, we have once again made utterly safe as a nation with: (1) the conviction of Osama bin Laden's... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 07, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Times Are Tough All Over

  If I could only live to see it, to be there with you. What I wouldn't give for twenty more years! Here we are, protected, free to make our profits in partnership with a friendly government. Just one small... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 06, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Everybody Loves Being Linked

  "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets reactionary blogosphere at dawn looking for an angry fix." Seriously, this is like leaving a discussion about Antonioni with... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 05, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Terror At Thirty-Five Pounds Per Square Inch

  Merde! About three weeks ago, I was filling up at a local station when I noticed that my front tires were running a little low on air. I was about to hand a dollar to the cashier for quarters... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 04, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Choose Your Own Adventure

  In light of today's unusual events in the anthrax case and the self-congratulatory propaganda it engendered, I thought we'd try a "summarize seven years of law enforcement futility, including trying to pin this on foreign nationals only to have... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 02, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Maybe I Should Have Used An "Insanely Loud" Warning For That Styx Video

  But can Styx ever truly be too loud? Oh shit, here come the captions... 1. Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, might have been lied when he said he was fixed. 2. "We're goin' highbrow this time around: 'Godot's not here,... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: August 01, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• I Can Hear Your Fuckin' Wall of Youtube Videos, Ya Stupid Shit!*

  All random! With cheeky comments! ----------------- 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. ----------------- 1. If you can't mellow out just a little bit after listening to this song, then you may need to seek the consultation of... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 31, 2008, 1:01am EDT
  by Norbizness

• It's Like Hollywood Snorted All Of The Prop-Cocaine In The Warehouse Where Clarence Boddicker Got Arrested

  Ooo... guns, guns, guns! Remake/reboot/reimagineering fever continues unabated in Hollywood. My last batch of listed atrocities didn't include any movies that I considered untouchable or indispensable, but time changes everything: There's recently been a lot of talk that MGM's... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 31, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• We Don't Hear a Word You're Sayin'... Only The Echoes Of Our Minds

  Whoopsie-daisy! Considering my last post, this may seem like rank hypocrisy. In fact, it is a little smelly, but not quite rank. However, one rarely finds expects to find an op-ed perfectly encapsulating the hang-ups of GOP dead-enders... penned... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 30, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Two Additional Visual Thoughts On My Grand Unified Theory Of Not Giving Online Reactionary Cranks Free Publicity/Hits

  I think this was a Clear Channel-type promotion, because I saw a similar sign in San Antonio. Do the advertisers know that you, as a good liberal, are only listening ironically or to be ginned up into a state of... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 29, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• GOP Governance: Two Nuts in a Nutshell

  America's salty tears are delicious! I once attributed the sort of epic corruption and mismanagement detailed below to the "Republicans say government doesn't work, and then go about proving it" paradigm. However, this erroneously suggested some sort of ideological... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 28, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Ageism-Enabling, Body-Shaming, Rodent-Eating Captionological Bullshit

  Hey, hey, what can I do? They're both mediocre AND insulting, although the amount of time searching for pictures was greatly reduced by the ongoing Comic-Con festivities. Click on a thumbnail for a larger, context-revealing picture, and attempt your own... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 25, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• A Better Class of Wall of Music Videos

  I'm usin' the big jukebox (bloated with 35,000 songs, probably only half of which I've ever heard), set on random! The rules, self-imposed and unimportant, are that the first nine songs with actual video/live performance footage get plastered on here,... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 24, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Jeez Louise

  I certainly hope that any anyone from Corpus to Matamoros is battened down tight or at a shelter, if they haven't already left for San Antonio. This behemoth is only moving at about 5 miles per hour as I... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 23, 2008, 12:54pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Follow-Up To Yesterday's Insanely Popular Post

  Next time, call in a professional editor like Thelma Schoonmaker. I can't do any better than Mr. Show and sad cartoon kitten pictures, people. In any event, this story really deserves its own post, especially considering that CBS seems... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 23, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• There's a "New" Mexico?

  [Click for larger size options, you cartographic geeks! How about the 'Duchy of Mecklenburg'? That linebacker from the Denver Broncos I used to play on Tecmo Bowl? That sounds almost as made up as Turkmenistan or U-are-gay!] Yes, yes,... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 22, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• New Generic Comment Macro That I Could Apply To About 82% of The Posts I See These Days on Left-Leaning Websites

  This project endorsed by Mandela AND Gaddafi! AHEM: "Thanks for informing us that crazy, stupid and reactionary people sure seem to write crazy, stupid and reactionary things! You know, it's a funny thing. If that crazy, stupid and reactionary... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 21, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Evidently the Key To Long Life is Shitty South African Prison Food

  (audience hisses) Shut up, you stupid audience, and click on the thumbnails for a larger, context-revealing picture. I SAID SHUT YR PIEHOLES! 1. Does your Emperor Tamarin monkey have the diabeetus? 2. All this international tension, just to develop the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 18, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Thoughts on Timecop and Remakes, But Not Remakes of Timecop*

  Lezzee Shia LaBeouf flash hees ballsac! I'm surprised that nobody asked 2004-Van Damme if he was growing the "Brussels Waterfall" Euro-mullet so that he might more easily blend in on his numerous trips to 1994-Earth. I mean, just to... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 17, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• All Together in the Same Place For the First and Only Time

  I already told you 482 times that it's random! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 1. Don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue. 2. Couldn't somebody have given Lou Gramm a bandanna or something? Sadly, his sartorial choice... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 17, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Thoughts on Timecop and Remakes, But Not Remakes of Timecop*

  Lezzee Shia LaBeouf flash hees ballsac! I'm surprised that nobody asked 2004-Van Damme if he was growing the "Brussels Waterfall" Euro-mullet so that he might more easily blend in on his numerous trips to 1994-Earth. I mean, just to... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 16, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Captionological Decalogue of Mild Groans

  Click on the thumbnail for a larger, context-revealing photograph. Try your own, tell me your favorites. #7 or #10 is mine, thanks largely in part to the pictures themselves. 1. The Turkish James Bond always seems to get stiffed on... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 11, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Nobody Cares If I Pile On

  I loved you in Get a Life, not so much now! (Item 2) Combined with the FISA capitulation occurring today/yesterday, the following items should go a little ways in explaining why (1) Congress has a single-digit approval rating and... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 10, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Williamson! Put Me On The Board! Put Me On The Cadillac Board!

  Bush, 2007: We are there at the invitation of the Iraqi government. This is a sovereign nation. Twelve million people went to the polls to approve a constitution. It’s their government’s choice. If they were to say, leave, we... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 09, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• I Could Carve a Better Presidential Candidate Out of a Mango

  Children are so fat today! Isn't there some way we could make money off that? I know that criticizing Republican economic proposals (especially those made in the heat of campaigning) on the grounds of unsoundness and stupidity is kind... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 08, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Behold The Horrors of the Slanty Foreign Policy!

  Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as 'Mothballing Your Battleship,' and 'Dig Your Own Grave and Save!' Now over the next six hours I'll be taking you through the 'dos' and... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 07, 2008, 1:01am EDT
  by Norbizness

• It Seems As If They Did Take Back Joe Piscopo

  As for the center square, when did the California Raisins get so fuckin' militant? As for Tom Petty, what exactly did he have against Vanessa Redgrave? Was he upset that she was only semi-topless in Blow Up? As for Davy... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 07, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Blow It Out Your Ass, America, It's Caption-Time

  My brother's dog wishes everyone one of you seven people a Happy Independence Day weekend; if you want to see her in her full patriotic glory, click here. Also, in the off-chance that you live in the Houston area... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 04, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• The Life-Death Cycle of Blogs in Exactly 40 Words

  Hey, blogosphere, what's up? Stupid people with whom I disagree write stupid things. I agree with this. This happened. Check this out! This is outrageous! Why aren't more people outraged? Please clutter the comments with your personal anecdotes. I'm... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 03, 2008, 1:01am EDT
  by Norbizness

• I'll Bet He Wishes That Tank Was Filled With Clear, Refreshing Gin

  Goddamn you, A.A.! This ain't right! in light of Christopher Hitchens' recent personal experience with waterboarding, presumably without which he would have been unable to pronounce the practice torture (even though every military expert calls it as such, as... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 03, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• They Work Hard for the Money, So Hard For It Honey

  What will the future bring? I don't know why I'm riffing on a show that regularly gets one-tenth the viewership of bad ultimate fighting matches on Spike TV and one-sixth the viewership of a Sanford & Son re-run on... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 02, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Jack Pardee is a Shitty Campaign Role Model

  UPDATE: Found something for the 18-yard pass from Reich to Reid (making the score 35-31); it sure doesn't take this campaign long, does it? UPDATE II: Fine, I guess everyone likes the long, humorless, non-metaphorical version anyway. "The only thing... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: July 01, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Chronological, Gapped Videography

  1991 1994 1996 1997 1998-2007(?) 2008 New album out in August, see you and them at La Zona Rosa in late September. var site="s14norbizness"... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 30, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Has My Daughter's Saxophone!

  The new Coalition of the Willing? Kent: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism cosmetic blights such as graffiti unpainted schools are down eighty percent, while heavy sack-beatings sectarian violence and regional instability are... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 29, 2008, 12:14pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Do I Hear "88.89% Crap"?

  "Oh, come on, Edna. We both know these children have no future in captioning!" 1. Employees are disincentivized from leaving early from work by the prospect of the building collapsing, Jenga-style. 2. ¿Patricio Buchanan? ¡Mierda! 3. All told, they have... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 27, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• [Gr. without god; 'a priv. + god: cf. F. athéiste.]

  Rather than actually spend time trying to dissect the Pew Religious Survey with advanced statistical models that I'm not even aware of I thought I'd let smarmy little religious dickweed and Beliefnet editor/founder/secret lover Steven Waldman explain it all.... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 26, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• They Can't Do That on Compilation DVDs of Television!

  It saddens me to think of all the television I've never watched; thankfully, they seem to be putting anything and everything out in DVD boxed sets, featuring individually-tailored, breathy audio commentary by Heather Langenkamp (my dream complete series boxed... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 25, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• Why They Keep Us in the Union, I'll Never Know

  Can you name the Senator who's the dumbest alive, Smells like wet dog and weighs three-thirty-five? Cornyonero! Cornyonero! Well, he's the dimmest bulb in this here town, He's the country-fried fuck endorsed by reactionary clowns! Cornyonero! Cornyonero! [voiceover: the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 24, 2008, 7:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• I'll Take Captain Ukelele to Block, Chuck

  Random tunes on the tiny machine, in video form. Citizen-musicians filling in for professionals where no other video available, and sometimes when they are available. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. Favorite is #8 in a landslide.... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 24, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• One Day I'll Show Them All

  Damn, motherfucker! You look like some sort of cross between Ernie from My Three Sons and that dorky dude from Herman's Hermits*! You're making it too easy, Fartblossom: ABC News' Christianne Klein reports that at a breakfast with Republican... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 23, 2008, 7:00pm EDT
  by Norbizness

• Thirty Feet Up in the Fucking Air, That's Where!*

  [my Carlin vinyl, click on the thumbnail if you want to see this guy real close up] Richard Pryor was the more gifted comedian, but George Carlin (1937-2008) was the guy who spoke most directly to me. He was... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 23, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness

• 77.78% Worthless

  Click on thumbnails may provide much needed resolution and/or context. 1. Unfortunately, I had Crosby, Stills and Nash ex-truh-ordinarily renditioned to Syria a few years back, so there will be no music with your dinner. 2. The guy on the... [...]
  Share | Rate | Archive

  Posted: June 20, 2008, 1:00am EDT
  by Norbizness